You Asked For It...

Confessions of a Crappy Blogger

2012-01-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

it's not that my life has been boring.

or busy.

really - it's been a laid back full of fun month... and if you knew all about it you'd be super jealous.

I could give you all the nitty gritty details - but in the interest of keeping my blog posts short and sweet (just like me?) you will just get to hear about what I'm NOT blogging about.

I won't tell you how of all the houses in the country Santa (and part time school bus driver Phil) came to visit our house.

I won't blog about Christmas gifts... or house hunting (not for me)... or spending way too much time trying to beat my niece's score in A Christmas Bubble Shooter...

You also probably won't get to hear much about costume making, Sesquicentennial celebrations that included me covered in paint up to my elbows, or a particular prop piece that still only exists in my brain even though it needs to be done in a few days.

Dance Recitals, Orchestra Concerts, and Random Youth Activities that had me wearing two coats and a blanket will also be absent.

I won't even give you the skinny on my fitness class results or how I spent my winnings... I wouldn't even tell you if I remember how that money was spent... or how much of the weight I lost I have managed to put back on during the festive season.

You don't even get to hear about how I will never shop at my local shoe store again thanks to a very rude manager... turns out their name is a lie and I pay a lot more than I expect...

So... what am I going to blog about? Today my dear friends you get to see the thing that made me laugh the hardest all year... well, maybe the second hardest... some of you have written some pretty funny blogs and tweets...

and maybe it's just the old lady in me that has obviously had a little too much pressure on my bladder when pregnant... but this seems like a BAD name for a business...

...just sayin'

Raising My Kids a little too Seriously...

2011-12-19T13:01:00.000-07:00

You know you've done something right (wrong?) when your kids react seriously to one of your hilarious childhood stories...

Case in Point? Well, Story in point I guess...

I used to work at a Theatre. Not a theater - you see, a theater is a place where you pay too much to see a movie that has been polished to perfection (or imperfection) and wash it down with popcorn and soda... a Theatre is someplace where you pay 4 times as much for the ticket, starve until intermission then chug down your $3 water bottle, and have about a 50% chance that there will be an actor who is having an off day...

I was a higher class usher...

But one week I had sprained my ankle and could not handle taking patrons (yeah, at the theater you're just a customer... but Theatre has "patrons") to their seats. My boss decided we'd do something a little different and sat me on a chair where I greeted each patron with a winning smile, tore off their ticket stub and then handed the ticket to the next in a line of about 4 ushers, introducing them with "and Shawn will take you to your seat..." His name really was Shawn... and all was going really well until I looked at the end of the line and realized that (although I had met her... and worked with her earlier that week) I had completely blanked on the new girl's name. Completely.

Rather than admitting defeat I proceeded through the line... "and Tim here will now show you to your seats" (with the winning smile... always the winning smile!)

Shawn looked at me... glanced over his shoulder... looked at me again...

"Tim? their seats please..." (as I force the tickets into Shawn's hand)

and so on and so forth throughout the next 1/2 hour... making up different names each time... hoping I guess to eventually hit on the right name?

It was hi-freakin'-larious... and rather ingenious if I must say so myself.

And apparently - I do have to say so myself... because when I told the Veggie-Teen my story... he just looked at me with a blank stare and asked why on earth I didn't just own up and ask her name...

Yeah... right... that requires a certain maturity that even now I don't have.

Given the same situation - I'd do exactly the same thing today...

Except instead of starting with "Tim" - Shawn would have been called "Donatello"...

Stop the Presses!

2011-11-29T09:42:00.001-07:00

I suppose that the words "Stop the Presses" shouldn't be used on a nearly defunct blog.

I'd make all sorts of excuses for why I was so busy - the holidays... blah blah blah blah blah...

Guess what I learned this weekend?

Turns out that each and every one of us on this earth has the same number of hours in the day - so my lame excuses about not having enough time are just not going to sell.

Honesty? Well, in all seriousness - this stupid nutrition class/weight loss thing is the ONLY thing that's been occupying my thoughts and this is NOT a diet blog. I do not want to write a diet blog... I can only assume that you don't want to read a diet blog... so I just ended up not blogging.

Okay - so that's actually only half of what I did. I also wasted a HUGE amount of time on pinterest. If you are not familiar with pinterest it is a lovely little corner of the web where people like me "pin" all of the things from around the internet onto virtual corkboards so that I can someday look back and see all of the million things that I wish I had actually done.

Seriously - I have a young friend who has her entire Pinterest wedding planned out down to the napkin rings. I don't think she's dating anyone right now.

BUT - this is where the Stop The Presses comes in...

I.
Actually.
MADE something.

and not just the cinnamon roll pancakes. although those are to. die. for.

While perusing Pinterest yesterday I saw a cute skirt made from fabric and an old pair of jeans... it was cute so of COURSE it went straight onto my "Sewing, Yeah, like I do THAT" board (seriously, that's what I named it... I like truth in advertising) and went about my life...

"Life" yesterday included taking my kids to the dollar store so that they could pick out some goodies to send off to some missionaries... we're nice like that... cheap, but nice...

As we entered the dollar store I notice that sweet H is tying her sweatshirt around her waist. Since it is about negative 23786 degrees Kelvin right now I'm wondering why on earth she would do this... and wondering why on earth she is tying it on backward... maybe she's just THAT proud of the BYU cougars? (hey, no college slamming around here people... take it outside!)

Turns out she'd been practicing the splits for her Hip-Hop class.

and there goes one more pair of jeans into the trash... but wait!

Yep - I have some fabric... I have a sewing machine... I have thread

and now? now I have a cute new skirt for my little girl!

At the expense of one needle...

Lest you think this is a one time thing - I also have a few other crafts that I made with my Young Women at church... at least one of which began its life on Pinterest :)

So now I need a new board: "Things I can actually vouch for"....

at least that one won't have 2356 items on it :)

How I REALLY feel about weight loss

2011-11-16T08:23:00.001-07:00

Diets Suck.

Don't get all high and mighty telling me that the real answer is making a "lifestyle change" instead of "going on a diet"

First of all "lifestyle change" just brings to mind a Chaz Bono type of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Who am I kidding... really, I think there is something wrong with Chaz Bono... but it's not about his lifestyle choices.

The REAL problem is that when you say "lifestyle change" I know that's just a politically correct term for "permanent diet"

The only reason I can stomach eating broccoli florets for lunch is knowing that I don't have to do this forever.

and the first person to even suggest that I will eventually crave healthy foods such as little green mini-trees is getting virtual broccoli shoved deep into their virtual sinuses.

(hmmm... have I mentioned that diets suck... and they make me crabby?)

In a short 78 days I hit a milestone birthday.

Bonus points to anyone who is guessing 30...

and I'm staring daggers at anyone who is guessing 50...

it's 40 - and I know... that's probably ancient sounding to you...

to be honest - I'm okay with turning 40... it's not freaking me out... much.

Ask again in 77 days.

I tell you this not to give you 78 days to shop for the perfect gift... (my favorite color is green) - but because the impending birthday has a lot to do with that four letter word "diet".

You see... turning 40 means that ManOfTheHouse is about to turn... well... older than 40...

Maybe even old enough to qualify as "Middle Aged"

And as well all know that means it's high time for a mid-life crisis.

A good mid-life crisis has a few required elements.

*We can't afford a shiny new red sports car.
*ManOfTheHouse has enough self respect to know that he'd look ridiculous wearing spandex on a Harley
*that leaves us with the trophy wife...

You know, that hot young bombshell that seems to go for the salt and pepper guys... the one who is usually photographed draped across the red sports car in a skimpy bikini.

I'd say gold-digger... but let's be real...

I've decided to save us all a LOT of time, money & tears

I'm going to BE the new trophy wife.

which means about 6 more pounds in the next 78 days. Totally do-able. (let's not mention the hair coloring, extensions, and botox I'd need to REALLY look like a trophy wife)

Perfect Solution right??? Yep, well, aside from the whole broccoli thing!

Photo Phriday... and my "treat bag" rant...

2011-11-11T10:34:00.001-07:00

...guess what kind of a weekend that means WE'RE having?

What? Did you say we're throwing a big fancy party?

Yeah, well, then you're wrong.

Instead this happens to be the weekend where ALL of my kids' friends seem to have birthday parties. Apparently my little girls are prejudiced against people with birthdays in any other month.

(not really... but it feels like that right now)

These gifts are for the parties that are happening this weekend starting tonight (a sleepover) and finishing tomorrow afternoon.

If H is lucky we will have time to rush home after the sleepover to allow for tooth brushing and something to eat besides popcorn before the second party begins.

If M is lucky she will be able to not have a complete come-apart waiting for her party to begin on Saturday afternoon.

If I am lucky ManOfTheHouse will offer to do all of the dropping off/picking up/making sure they remember to take the right gift back to the right girl...

If the boys are lucky none of them will require transportation anywhere during this stretch of time.

and if I am TRULY lucky? then the world at large will realize what a monumental waste of money/annoyance to all parents those silly "treat bags" are.

Seriously - and I've been guilty in the past - have you ever seen some of the junk in these bags... little miniature coloring books that get filled up with one touch of a marker - bracelets that fall apart by the time the kid goes to sleep - lip gloss that is destined to ruin a load or two of laundry... you know, basically the same crap that was in the dentist's "treasure box" when I was a kid... like that made up for having to endure 10 minutes with that flouride gel in your mouth.

NOTHING makes up for that horrendous stuff. Just sayin'

I feel for party parents, really I do - treat bags seem to be expected these days... I have had kids ask me for them as they go to leave... the best? The kid who was wearing the apron and chef's hat I'd made for each of the party guests and carrying the miniature cake they'd just decorated to take home... still wants a treat bag... trust me, if I'd known that's all that was required for a party I would have skipped the hours of sewing and baking.

So hey, if it makes you feel better - and it WILL make the kids happier - throw a few dollars into your treat bags... but don't kid yourself that any parent on the planet is going to be happy with you when they step on that stupid plastic spinning top tomorrow morning.

Happy Belated Halloween

2011-11-09T09:32:00.001-07:00

I'm so sick and tired of being governed by the calendar.

Just because the calendar said it was daylight savings time I had to battle with a house full of kids who didn't know which way was up.

and were "up" at 5 a.m.

Just because the calendar said it was nearing the end of the month I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off to meet some deadlines...

yes... for those of you who are wondering, visiting teaching WAS one of those deadlines.

for those of you who don't know what visiting teaching is... well, let's just assume that I got it done and let's not worry :)

The calendar tells me when I have to be at meetings, when I have to start shopping for some holiday (also dictated by a calendar) and when my kids should be at school/dance/scouts/play practice/band practice/etc...

I'm going to throw away the calendar.

Shh... I know that won't actually HELP anything - but I'm in a mood.

Well, guess what?HERE, here on my blog... I'm in charge and I say a big ol' "PAH" to the calendar.So today - just here on my blog - we're celebrating Halloween.

You can bring it back in your neighborhood too... just don't be surprised if you get some strange looks when you go trick-or-treating.

Sweet H... picked the most unconventional costume of the year...

the earrings

the headband

and the necklace...

...because every girl worth her salt will insist that an outfit isn't complete without a handbag and shoes... which no, she didn't get those.

Does that mean I let her go trick-or-treating half dressed?

Shame on me...

but frankly - have you SEEN the costumes these days? A nurse costume used to be white clothes with a nurse's hat...

NOW? a nurse costume looks like the kid is going to bring home a little more than candy after a night walking the streets... if you know what I mean.

and bless your sweet little innocent heart if you don't know what I mean :)

I bet YOU don't dress up like a nurse on Halloween!

but wait... there's more...


No, I don't know what he was going for either... he was "Bob" of course...

Scary Little Vampire?

the thought of that future dental work scares me... Ch'ching!!!!

So Happy Halloween folks - hope it was good, hope you got all the Vanilla Tootsie Rolls your little heart desired, and hope that in the end you were happier than this:

bless the tooth-brush gifting neighbor's heart...

(and yes - the rest of us dressed up... and no I didn't purposely avoid the camera all day while dressed up like Donald Duck... it just so happens that nobody took a picture of me... probably...)

My willpower is officially a "Limited Edition"

2011-10-25T08:14:00.001-06:00

I don't eat chocolate. Dark - blech, Milk chocolate - blech... White Chocolate... okay, I actually love that one... love love love that one... don't judge.

some of you already knew this about me...

and the rest of you better not be deleting me from your google reader.

avoidance of chocolate does NOT make me a freak of nature.

the freak of nature thing is just a coincidence.

I just... well, I don't like it, and I'm willing to admit that should probably count against my "woman points" and it might even keep me from joining in on certain church activities... but there it is. deal. If it's easier to cope with I actually CAN'T eat it without getting nasty stomach aches and migraines - I prefer to think that I have amazing willpower.

That willpower? There are certain words that kill my willpower. Without fail - these words have me questioning every resolve to eat well, avoid overspending, or to be a nicer human being. The words?

"50% off"

"Clearance"

"Mom, you're not going to like this but..."

and the worst of them all?

"Limited Edition"

A few years ago my parents were in town on their way to Vegas (because let's be honest - Vegas is WAY more fun than my house) and I was at the store with them picking up "a few things for the trip"

Somehow "a few things" ended up including a bag of White Chocolate Limited Edition Pirate Pearls M&Ms.

When I got home I took a pair of scissors and snipped off the corner of the bag - removed just 3 little pearls and enjoyed them. I then put a chip clip on the bag and stuffed it into the freezer door. See? Amazing Willpower at work.

My dad? laughed and laughed and laughed some more...

Whatever - he probably laughed all the way to Vegas... I was going to show him - I had willpower oozing out my ears.

Gross.

I was going *munch* to show *munch* him how much will *munch* power I had. *munch* When they *munch munch* came back *munch* through *munch* town... they'd see!

*munch munch munch munch munch inhale munch munch*

oh.

crap.

*Gobble*

Well, what actually ended up happening was that a few hours before they came back through town I ran off to the store and bought ANOTHER limited edition bag, matched up the corners so that the snip would be indistinguishable from the first. I ate just 3 little tiny pearls (by this point I was getting pretty sick of them) and clipped them up and stuck them in the freezer door.

Yes, seriously.

I think my Dad checked out the bag... he was probably amazed at my willpower. I don't know... I think I was in bed suffering from indigestion at that time.

See, "limited edition" is a dangerous word.

Apparently white chocolate M&Ms (with the normal colorful candy shells) were available as a test market in Australia for awhile before the pirate pearls came out.

It's a good thing I didn't live in Australia back then.

So this year - my will power is being tested to the EXTREME!

Candy Corn colored White Chocolate M&Ms.

I bought ONE bag.

but I've learned my lesson - this bag doesn't have a snipped corner... this bag is shoved WAY back in the freezer... behind the frozen peas where no kids will accidentally find them.

It's been there for FOUR weeks.

That my friends... that is willpower.

My nutrition class ends at the end of November... I'll open the bag the next day.

Any bets on how long it will last after that?

Happy Birthday Ty Pennington

2011-10-19T10:25:00.001-06:00

This post will have nothing to do with Ty Pennington by the way...

I just wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday because I'm hoping to become really chummy so he'll come and build those bookshelves for me.

Yes, the ones that my husband promised as a Christmas gift.

3 years ago.

Hardly a good enough story for "Extreme Home Makeover"... but it's the best sob story I've got.

Ahh, the first world problems of our middle class are just tear jerkers aren't they?

Today's post is brought to you by Klout. Well, not really BY Klout - it's just ABOUT Klout.

Apparently they like to decide WHO is influential about WHAT? and then give out perks for the top influencers.

In the beginning (read as - when I was blogging and tweeting and not keeping up so well with my reading and dishes doing) I was ROCKING Klout - I had an awesome score and if you are impressed by numbers which mean absolutely nothing you would have had a jaw dropping moment at mine.

Now? not so much. Letting REAL life take precedence has been a good change in life... but when they say "you can't have it all" - I think they are referencing my Klout score.

HOWEVER, all is not lost - I made the top three influencers in one category at least.

Not blogging.
Not authors.
Not baking.
Not even cats... although for some reason I was influential about cats for about a week...

I think I said something about hating them... ?

But - as of last week I was the third strongest influence about...

Drum Roll Please....

yep, Zucchini.

Apparently a day of tweeting every time I took another batch of Zucchini bread out of the oven and complaining about the sheer amount of Zucchini I had in my house put me on the top of the world.

Now I'm thinking it would be a BOATLOAD of fun to sit down with the first and second place influencers... I'm sure we'd have SO much in common... well, you know - as long as I did a little Zucchini research ahead of time.

It doesn't get more random than this...

2011-10-17T07:50:00.000-06:00

Sometimes there's just so much going on in life that you justdon't know where to start.

and sometimes life is just dull as dirt and there's nothing to tell...

and sometimes... well, sometimes it's hard to know the difference.

picture from free-extras.com - because I'm too lazy to upload mine.

I have beautiful new orchids on my table. They were an anniversary gift from ManOfTheHouse.

We've been married 18 years.

Apparently they were all out of the cards that said "We've tolerated each other for this long... if it ain't broke don't fix it"

We're WAY romantic like that.

Which is probably why we ended up seeing "Dial M for Murder"...

Maybe he was hoping I'd snuggle in close during the scary parts?

Probably not. It was HOT in that theatre.

Is it wrong to take off your shoes? Because if it is I SO didn't do that. Even if I really wanted to.

But those orchids?

They are mocking me with their difficult upkeep...

or maybe they are quivering in fear knowing that as a child I even killed my "air plant"

and now that I think about it... maybe the "air plant" was just a hunk of Spanish Moss that my parents were testing me with.

I failed.

Yes, you should all probably be very afraid for my children.

Especially the one who decided to add Tenor Saxophone to his instrumental repertoire on Sunday afternoon.

I am currently not in a financial position to soundproof his bedroom...

Confession: he's actually quite good for someone who has been playing for only 3 hours... but there's nothing funny about successes.

Failure is a MUCH better breeding ground for humor. Case in Point: Rodney Dangerfield.

But then again... seriously Rodney... have a little self respect.

also not mine... you really think I'd have this around??? crazy.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I saw that movie. Years ago.

Maybe instead of me being embarrassed my mother should be mortified because she took me to see it.

I think she also insisted we leave about 15 minutes into the movie.

Hey, give her a break - we all have our little "parent fail" moments...

Wait... reflecting on my own parent fail moments I have to amend an earlier statement.

Failure isn't always funny... sometimes it just sucks rocks. Of course, before I had teenagers some of my worst parent fail moments probably involved my kids sucking actual rocks. And dirt. And sand. And any assortment of insects that were on the carpet because I hadn't vacuumed in the past 7 minutes.

Would you believe me if I told you I was berated by a complete stranger because my then infant daughter was munching away on some sand. At the sand dunes.

Would you think less of me if I told you that I said that fiber is good for our digestion?

and then waited for her to be out of sight before swooping down and washing out my daughter's mouth...

Because while I can find humor in my failures - I certainly don't appreciate other people finding them a source of amusement before I'm ready to laugh about it.

That air plant though - I'm ready for all the teasing you can dish out...

My curiosity just got the better of me. Mr Google tells me that there is such a thing as "live Spanish Moss"... as well as a large number of air plants... apparently my parents were not making up the entire thing.

For the record - next time I get an air plant I want the one named "Funkiana"...

image from DeltonaSeashells.com - my favorite (only) source for air plant information.

Not the prettiest of plants to be honest... but I can't wait for the next time I'm at a boring meeting and can say "Oh, I'm sorry to cut this short, but I've really got to get home and not water my Funkiana"...

It'll probably go over a little better than the "I've got to wash my hair" excuse.

Probably.

Random enough for you? c'mon... you've never discussed Orchids, Rodney Dangerfield, and Funkiana before? Obviously you do not try to carry on conversations with me early in the morning. :)

Columbus proved nothing to me...

2011-10-11T07:44:00.000-06:00

Apparently the world is flat.

I know this because I recently fell off the edge.

I know - you wondered what happened to me, well, there you have it, "there be monsters" and all that jazz... I can't confirm or deny the existence of elephants and a hugo-mongous turtle holding it all up, my last pair of contacts got ripped and it's hard to tell the difference between elephants and my laundry pile.

Turns out it's kind of a long way down at the edge, but not entirely impossible to claw your way back up.

Good to know.

If you want a BETTER excuse than that you're welcome to invent one. Until then, I'm sticking with my flat world theory.

And don't believe anyone who tells you that it's because I'm busy...

They're a bunch of liars... whose brains are obviously mush from all the museum meetings, youth conferences, party planning, sewing, PTA meetings, laundry, shuttling kids from school to school and back again, field trips, nutrition classes, shopping, planning meetings, church classes, eye appointments, working out, dance classes, scouts, youth group, cooking, cleaning, oil changes, wasting time on Pinterest, hair appointments, helping people move, and trying to just read a darn book before the deadline they've had to do.

Those kind of people just can't be trusted.

Don't worry, today will be devoted to thinking of something hilarious for tomorrow... it's a good bet it will be inspired by an eye appointment, nutrition class or a museum meeting though...

A Lego Lobotomy

2011-09-20T09:08:00.002-06:00

It's not a very well kept secret that I'm a Lego Nerd.

I can't help it, really!

I just love building with Legos. Before someone comes down and says "they're Lego Bricks" I'm just going to come right out and say: I. Don't. Care. Seriously - a Lego employee once reamed me for using the word "legos" and ever since then I've gone out of my way to use it as much as possible...

because I'm a sweetie like that.

My kids? All Lego nerds as well.

The 12 year old had a little shin-dig to celebrate his manhood and wanted a lego cake...

it looked cool... but my favorite picture?

The Lego Lobotomy.

Of course, that resulted in a very interesting conversation with a room full of 12 year olds about what a lobotomy is...

at which point it was sounding like a better and better idea...

and now... days later when the "lego mess" has become a true "lego apocalypse" throughout my house... I think I'll take a lobotomy with a side-order of electro-stim... it certainly can't hurt much more than stepping on all those stupid little things!

I'm steeling myself for the hate comments.

2011-09-13T11:59:00.001-06:00

(Today is my guest post at Chocolate on my Cranium - which might make you still like me if I'm slamming your favorite book today...)

I read a lot of books...

Don't act shocked...

I mean... seriously - I put up a bunch of reviews over at that book blog I can't believe you don't all spend more time at!

Sometimes there's a book that just blows me away with its insight and tender moments.

This book?

SOOOOO did not do that!!!

Sorry, I know I'm begging for hate mail, but this book makes me want to punch orphans.
Okay, maybe it's not the book... maybe it's the people that read portions of this book from the pulpit in church.

No, I'm not kidding.We both wish I were, I know...

Question: Have you ever read anything ELSE by Robert Munsch? He's a hilarious author who writes funny stories about two kids who spend hours and days making fried chicken until they've perfected the recipe (and nearly burned off their mouths in the process). He writes about a young couple who leaves their barely old enough to see over the edge of the tub daughter at home while they run off to the hospital to have a baby and end up at the zoo instead and mistakenly bring home an alligator.

Do you think he expects us to take him seriously?So why, for the love of all that is good and holy, when he writes about a mother who is guilty of Breaking & Entering in order to lift her grown man of a son onto her lap and sing a song am I the only one stifling my laughter?

No, I actually don't find it touching... Sorry, I'm cynical like that... (I just re-read the end of the book after scoffing at it for the past 15 years... the LAST page is touching, but by then I'm too disturbed by the mental instability of the mother to shed a tear....)

My heart is NOT made of stone, stop saying that!

I read a book once about a grandpa who pushed his grandson in the stroller and helped him learn to walk and then their roles were reversed later in life... that was WAY sweet and I was mortified when I read it to a classroom full of children and ended up bawling... see, if my heart had been made of rock I would have made it through that day without mascara streaks on my face. (Can't remember the title to save my life, sorry)

I read another book about a baby who turned into all sorts of horrendous creatures before finally becoming human again... and while that sounds just strange - that brought a tear or two (or twelve, I didn't count) because I have teenagers... and trust me... that book was as close to real life as it could get while being about a transmogrifying toddler. (Zagazoo)

See, totally human heart... but seriously, I'm considering making it a condition of my living will that my children not be allowed to pick me up and rock me in the rocker... because THAT is perhaps the most disturbing image of all.

Now... if he were rocking an alligator from the zoo? THAT might be a good story...

Seems like a good time for a Serious Sunday

2011-09-11T13:40:00.001-06:00

I am a big joker...

it's a curse... and a gift I guess...

but some days just call for a little more serious.

Today? Definitely one of those days.

Don't worry, I won't regale you with my story of "where I was when" - because ten years ago... we all remember that day and frankly? My story is boring... hey, I wasn't some glamorous bloggy goddess 10 years ago, I was just a regular old mom doing regular old mom things with kids who were still in their pre-genius phase.

Suffice it to say there were plenty of tears, fears, and a lot of protecting my children while trying to sneak a peek at the news when they were out of the room.

Ten years have passed... and mostly that makes me... well, sad - sad that the families most affected aren't necessarily getting to grieve in the own chosen ways... because I'm more of a "crawl in a hole and don't come out" kind of person rather than a "participate in a televised memorial service and cry in front of millions" type of person.
So my TV is off today - not because I don't care... but because I can't cope... and I can't worry that my children (most of whom don't have personal memories of that horrendous day) will be as affected today as many of us were ten years ago.

Today?
Today I'm focusing on positives - you want to know what kind of wonderful positives are happening in my world today?

My newly 12 year old son went to church today in his snazzy new suit and bright pink tie - and stood up in front of the congregation and welcomed as a MAN! (well, sorta...)

My 14 year old son and 16 year old son participated in vital ordinances that helped me to remember the sacrifices made for me by Christ... All willingly.. my sons are good people.

My sons have good examples :)

Traditionally on 12th birthdays for our boys I request letters from their older male relatives - and without fail I am humbled and amazed at the thoughtful, humorous, insightful things that are shared with my sons by people who I judge myself lucky to be related to (by blood or marriage).

A public thank you to my family! While I'm at it - a public thank you to any man who honors his responsibilities and shows a good example to the young men of this world.

Parenting would be infinitely harder if I couldn't point around me and show my sons that there are good, COOL, men out there being good husbands, good providers, and morally strong at the same time.

While I'm on my serious kick... I get to tell you about a little side-project I was privileged to participate in. I was asked to help celebrate the Proclamation to the Family with a couple of amazing bloggers - run to "We Talk of Christ" to see who else is participating - and if you're really really brave and think you can handle my slightly more serious (but never completely over that official serious line) take on my assigned portion - visit Chocolate on My Cranium Tuesday morning... heck, visit them both right now - there's good stuff happening as we speak!!!

of Cakes and Camping...

2011-09-09T13:51:00.001-06:00

Po-boy turned 12 today.

That's a big one for a boy - and I'm having heart palpitations that all of my little baby boys are now Young Men!!!!

One thing that young men enjoy doing is camping...
and so tonight, rather than trying to please the boy here at home with his birthday dinner and a big old cake - he's going off with friends and eating food cooked in coals and a cake that likely has more dirt than frosting.

How do you decorate a cake that's destined to get nice and dirty?

that's how :)

I mean... if there's going to be rocks, mud, sand, and soil on there eventually... may as well toss some on there to begin with right?

(okay, it's all edible - no need to report me to some Child Protective Services... unless they're concerned about the amount of calories in there... then they might have a case.

Foghorn, Leghorn, and Sam

2011-09-08T13:33:00.000-06:00

If you follow me on Twitter you already know a lot of this.

If you don't follow me on Twitter - what is your problem you Twitterless weirdo?

Okay, probably not a good idea to call my dear followers weirdos.

Especially since I really relish the opportunity to tell this story again...

and Twitter is a monumental waste of time. (but I will deny that in a court of law... so don't quote me on it)

My neighbor has roosters. 3 roosters if you can believe the rumors.

I have never actually SEEN these roosters. (hmmm, can't say as I've actually seen the neighbor either)

Thus I have no idea what the roosters names are... for the purpose of today's discussion I am calling them Foghorn, Leghorn, and Sam.

No, there is no point in naming them since I don't know WHICH is which... but aren't those names better than "Cacciatore" "A la King" and "Saltimbocca"? (obviously I should never raise chickens...)

I get up fairly early each morning - 5:35 - but the roosters? They get up before me... every day... and have a tendency to wake me up with the way they enthusiastically greet the day. Even mondays... they must have been dropped on their heads as eggs.

The first time? They must have been young roosters at the time because I heard an odd noise and thought I heard a baby crying outside my window. Either I was really tired or I have a low opinion of the parenting skills of my neighbors - because I went out and walked the street up and down for a little while before pinpointing the noise and putting my mind at ease.

The roosters are not young anymore... and while I'm glad that I no longer have dreams about small children being abandoned outside my bedroom window - I am not so thrilled that their little voices have become fully developed wake me up from a dead sleep loud booming Cock-a-Doodle-Freaking-Doo voices.

I have become "influential" on Twitter about Roosters I have been tweeting my annoyance out so often! (usually at 5 a.m.)

My first tweet?

My neighbor has a rooster. I want to throttle him. #IntentionallyVaguePronounUsage

it's too bad my neighbor is a Twitterless weirdo...

I've woken up craving chicken breakfast burritos. (which really don't sound appealing at any time other than 5 a.m.)

I've had dreams about sharpening axes.

I have cased their yard in hopes of finding a small gap in their fence so the roosters could just "escape"

I have twisted my pillow between my clenched fists until the feathers threatened to burst forth...

I have spent more time than I care to admit brainstorming ideas for a "chicken muzzle"

and finally... finally I lost it. another night with very little sleep this week and I guiltily dialed the # for animal control.

I inquired nicely about the legality about roosters within city limits. (just double checking... but no, not allowed)and then was surprise when the animal-control guy knew which street I lived on... apparently other neighbors were fed up before I was...

Yay - for two reasons:
#1 - I should be able to sleep in soon
#2 - technically I wasn't the pain in the neck complaining neighbor who got them in trouble. so no guilt.

Okay... maybe a TEENSY bit of guilt.

Let's just say that if they throw a block party this weekend I'm totally going to avoid the bucket of fried chicken.

The not-so-complete guide to Utah parades...

2011-09-06T09:45:00.001-06:00

ManOfTheHouse has been to his fair share of parades this year...
well, let's be honest - a "fair share" of parades is probably one apiece, which means that I (even though I've missed out on a few of the ventures) am well over my limit.

A good parade must have certain elements - some of which can be controlled... some of which...
well, hey, you can't blame the parade organizers when Mother Nature decides she doesn't like the blaring fire engine sirens and horses clomping down the street wearing diapers.
and though diapers may be funny... it is SO much better than the time we saw a marching band following a bunch of horses...

though in all honesty I have to admit that was pretty funny too.

and so my not-so-annual probably-won't-ever-happen-again awards for best parade entries are:

(drumroll please...)

First, let's introduce the contestants... and I apologize for not being able to make it to every small town rinky dink parade this year... there are just only so many of me to go around... you are welcome to put your own awards in the comment box.

Cedar City - we visited this fair city on the 4th of July for their festivities... ended up standing in the middle of an intersection to scope out the parade action.
Escalante - ManOfTheHouse and a few of the older boys were in Escalante for a band gig over the Pioneer Day weekend... because these boys are older they may or may not have run after candy... they're not telling me, so Escalante begins behind because they are automatically out of the running for "best candy"
St George - the parade was held alongside the County Fair... but not on a holiday or anything... that might explain a lot.
Hurricane - to begin the Labor Day holiday ManOfTheHouse took the girls out to the Peach Days parade... (I had a valid excuse... really...)
Payson - and to finish the Labor Day holiday we all went down to the Onion Days celebration... no, you didn't mis-read that... I did say Onion... I think all the good produce was taken.

Best Candy? This award has to go to Payson, thanks to their generous football players, 20th reunion floats, and many MANY others... other parades (ahem, Hurricane and St George) also had plenty of candy... but my kids are not really fans of that salt water taffy stuff and apparently that was on sale in those cities. Note to all parade cities - tossing dum-dums? really dumb dumb... 97% of the time they will shatter upon contact with the ground and you are left with a very sticky mess in addition to crabby kids who just wanted something sweet for crying out loud!

Best Floats? Sweet M debated this one for awhile, but eventually gave it up to Hurricane who apparently had a float come through with peach shaped little beds for the dogs... usually she is all about the princesses so those must have been some seriously impressive doggie beds! Worst? a large semi truck from a local grocery chain... sure, the grocery carts with their good candy were great, but looking at the side of your very long truck for the 4 minutes it took to pass... not so thrilling.

Strangest Float? This one has to go to Payson and the lovely Electrolysis business that had all of their employees walk along with mounds of long curly hair glued to odd spots on their bodies... it was very very very disturbing. (and I know... we both wish I'd taken my camera)

Best Weather? We actually didn't get rained out at any of these this year... from word of mouth we're going to hand this one off to Hurricane and their Peach Days... but probably because I wasn't there to complain about the sun in my eyes or the wind. I mean, it's Hurricane... isn't there always wind?

Noisiest? Hands down - Cedar City. I think every siren on every emergency vehicle from every fire station in a 63 mile radius was blaring for the entire parade... my question is... what happens if someone's house catches fire during a parade?

Best Swag? Okay - the nice flowers I got in Cedar City were cool... but my all-time summer favorite?

an onion shaped stress ball. (from the Onion Days in case that wasn't obvious) I know... you're jealous too...
and yes, my poor nephew had no idea I was making him re-enact a rather famous book-cover in this shot... I promise he's not a sparkly vampire :)

Best Crowd? I'm going to have to give this one to Escalante - #1 because they pretty much tripled their actual population on the day of the parade and #2 because I haven't given them any awards yet... and I'm one of those "everybody wins something" type of people... unless it's kindergarten graduation in which case can I just go home already???

Worst Crowd? for turn-out I'd have to say St. George... there was more candy than kids... which if it hadn't been 78% taffy would have been great... but for sheer annoyance I'm going with Cedar City... or maybe just that one obnoxious taller than me kid who kept sweeping up all the candy before my little 7 year old could get anywhere near it?

I might have parade rage...

okay, definitely, definitely I have an issue with parade rage... don't get me started on how offended I am when I'm handed coupons for electrolysis, tanning, and micro-dermabrasion... did they target me for a reason?

I just don't get it...

you see, I grew up in Colorado - and the only parade I remember was a Homecoming Parade that I had to ride in...

and that was 20+ years ago... so I don't even remember anything except my silent prayers that the fake goal posts wouldn't fall down while we went down the street.

Let's talk about Shoes...

2011-08-22T10:40:00.003-06:00

Did you know I love shoes?

I didn't USED to love shoes, shoes were my arch-nemesis for many many years... (something about being on crutches and only getting to wear "sensible" shoes might have something to do with it - maybe)

And I should qualify that statement...
I love the LOOK of shoes... I prefer the FEEL of barefoot. except on hot sand. ouch.

Currently I have a shelf in my closet labeled "shoes my podiatrist hates"

my over-abundance of Chucks... what can I say...

Okay, so maybe he hates ALL of my shoes except the ones he insisted I purchase.
Which I wear nearly every day... for one hour... and then they might get thrown unceremoniously back into my closet to be traded out for something I actually like. or bare feet... depending on whether or not I am getting OUT of the car that day.
Is it illegal to drive barefoot? If so, I never go anywhere without my shoes.
Or I at least have learned to keep a pair of flip-flops at hand for when I get pulled over.
"when" seemed so definitely - I meant of course "if" I get pulled over...
although anyone who has ever driven with me might rightfully argue that "when" is more accurate.
Hey, I'm sorry... but the word "Limit" has always brought out the rebel in me.

What were we talking about?

So. with this insane shoe fetish does this make me the new Imelda Marcos?
Nah... I could never afford the shoes she stuffed her closet(s) with.

Besides, I could never marry a dictator. (it's that "limit" thing again...)

Shoes don't have to be expensive for me to think they are fun... as a matter of fact some of my favorite shoes? uber cheap... and not only because with my itty bitty baby feet nobody else buys them.

ManOfTheHouse - he's got plenty of shoes... hiking shoes, biking shoes, etc... all sensible. He's kinda boring like that.
Boring is HEAPS better than being a dictator though so I try not to let it bug me.
Does he love MY shoes? Hmmmm... well, let's just say that there might be two or three pair that he would rather I not wear if we have to be seen together.
chicken.

My kids? Well, a few of them have inherited the fun-shoe gene. Don't laugh, with all the other things that they're learning are encoded in your DNA I just KNOW that a proclivity toward funky footwear is going to be identified soon :)The Eldest (Veggie Teen) has his own "style" when it comes to shoes...

I Spy: Cookie Monster

I Spy: Bill the Cat

The first pair... the first day he showed up other kids asked "do your parents know you drew on your shoes?" and he'd point out the cat drawn by ManOfTheHouse and the alien I drew...

I Spy: Dharma symbol, The Yellow Submarine, Oscar the Grouch

The second pair... which are so well loved I'm not sure you can see all the detail... those went to two family reunions with us a few years ago and have contributions from a variety of sources...

I Spy: The Lorax, Calvin & Hobbes, Marvin the Martian, Tigger, Toucan Sam & Wakko Warner...

I Spy: Mike Wazowski, Gir, Apple Jacks, Ernie the Keebler Elf, Jack Skelington..

The third... the cheap junk shoes just couldn't be found... so we had to start with some of MY fave shoes... I'm sure I had more fun with these shoes than anyone else... although I never did find out whose phone number is written on them... (obscured enough in the photo that I've protected the... hopefully innocent)

The fifth... (ummm yeah, the fourth never got finished... let's just ignore those ones...)
He's moved away from cartoon characters and all that fun stuff... now it's just color and funkiness... Frankly I was a little saddened... I rather enjoy these projects that last for weeks...

but no worries, because I always have the second grader and her great love for all things Hello Kitty...

she loves 'em... I'm thinking they need some sparkly laces :)

And so it begins...

2011-08-16T10:06:00.002-06:00

First Day of School!!!

that's a great lookin' bunch of kids... y'know, from my completely unbiased point of view :)

the second grader... who was dressed head to toe in Hello Kitty... much to the chagrin of her teenage brothers.

the fourth grader - who looks healthy as a horse.

let's not mention that she is home today with a nasty case of Strep.

my apologies to the new classmates - really... but how do you have strep without a sore throat... or a fever?

the 6th grader - starting at the Intermediate school would stress out anyone... but not this kid.

He is finally eating his vegetables because someone told him it would help his hair grow...

the 9th grader... still at the Middle School - but needing to be shuttled off to the HS for an hour a day to take a math class that isn't offered at his own school...

and the Junior... who is getting too tall to smack. I am trying not to think about the next few years and just enjoy him now that the worst of the teenage angst is in the past :)Happy Back to School...
Regularly Scheduled snarky blogs to resume tomorrow. ...

A rose by any other name...

2011-08-10T08:45:00.000-06:00

When the Universal Technical Institute decided on their name, do you think there were any women on the board? Yeah, judging by their big logo of UTI I really don't think so. I about choked on my cereal yesterday when I heard them advertising on the radio.

In our household there is a RACE for the remote to switch channels away from uncomfortable advertising... y'know... feminine products, etc... it's always interesting to see the animated conversations my teenage boys will begin in order to drown out the television when such things come on :) SO... when I heard "UTI" on the radio I was on the way there... hoping to switch it before any words such as "itching" or "burning" were mentioned... apparently I need to sit closer to the radio because by the time I got there I had only heard words like "motorcycle" and "collision"...

Heads up to the folks at UTI.edu... ummm, you're making the women of the world very uncomfortable every time your ad comes on the radio.

Shakespeare said that a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet - and while that's technically true, the fact is that if you call it Spiderwort (yes, an actual flower exists by this name) nobody's going to get close enough to smell it anyway.

Fact: I actually think that Spiderwort is a pretty flower... and I'm not a big fan of roses... and Shakespeare is long dead so why am I wasting blog space arguing with the man. I mean that of course with the utmost of respect, if I ever visit his grave I'll be sure to drop off a bouquet of spiderwort.

picture here to ensure that something nice shows up on the FB update... you're welcome friends.

Driving around town there's a few businesses that also have me wondering...

JK Jewelers - I've already gone off on them, but in case you missed it - a place selling engagement rings probably shouldn't be using the two letters that in this day and age mean "just kidding"...


sorry, bad picture quality... it was dark outside!

Porras Welding - ummm... depending on how I pronounce this I have little to no confidence in your actual welding ability... "porous" is my BEST assumption... and I'm no welding expert, but that doesn't sound good!

And this one...

Which I was pretty sure was illegal around here... besides, I think they prefer the title "professional escort"... maybe that just didn't fit on the sign?

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do...

2011-08-08T09:54:00.000-06:00

okay, honestly... I don't remember it being THAT hard...

Depending on the guy I guess...

Especially now that so many years have passed and I no longer feel emotionally attached to any of those creeps...
a simple "outta here" and I was... well, outta there.

These days? These days it's a bit harder.

Don't get all worried about me, I'm still a happily married blogger... really.

I'm talking about breaking up with my hairdresser!

Good hairdressers are hard to find... if you've known me for long you might have been witness to a few hair colors, more than a few cuts, and even a disastrous perm or two... but finally, I found someone who could work magic on my hair.

really, I've been THRILLED with my last few "dos"... perfect sassy short hair in back, angling toward just enough hair in front to satisfy my need for femininity... and with a few slashes of color here and there to sate my desire for rebellion.

It was a good thing while it lasted... really.

I had such a rush of excitement each time we'd meet up... momentarily forgetting the pain it would cause later (the credit card statement)...

It just didn't last... and sometimes I came away feeling just way too stinkin' blonde...

I just didn't feel the thrill of it anymore... the "zing" was gone...

I had to try something new... I was secretive about it... I avoided driving by for fear she'd look out the window and see my car, and wonder if I was going to come in...

and finally... finally I let someone else cut my hair...

Turns out I don't like it at all this time around.

Y'think she'll take me back? Will she ever forgive me? Should I just accept defeat and grow my hair down to my ankles? Is that as pathetic as it sounds?

I'll use all the Words I Want Wednesday, thank you very much!

2011-08-03T07:59:00.002-06:00

I seem to be making excuses all the time for why I'm not writing lengthy epistles about my life...

and today is no different...

You see I spent last week at Girls' Camp... something my church does annually to prove that dirt won't kill you.


The bunks...

a little F.A.Q. - yes, they ARE stacked three high - no, there is no head room - yes, you can add some padding if you brought any - yes, I did bring some - no, not nearly enough - Yes, yes indeed, I could commit a heinous crime and have more personal space - and yes, there were a few moments where that was a temptation.

and now you know why I'm STILL tired. Seriously, it was my own fault that I stayed up 'til ridiculous hours laughing around a campfire, but sleeping on those bunks? *shudder* - next year I think I'll just sleep in my car.

The unexpected side-trip...

okay, so it wasn't ALWAYS a nice campfire and good conversation that kept us up into the wee hours of the morning. The first night I blame it all on this sweet girl... who by the time this picture was taken had been at camp for all of TEN minutes, gashed a hole in her knee, and received 6 stitches. (the doctor said it needed 5... but 6 is her favorite number... funny doctors make things a lot better!)

those of you who are paying close attention (and have been reading around here for a LONG time) will recognize my "cozy" wrapped around her shoulders... this was a HUGE thing for me... I must love these girls a LOT :) (haha, and completely off the camping subject, I just found out that post is the very first result if you google "snuggie smackdown")

The cute girls with happy smiles!

and you can see why I love them so... even if I did end up with the icky "golden" leader shirt... (that's me on the left balancing precariously on the edge of the table)

I'd share all the funny stories - but since some of my friends/leaders/my own spouse occasionally read this blog and since many of the funny stories MIGHT implicate others... they'll just have to remain in my head... unless of course you come hang out... in which case prepare to be regaled with stories of fake blood, fireworks, bush-diving, and Karma finally getting her revenge...

For the record... I remain unconvinced on the whole "dirt won't kill you" thing...

Thoughts from the edge...

2011-07-25T09:21:00.000-06:00

I know... everyone has been wondering where on earth I am... wondering if I fell off the edge of the world...

The truth?

I fell off the edge of the world.

It was an amazingly long way down...

but then I'm pretty short, so anything over 6 feet might be considered "amazingly long"

I had a lot of thinking time during the fall...

I thought about really deep and important things.

again, "deep" is relative for someone my height.

Speaking of relative...

ManOfTheHouse's family reunion

My family reunion

oh... Okay... so THAT's what I was doing...

which is slightly like falling off the edge of the earth - but with lots of people to catch you on the way down...

2011-07-14T23:25:00.002-06:00

These uber talented boys made this all by themselves...

Seriously... we didn't have fringe laying around the house, so one of those crafty boys sewed yarn onto ribbon and made it himself.

This was sewn and painted here at my very own house... yes, the house that is looking decidedly cluttered in the background.

and I'll always have proof... in the light blue radiating lines which are duplicated on VeggieTeen's bedroom carpet.

I'm trying to be okay with that.

Summer Time Joys... ermmm... yeah well, you take what you can get.

2011-07-12T08:16:00.003-06:00

My youngest daughter JUST came into the world telling me she didn't want Cheerios for breakfast.

I was ready for the complaint - the one about how I only bought ONE kind of cereal and she's BORED with Cheerios and can't we just PLEASE buy something that comes with a prize... just once? (for the record, the Cheerio boxes had books on them)

but she surprised me... she doesn't want to eat up the Cheerios because...

"I want to make a new recipe with them - to share with the World!"

Somehow I think she knew I was sitting here debating what to write about today.

When you're 7 "popularity" extends to your mother's blog...

and that ends around... 8?

Summer is killing me... the kids want every day to be lemonade stands and swimming pools.

Okay, not quite true, some of the kids want every day to be Playstation and Wii.

The budget wants every day to consist of... well, meals made from scratch and sock puppet shows put on by mom. Good thing we have a large supply of mismatched socks. My imagination is failing me though... I think a goodly portion of the sock characters are named Stinky, Smelly, Holey, and my all time favorite "Fun Gus"...

I want every day to be naps and delivered meals... partly because my foot is killing me

Oooh, let's add "pedicure" to that list of things I want to do this summer. and "get a tan!"

And yes - the foot is just fine - apparently I overdid it with my domestic canning day - I've been making up for it by ringing a bell and having them bring me bon-bons while I take pictures of my foot... (Note, I don't actually know what a bon-bon is... but a part of me thinks it must include chocolate... which my long time readers know I don't eat... no, I haven't sustained a head injury as well)

Today? Today we're shoveling rocks, buying paint, putting said paint on the walls, driving kids to band rehearsal, driving other kids to help out at the cannery (maybe even helping there myself... that remains to be seen), delivering some ridiculous letters to a few businesses (no, I didn't read said letters... I didn't say I CARED about the fundraiser, I only said I'd help), and at some point in there... I think I'll probably kill a few minutes (or hours) kicking around my computer trying to read your blogs finally.

Oh, and dinner... really, why must we eat EVERY day? I think that I'd enjoy food a lot more if #1 - it had no calories, #2 - it didn't make such a mess in my kitchen, #3 - I didn't have to actually THINK of something to make. #4 - my kids would eat.

Speaking of eating... the youngest? Her lofty ambitions for a new worldwide recipe of friendship, happiness and joy have been abandoned... and I'm finishing this up to a chorus of "What is there to EAT????"

back to reality.

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - a favorite sound...

2011-07-07T09:34:00.001-06:00

VeggieTeen's idea of a day at the park...

I just might have married ManOfTheHouse because he played guitar... I'm sure there were other reasons, but this is a family blog. Specifically HIS family :)

and yes, I DO realize it's not Wednesday... silly Monday holidays are messin' me up...

The only thing "domestic" about me is that I live in a house...

2011-07-06T08:08:00.001-06:00

Moms are all about support - and my mom was great at this - as a teenager she walked me through making new recipes and would call to check on my progress if she feared my ambition had been a little too lofty for the day.

One day in particular the phone rang just as I finished hurling a large plastic bowl full of what was supposed to be Cream Puffs out into the front yard.

My mother, being supportive, covered the phone receiver before whispering to a co-worker "My daughter is as domestic as a rock".

I may be domestic as a rock but my hearing is super-human.

the thing is... she was right...

Alas, I cannot spend the rest of my life avoiding all things having to do with crafts, food, and decor... because then what would I blog about?

So, when asked by my friend if I wanted to learn a new skill I jumped at the chance.

"Jumped" in this case meaning that I stomped down my hesitancy to be an adult and trudged up the hill to her house. The house with the overladen apricot trees...

ahhh... the apricots were quickly dispatched - into JARS nonetheless! (okay, so a few went into my mouth... but just a few...)

and then when those jars were full we mashed up a bunch more... (mashed the apricots, not the jars...)

and put that goop into MORE jars!

and then some nonsense about boiling the jars for X amount of minutes even though the stupid flame on the camp chef didn't want to cooperate...

and a mere 7 hours later magically the kitchen counter is filled with these:

You know what I learned?

I learned to never, never NEVER complain about the price of Smuckers. Next time I have to buy another jar of Jelly/Jam/Preserves - I am going to do so with a smile on my face... because somewhere, someone slaved over a hot stove to make this possible for me! But until then, I'm going to eat my toast spread with Apricot jam. ( yes, I do know they have big factories and all that... but that just ruins my happy little illusions...)

You know what else?

Every. Single. One. of those jars sealed. I think that's a miracle or something.

Being Buoyed by that kitchen success I took on the task of fancy cupcakes... not fancy decor (after the wedding cake last month I can't claim stupidity in that area) but fancy flavors...

We love our local cupcakery (it is TOO a word) and I'm a little embarrassed to admit that we have a frequent shoppers card there... I wanted to try my hand at something flavored and got to give it a go when I got a request for a "get well" cupcake for the neighbor...

Pink Lemonade Deliciousness...
(yes, another Pinterest inspiration for those of you who claim I'm a Pinterest addict - but I tweaked the recipe... mostly because I didn't have vanilla pudding or frozen pink lemonade in the house)

and I didn't let it stop there - the girls wanted new headbands for the parade?

Ta-dah!!!!

and the little one wanted fancy invitations for a sleepover?

okay... so I actually made her do those herself...

I don't want to strain myself!

Shhh... don't tell my mom - she's going to think the rock has softened to the point where I'll cook when she visits.... psssshhh!

Happy 4th (a slightly serious take...)

2011-07-04T07:00:00.000-06:00

I pledge allegiance
to the flag
of the United States of America
and to the Republic for which it stands
One Nation under God
Indivisible
With Liberty and Justice for all.

Sometimes it just has to be said. All of it. When these words were finally changed for the last time Pres. Eisenhower referred to God as "our most powerful resource" (1954) I love that...

Enjoy your holiday - however you choose to celebrate - and may those who are far from family serving their country know of our gratitude and support.

Taboo Blog Topics.

2011-07-01T07:56:00.000-06:00

Apparently the world is flat.

I know this because I recently fell off the edge.

I know - you wondered what happened to me, well, there you have it, "there be monsters" and all that jazz... I can't confirm or deny the existence of elephants and a hugo-mongous turtle holding it all up, my last pair of contacts got ripped and it's hard to tell the difference between elephants and my laundry pile.

Turns out it's kind of a long way down at the edge, but not entirely impossible to claw your way back up.

Good to know.

If you want a BETTER excuse than that you're welcome to invent one. Until then, I'm sticking with my flat world theory.

And don't believe anyone who tells you that it's because I'm busy...

They're a bunch of liars... whose brains are obviously mush from all the museum meetings, youth conferences, sewing, PTA meetings, laundry, field trips, nutrition classes, shopping, planning meetings, church classes, eye appointments, dance classes, scouts, youth group, cooking, cleaning, oil changes, hair appointments, helping people move, and trying to just read a darn book before the deadline they've had to do.

Those kind of people just can't be trusted.

And to think that I saw it...

2011-06-29T09:14:00.000-06:00

I dragged myself out of bed this morning - and headed out the door... not knowing the wonders that would meet my eyes and ears...

I ran up the hill (shhh, this is my story - I don't have to admit that I actually trudged slowly up the hill because I have no energy) and met a friend who I dragged off to find the mystery sound that had assaulted my ears as soon as I hit the street. What my ears heard: a young child yelling "MaMaaaa" every few seconds...

Reality? a chicken... stupid chicken.

Then I heard a sprinkler going WILD and watering a barren patch of dirt... I was all prepared to call this homeowner later and let them know they were being horrible earthlings by wasting our precious resources.

Reality? the air conditioner.

More Reality? I wouldn't call the neighbor... not because I lack the guts, but because I really couldn't care less about our precious resources.

Okay, REAL Reality? I care, I even turn off the tap when I brush my teeth, but if they want to pay some ridiculous water bill... oh wait, it was just an air conditioner - I can stop trying now...

Then we walked around the corner and headed up another ridiculously steep hill where a Komodo dragon was guarding the path.

Reality? the hill, more of a gradual rise... and it was a branch...

Throughout the morning I found myself seeing (and not seeing) many fun and interesting things...

Reality? reality is boring.

In reality - I need new glasses. and maybe I should have my hearing checked?

Life is WAY more fun when you just play along though!

Even Dr. Seuss agrees with me.

P.S. - a confidential Happy Birthday to my brother Neal... even though he never reads my blog... or the posts I leave on facebook... and rarely answers his phone... which frankly I rarely call... so if any of my readers live in the Provo area - if you don't mind walking around campus yelling "Happy Birthday Neal" I'd sure sleep better knowing he got the well-wishes :)

when teenagers cook...

2011-06-27T10:13:00.002-06:00

For Father's Day we made these amazing Cinnamon Roll Pancakes... I blame Pinterest for this... but they were de-lish-us...

and yes, that did qualify me for Wife of the Year status.

The boys? they loved them... and since they QUADRUPLED the recipe last week they've been using up the cinnamon swirl stuff all week (new pancake batter each time, should have multiplied that by 12 apparently)

Eating these daily is probably not good for the waist line... but look how responsible he is being with his icing application!

I knew when the 14 year old asked me this morning - "Mom, how long does a sugar coma last" - that we were going to have troubles...

I'm pretty sure that's like eating a birthday cake for breakfast... minus the candles.

update: okay, okay, I can take a hint

Source: recipegirl.com via Tonya on Pinterest

that'll get you to the recipe... I think... just click on the picture, then click on the SAME picture on Pinterest...

If you have any self respect at all... a foray into Google's new Image search...

2011-06-24T16:47:00.000-06:00

Image search is cool... cool on the level of Star Trek and the tricorder that diagnoses the patient in a matter of seconds.

okay, maybe not THAT cool... but still kind of cool.

To test it out I threw in a few random images from my desktop. If you've ever SEEN my desktop you'll know that it is a jumble of images, some of which I've forgotten where they came from. Google Image search found most in a matter of seconds... and then provided some "similar images" as well...

that is where the fun comes in.

I grabbed a picture that I happen to know only exists on the internet in a teensy tiny little Twitter I.D. form... mostly because it looks MUCH better on a smaller scale. This picture:

and then I dragged it into the Google Image Search Box... thinking that it would regale me with pictures of supermodels who I look similar to... or at least random screen shots of nature scenes that had the appropriate amount of blues and oranges...

but no, I get this Ego-deflating mixture...

7 out of the 20? Guys. 3 of the 20? Old enough to be my grandparent. Okay, so my parent at least!

Not that I'm slamming any of these people - some of whom are downright gorgeous...

but that lady (first column, second row) is linked directly to her blog post about her bad haircut... and that guy on the top row (far right) well... seriously, I just don't see the resemblance.

Now if I'd taken a picture of me 20 years ago in my rebel teen phase and gotten the second row center result I would not have been shocked, but today?

So how's YOUR ego today? Can it take this kind of a hit? If not feel free to pop another picture of me in there, it certainly can't get any worse.

Knock on wood. or something that looks visually similar to wood.

Future Planning - Sweet M Style

2011-06-21T08:17:00.000-06:00

H had her hair cut last week - a sassy little short do that is perfect for the summer.

M, being H's shadow, was looking on. She wanted a cute short do as well - but she was having stress over the decision. Thinking that the decision would take days at most I cleaned up and put away the scissors and cape (the kind that keeps the hair off of the girls, not the kind I wear because I think I'm a Super Hero... I never put that away)

The source of her stress? She finally divulged to me that she wasn't sure she wanted to cut her hair that short because she wanted to have it long for prom.

She is Seven years old.

(we compromised, her hair is now to her shoulders, it should be able to grow back over the next ten years...)

On Sunday sweet M drew pictures in church again (this time she left out the "details" (wrinkles) on my face...

her most interesting picture was the design she made for her wedding cake.

13 layers... that's probably unlucky or something... unlucky for whoever has to drive it from the bakery to the reception at least!

This is a girl who has her life planned out!

Romance: I have been told a list of qualities and requirements... I might have added a few...

Career: She has moved from Doctor to Veterinarian (or Vegetarian... depending on whether or not she's confused that day)

House: She draws house plans with rooms dedicated to all of her favorite things... her friend A, movies, swimming, her sister... these are mansions of course and so she has a fall back plan in case she's not independently wealthy... she'll stay with me.

I am adding "independently wealthy" to the Romance list right now.

Kids: all girls - because boys are annoying.

I'm assuming that "not annoying" is already on her list for the perfect husband.

Braggedy Anne strikes again...

2011-06-18T23:39:00.000-06:00

Because sometimes...

well - Autumn is just around the corner right? and Pride comes before the fall???

Whatever...

the fact is - the cake???

I rocked it.

First person to ask if those are gumballs around all the layers gets shot in the earlobe. (they are fondant pearls, all handrolled...)
and no, I did not make these flowers by hand - the bride picked these out herself at TaiPan. (much easier for me!)

Maybe someday I will tell the WHOLE story... the one that involves ten children munching on large pieces of cake disposing of evidence before my composure cracked as badly as a 16 inch layer when someone doesn't perform a perfect flip/flip to get it out of the pan...

But for now - I'm just breathing a sigh of relief that it is made, displayed, cut, and eaten...

and now I can go back to reading your blogs this week :)

Sneak Peek... a.k.a. Wordless Friday

2011-06-17T09:28:00.000-06:00

hey, what can I say... I'm SwAmPeD with this cake business!

those roses... made entirely by hand - I'm proud of those :)

and shhh... I figure nature is imperfect - my goal with this cake is to avoid being this week's Cake Wreck... although it IS making a wreck out of me...

Maybe Jen and John (the Cake Wrecks people) will want to feature a picture of my frantic hair pulled face?

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - What Have I Been Up To?

2011-06-15T12:36:00.000-06:00

19 cake mixes + 4 eggs whites each = one insane project

Having a Princess Bride Flashback in Church...

2011-06-13T09:49:00.000-06:00

You will all have to forgive me this week... I am baking my heart out - and then decorating my heart out... which I'm SURE will be a funny story in the weeks to come, but until then I will only be dropping by to share small snippets.

Hopefully none of the small snippets will have to do with making pounds of cake balls out of ruined wedding cake?

For those that are still worried - the debit card fiasco was resolved without unpleasantness. I do still wish a little unpleasant upon the thieves... but otherwise I am letting it go :)

Today?

Today I am still laughing a little over what some nice older gentleman said in church yesterday... (and I quote... ermmm... well, paraphrase... it's not like I had a recording going of his talk...)

NiceOldGuy: "My wife and I both grew up in Southern California, we went to the same church, the same High School... but we waited before Hooking Up"

Me: (well, okay I didn't actually SAY anything out loud... but if I HAD it would have been this...)

"Ummm, Vizzini - you keep using that word, I do not think it means what you think it means..."

LOVE me some Princess Bride :)

(he also used the word "courting" which confused the young people in the room as well...)

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - Identity Theft

2011-06-08T11:31:00.000-06:00

Let's just say that there's a certain local gas station that I ended up at last week that needs to step up their security.

and that maybe there's a certain amount of poetic justice that they tried to use their fake cards right before our payday...

Procrastination, Petrol, and Patty Loveless

2011-06-03T10:34:00.001-06:00

Procrastination:
I often say that I am the Queen of Procrastination. Argue if you must, but that's the truth... you can be the Princess of Procrastination if you like... or the Prince... or the Duke or Duchess even, but Queen is all mine.

If I have a meeting at 2:00 it is not unlikely that I will wait until 1:15 to jump in the shower. If I have to PRESENT at said meeting... Well, let's just say that when I spoke about blogging a few months ago I had a very late night cobbling together my presentation... in the morning? I was just awake enough to slap on clothes, grab my notes (after forgetting them a few times), and jump in the car (someone else's car... I'm a responsible exhausted person)

Petrol:
Today - procrastination caught up with me. My gas light went on 3 days ago. It being summer vacation I don't have too many places that I NEED to be... so I waited... and waited... and told myself with each 4 mile jaunt that I certainly had enough gas for this short trip. This morning? It could not wait any longer... so I nudged the VeggieTeen a few minutes early - there are multiple gas stations on the way to his band rehearsal after all...

The first (my gas station of choice) had a big tanker truck parked there. Now I have no idea if this is actually TRUE, but I heard once that the act of pumping gas IN to the underground tanks is liable to stir up the sludge that has settled to the bottom - and filling your tank at this point is a bad idea. I'm a sucker for that kind of scary story so I passed on that station and continued my drive... passing on my possible misinformation to the VeggieTeen as one of his "life lessons"

Stations #2 is just a hop, skip, and jump further along the left side of the road... so when I swerved into the right lane I got a questioning look from the Veggie Teen.

I guess he was expecting another "life lesson" about why I didn't want to get gas at this particular establishment... because he just laughed at me when I explained that that place piped loud Country music into the parking lot.

But... Country music makes me crabby. Crabby drivers are bad drivers... see, it was a safety lesson after all!

(For the record: I love Google, I love that I can find a Country Music artist beginning with the letter P without actually having to know what they sing/drawl/twang... whichever)
(For the other record: VeggieTeen was not even late to band practice... but I did have to only fill up the car to 1/3... still putting a huge dent in the bank account)

What Th' Wednesdays - Fork Edition.

2011-06-01T09:42:00.000-06:00

those of you who have read this blog for more than... well, 2 weeks... will suspect right away that "What Th' Wednesdays" may die at midnight tonight, rightfully so friends, rightfully so...

Frankly we here at "You Asked For it" will do anything on Wednesdays that begins with a W. We are eating Waffles for dinner tonight even.

and I'm going to use THIS fork to eat my waffles!

no... I'm not kidding... this is my favorite fork.

What? you don't have a favorite? When I was a kid we fought over my Grandma's "gold" fork... called the "gold" fork probably because it was gold. My own sweet M loves the "flower" fork and willingly sets the table daily in order to be sure that she gets that fork. If by any chance the flower fork is at your place setting when dinner time comes - you must have done something aMAZing for that girl recently!

but MY favorite fork has no flowers... is not gold... it does THIS:

Wait for it...

I know... "What Th'...?" (I didn't call it that for nothing' guys!)

I was shopping with Veggie Teen... at this kitchen store place... (yes, I had to drag him in there kicking and screaming) (or at least that's what I promised to tell my readers so that they'd know that he's truly a "man's man") and we came upon a display of forks... and some spoons... but since I didn't actually BUY a spoon you just get to hear about the fork?

What on EARTH is this fork good for... yes, you might be asking yourself that very thing...

kinda like we asked... and the salesgirl actually was completely clueless...

So we had a good time coming up with some ideas...

The Five Second Rule Fork... Really, if you want to rescue that food before the germs and bacteria of the world converge upon your dropped treat - taking the time to scoot your chair out and lean down may be difference between dancing the night away and Necrotizing Fasciitis. (a really nasty disease... probably not food borne, but I like that the spell check says it's WRONG even though I looked it up!)

Just Extend that handle, stab the dropped item (warning - grapes do have a tendency to roll away and avoid the tines), and proceed with your meal.

But wait... that's not all! (Oh Billy Mays... we miss you) With this nifty kitchen gadget you will be able to avoid the most feared of all motherhood moments. No, not that one... yeah, not that one either.

Okay, fine, stop guessing - I'll just tell you. I have some picky kids. Po in particular is apt to reject something new and has been known (about 9 years ago) to spew food from his mouth like a horizontal geyser. Feeding from afar will solve the fear of catching a face full of Brussels Sprouts.

Though, seriously... if you're feeding your kids Brussels Sprouts you kinda deserve the repercussions... those are truly NaStY!

Next Up! Is it summer time? Are you craving S'mores? No time to drive to the campground? Worry no longer... With the nifty difty Extendable Wonder you too can create the illusion of a warm summer's eve in your own kitchen.

Provided you have a gas stove...

Can't reach that itchy spot on your back?

Just please remember to wipe off the marshmallow mess first!

Out to dinner with new friends? Someone else order something that you are a little envious of? Don't let the fact that envy is a deadly sin stop you - take charge of the situation...

Seriously... I mean, those were GOOD breadsticks...
(and a thank you to my new friends... because dinner was a laugh a minute... and because they're going to come by here to see their pictures... and because Kathryn, the one cracking up on the right, gave me the next idea!)

Food Fight? The Fantastic Four Foot (not actual length) Food Flinger gives you an amazing amount of leverage. Your lunchroom opponents will Run (not walk) in the opposite direction, cursing you and your fork of awesomeness. (sorry, no picture... somehow I didn't think the restaurant would appreciate that one...)

Warning: Manufacturer of fork (whom I have had absolutely NO contact with) will not be held responsible fork injury caused to self or others by food-borne-illnesses, projectile food, vigorous backscratching, Melted Marshmallow burns, eyes poked by distance feeding, or damages incurred when you have to run from the restaurant when they accuse you of pocketing their silverware. Blogger claims same protection from prosecution... for all the same reasons... and maybe a few more.

Disclaimer: Heads up FTC guys - I paid for my own fork... I was not compensated for providing the link to said fork, I even paid for my own dinner (and did not actually eat Hayley's). So we're all good :)

Zumba is of the Devil.

2011-05-27T08:29:00.001-06:00

I have referenced my Zumba story more than once... but realized last week I'd never actually TOLD my Zumba story... We cannot have that... not so much because you need another cautionary tale... but because I have a hard time keeping anything to myself.

and so I present - without further ado - the reason I am under Doctor's order to not shake my Booty.

say "Zumba" in my community and you will have to duck - because it seems to be the Jazzercise of the new century... (if you don't know what Jazzercise is... well, be glad... be very glad...)

gee, which would YOU rather look like? I know, the frog tights are "rad"

Women from miles around you will flock to hear how much you LOVE your Zumba instructor and whether or not you have tried the glow in the dark version...

for those of you unenlightened folk who have been living under a rock Zumba is a mish mash of Latin Dance moves/other dance moves inspired by other things that I really don't care to research just for the purposes of this blog. The music is... loud. Okay - probably also "happenin'" or some other less dated term.

I went once - I was prepared to shake my money maker. (no, I don't know what that means... as I've never actually been paid to shake any part of myself). I shimmied when the instructor said shimmy - I did the one move that made me look like a water sprinkler... I box stepped and even did a move or two that made me glad that there were no men in the room. I had MOVES like no other.

okay, maybe one other... the lady next to me had extremely similar moves... only in reverse... which is probably why we kept bumping into one another. I am going to go ahead and blame that entirely on her since she's not here to defend herself.

I walked out of that one hour class sweating like... well, like I'd just spent an hour working out. Trust me, if anyone tells you "Zumba is so fun you forget you're working out"... well, they're just plain mental.

It was fun... sort of... but not THAT fun.

It was fun enough that I picked up a schedule on my way out of the class, anticipating that me and my money maker could probably do with a class or two... per week... and I went home - confident in my new found abilities.

and then...

(yes, I probably could have come up with a better transition for my story... something that lets the reader know that it's all downhill from here... so sue me)

I woke up the next morning feeling like I had just stepped off the Tilt O Whirl. I tried to get out of bed and ended up... well, out of bed... but not on my feet.

haha, funny... yeah... except I have hardwood floors in my bedroom... not so funny now is it? (okay, you can laugh... it's still funny... and they're actually a laminate knockoff - but they LOOK like hardwood!)

I've had a few "dizzy days" - sometimes referred to as my "blonde moments" - throughout my life... I always assumed I had a little water in my ear, or maybe an inner ear infection... and they always go away after a day or two. No big deal.

Except that a week later I was still spinning. EVERYTHING I did caused me to "trip out"...

It was nauseating - but worst of all it was pretty danged scary. Especially when I was driving.

Which I only did once... because once was enough... for everyone involved.

Okay - it was only me that was involved... thank goodness...

I saw a few doctors... the first told me (no joke) to go home and look up some stuff on WebMD to see how best to treat it. Yeah, WebMD is the best place to go if you want to link every single scratch to the possibility of necrotizing fasciitis.

So I went to a few different doctors ... and the down and dirty of it is that I have a diagnosis:

Sucks To Be You Syndrome

only they called it something less exciting... benign proximal blah blah blah vertigo... and then told me to NEVER try Zumba again. Seriously. So, technically - it's my doctor's fault that my jeans a little tight.

(conveniently forgetting about the cheesecake in the freezer...)

Yeah, dizzy me got to enjoy a lot of free Disneyland type rides just going about my daily business... and two months later I was finally able to pass a field sobriety test.

Things I learned: When there is a medicine meant to counteract the dizziness... the best place for it is probably NOT on the lowest shelf. The pharmacist agreed with me after he had to come out and get it for me. Dishes and Food located on shelves higher than eye level... yeah, those weren't important to the meal anyway. While the effects are similar - tickets to Disneyland are cheaper than all those Dr. visits. After all of these years I have not learned a hip and with it way to say "cool".

images blatantly stolen from the web... because I'm under Doctor's orders to stay away from any place that might cause me to Shake what my momma gave me.

Thoughts on the Last day of School

2011-05-25T09:43:00.000-06:00

What kind of brilliant idea was making the last two days of High School/Middle School "optional"?

The VeggieTeen is still asleep.

Scheduling a dance for Tuesday night until 11 p.m. pretty much guaranteed an empty school on Friday - and I can't help but respect that kind of wisdom.

The size of the pile of "backpack barf" (the stuff that comes home the last few days and then jumps out of the backpack onto my recently vacuumed rug) is directly proportional to the amount of time spent cleaning the house that day.

I am avoiding any unnecessary cleaning today - for fear that the pile will get larger!

I probably should have made a special breakfast for my kids today.

Marshmallow Mateys are special enough for the last day of school... when school starts again I'll celebrate with donuts.

Tomorrow they're all going to be home... all day...

The first child to say "what is there to do..." will be punished.

severely.

probably with a list of possible chores.

If I haven't written anything witty by next Monday - please call and insist on hearing my voice... because it's entirely possible that I will still be buried under piles of backpack barf and gym clothes that haven't been brought home since August.

Welcome Summer... I think...

The Last Week of School - the "Mommy-do List"

2011-05-23T09:50:00.001-06:00

My kids are not what you might call "organized"

Now, I wouldn't call them scatter-brained (most days) but I wouldn't be too upset if someone else did...

The last week of school is always full of fun activities - and somehow that last week crept up on me like a big Anaconda. We're now down to 2.5 days of "fun, fun, fun" and I'm exhausted. (I'm also a little freaked out at the thought of completing all of this from the interior of an Anaconda)

Pirate Day... the bus comes at 8:30... at 7:30 we're scrounging through boxes of Halloween costumes because I KNOW we've got a pirate costume... and ta'dah... we find it, with seconds to spare. Note to self as they walk out the door: wash the costume before putting it back in the box... hopefully nobody noticed that smudge on the shirt that looks like she had an incontinent parrot on her shoulder.

Hawaiian Day... at 7:55 I got asked where the Hawaiian shirts were that I sewed for the girls last summer... ummm.... *Lots of Scrambling* and they were off to school dressed in bright prints with shell necklaces. I even found my muumuu and wore it when I went later to teach the art class and help with Shaved Ice treats.

Concerts... luckily I found out about the concert via e-mail the day before, otherwise I have to wonder how that all would have gone... "Oh yeah mom... the big concert is tonight, in like 7 minutes, could you stop making dinner and run me up to the school?"

Movie Day Treats... 8:15 - Mom, we can bring treats to school to share today... (ummm, yeah, I'm not a nice enough mom to put them in the car and buy something yummy on the way to school...) I opened the cupboard ONCE and stated that if she wanted, there was enough time to pop a bag of popcorn.

Pajama Day (that's today) - I was SO on top of it... I knew about this day - we picked out the pajamas she was going to wear... and I washed them. Or so I thought...

Somewhere in my pain medicated, muscle relaxed stupor of last night we found out that the favorite Jammies were not clean... So Veggie Teen put a small load in the was for me since I was unconscious on the couch. I dragged myself off the couch long enough to tell him to put them in the dryer, brush my teeth, and lay down on the bed. (Really I'm fine... pulled a muscle... no worries)

When I woke up this morning? The pajama pants are in the dryer - the shirt? on the floor next to a note from M "Please clean thes pants and shrit for pigama Day. Tank you"... oops.

Fastest load takes 23 minutes - and the dryer got it MOST of the way dry before she had to put it on... good thing the sun has come out...

I'm THAT mom... the one who doesn't know what's going on at the school... the one whose kid shows up in pajamas on hawaiian day (okay, not quite...)

and the thing is... I know that when we clean out backpacks on Wednesday after school... I will find a well written note, complete with a chart, detailing what special days are happening at school...

Today I'm just hoping that by "My teacher said we could bring ANY stuffed animal to school today" that she didn't mean "Mom, I lost the note because it actually said the stuffed animal shouldn't be larger than the student"... I'd show you a picture... but I'm only awake long enough to get this typed... I think I'm tired again - I only got 15 hours of sleep last night.

What I Wish I'd Said Wednesday

2011-05-18T08:30:00.001-06:00

Wrong Numbers.

We all get them, shoot - we've all dialed them... and felt stupid saying "oops, sorry - wrong number"

Some people just hang up when they hear my voice. Yes, I take it personally.

Some people ask for their friend in that odd voice that tells you that they already know they've blown it but are hoping against hope that their friend is allowing some complete stranger to answer their phone. Could happen... right?

With the advent of cell phones my new favorite is the text message of baby pictures... from someone I've never met. I should probably text them back and let them know that they're sending nearly naked pictures of their child to a complete stranger... but who wants to look like a pedophile?

I've always wanted to be that cool guy who ends up chatting with the caller and playing with their mind... but that requires some FAST thinking. FAST I can do... it's the thinking part that I get hung up on.

Our most recent "wrong number" call came on Sunday. Answered by my 9 yr old daughter.

They had meant to call Panda Express.

Which makes perfect sense because we have a total of ONE digit in common. I'm hoping they were ordering the shrimp - because seafood is good for your brain right?

The caller seemed to hesitate a little when that tiny little girl voice answered the phone - but he went ahead and asked if it was Panda Express anyway

Unfortunately my daughter told them they had the wrong number and hung up before I could grab the phone...

Because what I REALLY wish I'd said was "Panda Express, where Chinese Food is so authentic we use Child Labor - will this be for pick-up or delivery"

Monday rolls around again...

2011-05-16T09:53:00.001-06:00

It tends to do that every week doesn't it?

If you are a facebook friend or a Twitter follower you already know that I had a HOT date this weekend.

ManOfTheHouse took me out to a concert - and then we followed that up with dinner and dancing.

yes, seriously... my sisters-in-law who have known ManOfTheHouse since he was practicing the deacon two-step can stop laughing now...

The Concert?

okay, so it was Veggie Teen's band performing poolside at the community center. They're pretty amazing though and I fully enjoyed it.

The Dinner/Dancing?

ummm... let's just say that it was an event titled "The Hootenanny Hoedown"...

Hey, don't kill the messenger - I didn't name it!

A few of our older friends got married awhile back - and decided to throw this lovely party in lieu of a reception...

I debated what kinds of illnesses would keep me away gracefully but allow me to show up at church the next day... but eventually I just gave in and got dressed. Nothing special, not even an ounce of plaid.

M, however, went all out.

and we ate... I think it was all cooked in a dutch oven... which makes for delicious cobblers, but very greasy meat.

and listened to a little country music. Thumbs up for me - I actually knew a song or two... because ManOfTheHouse made me watch that Walk the Line movie...

but did you know that "All my exes live in Texas" is an actual song and NOT just a joke people make about Country Music? Yeah, okay - you did? Now I do too... go figure. As far as I know though - that joke about what you get when you play Country Music backward is still just humor... isn't it? (you know... y'get yer truck back, y'get yer hat back... etc...)

hey... trust me, it's funnier in person.

and we danced... well, we tried to dance... and by "we" I actually do mean that I got into it as well, but there is no photographic evidence of my boot-scootin'-boogie. Sad day for you.

line dancing? kinda like Zumba... I felt uncoordinated all over again - and put it in the list of things I'm pretty sure my doctor doesn't want me doing. (Have I ever told you guys my Zumba story?)

and then the eating and dancing caught up with me... and we left - driving quickly so I could get home before "succumbing to the urge" - yeah, well, I knew I should have stayed home in the first place!

Spoiled Rotten

2011-05-09T10:51:00.000-06:00

Let's face it... I'll never get EVERYTHING I want for Mother's Day... because as of this writing nobody has yet invented the Universal Mute Button... y'know - that little device I can keep in my pocket that will automatically silence the phone call that interrupts the prayer, the blathering busy-body at the store, the iPod in my kids' ears that is keeping them from hearing my pleas for help, and the sassy child. When that is invented life will be perfect... well, as long as nobody else around me gets ahold of one :)

Until then... my family did pretty well :)

Breakfast in bed... complete with my daily allergy pills :)

The final card from M... (she made 4 this year) - presented during church.

Mostly because she wanted me to use it to "sing" along with the primary Mother's Day songs...

And... if you didn't get what you wanted... hey, you're on a computer right now - what's stopping you?

Okay, I mean BESIDES the credit limit?

You're gonna want to see this one...

2011-05-05T09:00:00.000-06:00

1-Veggie Teen had a birthday - he's sixteen... if you look closely at his knee you can see that he even got a vehicle... his favorite Hippie Van :)

2-Okay, so he got a little bit more than that...

funny he is still rocking the neighborhood by playing on the ~~piano~~ forte upstairs... we met our brand new neighbors - and they didn't even ask our names... just "who plays the piano?"... luckily that was followed by "I like it" and not by "hey kid, could ya tone it down a little?" or "you little brat - I'm gonna call the cops if that wakes me up again!"
3-16 is a rite of passage in our family... it is the age when you're allowed to *gasp* Date...

Guess how long it took before he was invited to go somewhere...

24.2 hours.

Guess how long it would have been before HE did the inviting...

more than that. a lot more.

Thank goodness girls are a little bolder these days...

and creative too... the "signature" to the invite was buried in a (reportedly) delicious chocolate cake. Which looked a lot better before digging out aforementioned signature...

4-The kids are playing soccer... M even occasionally will get near the ball.

Don't look closely - don't notice that her shorts are on backward... just appreciate the miracle of her foot making contact with the ball and not someone's shin. I once caught her doing a little boogie near the goal... the game had obviously lost her interest... I wish I'd had a camera though because that was quite the talented little hip-shaker out there.

5-H plays too... as does Po... unfortunately their games are almost always scheduled at the same time and try as I might I have not been able to be two places at once. I'll keep working on that.

As you can tell from the picture Soccer is not about exercise or skill... it is about fashion...

Check out those socks (not my daughter wearing them... just a friend with awesome taste in leg wear)

6-Speaking of great taste - M has obviously seen the new trend amongst the teens - wearing two different colored Cons... she decided to put her own spin on it.

and yes - I did let her go to school that way. (although I did tuck the matching pair in her backpack... just in case)

7-The REAL news of the week?

It's what I let my kid go to school WITHOUT...

I'm really torn... because when he asked if I'd cut it last night I was having a "shock and awe" moment.

and this morning... not a word was said... I don't think ManOfTheHouse even noticed...

This little tiny strand of hair was such a part of his identity for the past year I'm not sure what's going to happen without it... He is NOT a rebellious child... and even if I weren't his mother I think I'd be impressed with what a good kid he is... but he just likes to be a little "different"... and this was his non-permanent, non-bizarre, non-illegal way to stand out. And now it's gone...

A moment of silence please...

Going "off-radar" is sometimes healthy...

2011-05-04T08:58:00.000-06:00

In this day and age it seems we all have so many ways to be "connected" - now I may have the oldest phone on the planet but some of you have phones that are as fancy as my laptop/phone/gps/the iPod I don't actually have/best friend rolled into one. This is all well and good... but sometimes, well frankly sometimes I need a break.

I know, my artistic talent knows no bounds...

So, I dropped off the edge of the earth... or at least the radar screen...
Sometimes I like to listen - you know, to the world around me.

Which means that the OTHER world around me (that's you guys) gets a little neglected... sorry! it's just the truth peeps - I apparently can't be all things to all people no matter how hard I try!

So if you've missed my witty comments on your blog posts - I formally apologize...

If you thought that my absence was indicative of the fact that I keeled over and died then why on earth did you not call the authorities... y'know, in this case being... ummm... Mark Zuckerberg? I'm pretty sure he'd be able to find me before the local cops... although it's not hard, it's not like I'm hiding out in a fancy mansion in Pakistan or anything...

Luckily this week signifies the end of soccer season... which will return my Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays to normal...

define "normal" for me again wouldya?

OH! and I have a giveaway to finalize - because I have a Freschetta Pizza Coupon to mail off to Heather B (who is way off across the ocean and thus not eligible for the Container set)... Sorry Heather - but I think that you will be happy when you find that the Containers are now going to Laura... who I'm sure will treat them quite well in your absence.

I thank you... Freschetta thanks you... Random.org thanks you... ummm... yeah - we're a grateful bunch of people around here!

and now if you REALLY want to try it I'll give you a hint - hurry, because most of the boxes right now have a mail-in rebate which means you ALL get pizza for free. Free is my favorite price!

y'wanna know what I learned while "listening" yesterday at the park during soccer practice... I learned that SOME people have step-sons who don't know that their Dad isn't really their Dad yet and that SOME people should probably not have such loud conversations in a public place... just sayin'

hey, what can I say... the sounds of nature were probably more soothing, but the soap opera was happening about 5 feet away... what's a girl supposed to do?

Someone needs a Makeover "While You Were Out" style!

2011-04-30T15:47:00.005-06:00

why am I posting on a Saturday afternoon?

Nope... not to wish Veggie Teen a Happy Birthday... though he is now 16 and available to date... but not seriously... because that would just freak me out.

(oh, Happy Birthday Kid... you'll get your day... just wait)

Nobody in their right mind posts on Saturday afternoon right?

Don't I KNOW that nobody will ever see this, it will be buried in all the many blogs you all read on Monday morning.

Only - I know my readers - I know they're just dying to get a peek into the exciting aspects of my life...

especially the aspects which I usually don't show.

People who have been to my house in person don't even get to see my bedroom. That door stays SHUT

This is because it is also known as "the staging area"

you know... where I throw all the junk that I'm trying to hide from company?

I wish I were kidding on that one.

But my bloggy friend is hosting a fun giveaway - and apparently she's looking for the WORST room to makeover... and I used to spend entire days watching "While You Were Out" and "Man Your House is Hideous Here Let's make it a Little Better" - ummm... or whatever that one with Ty Pennington was called. So I'm excited to maybe try this - yeah... seriously. I could be a contender!!!

(dang, did the button wrong - go to the Vintage Revivals Contest the old fashioned link way...)

The question of the day is: Does my room look THAT bad?

Well, let me tell you a little story:

When we first moved into our house I had a lot of people ask what my decor style was going to be. I'm a bit of a Normal Rockwell fan and I would say "Americana"... not knowing that to everyone else's mind "Americana" meant the American flag plastered on everything that would hold still... and you'd be amazed at the amount of home-warming gifts I got all plastered with the red, white and blue of my fair country...

Now, I'm a patriot... really.

But it was too much.

Now... if Mandy wanted to do THAT room over (the "Americana" decor has long ago been donated to a local school) it's virtually empty... but the real fashion faux pas in our house is now this...

My bedroom... which in an attempt to make it fashionable enough for me and masculine enough for my ManOfTheHouse I mentioned to those same well-meaning family members and friends that we were decorating it like a cabin:

and this is what happened:

Yes - seriously, even the toothbrush holder!

Enough Already!!!

Mandi - Obviously we are in need of help. (and BONUS! I live nearby - can we use the travel expenses to head to Vegas for the day?)

the good news - the room has "good bones" - or at least that's a catchphrase that I remember from all the DIY shows... and there's even a few pieces of furniture that can be re-vamped. Like my hope chest that has gone from Green to Red... and now... well, now it's more "chameleon" covered... or at least that's what I think... I'll let you know once I remove the piles and piles of clothing.

oooh, and I also have a PILE of mirrors sitting around... and anybody who has ever hung out at Vintage Revivals KNOWS that Mandy has a thing for Mirrors :) When you all pop over there later to vote for me (hint*cough*hint - voting starts at Midnight!) also check out the aMAZing branchy things she's got over on her side bar - because even though the post is about making your own rug (I know... she's too talented for me...) I just drool over that wall art!

and - as Mandi has been known to say... "Love your guts"

yeah, it works better for her...
because around here - we know that's a tiny bit on the gross side. I don't actually love anything about your intestinal system.

and if I win... next time you visit - I promise to let you see my bedroom*

*providing you give me at least 24 hours notice prior to any visit, tour not to include the closet, the bathroom, and visitors must agree to not look under the bed.

A Royal Flop...

2011-04-29T08:56:00.000-06:00

Like many of my neighbors I was awake this morning at 4 a.m. (for those of you who are NOT my neighbors this was the time the Royal Wedding coverage was slated to start).

Unlike many of those neighbors I was awoken by coughing from my daughter - checked on her (she was fine... really) and immediately went back to sleep.

In all honesty I don't think I cared much when Charles and Di wed... and I was a little girl who should have been dreaming of fluffy princess dresses and marrying my own prince.

But seriously - that dress? Even the little girl in me knew that was obnoxious... apparently just getting in the royal carriage required a few helpers to shove in that train. Not to mention that prince... at least Kate got the hunkier looking son.

But no, I didn't watch it... didn't even consider watching it.

My apathy makes me...

well, something...

you tell me:
It proves that I don't have a romantic bone in my body.
It proves that I am too old to swoon about someday marrying a Prince and living in a castle singing to forest animals.
It proves that I prefer sensible shoes and dresses that you can dance in.
It proves that I love my husband enough to be happy with our wedding that cost about 1/10000th of the amount they spent on the Royal big day.
It proves that I have been sleep deprived and had better things to do at 4 a.m.
It proves that the only Royals I will ever cheer for are probably wearing baseball caps.
Okay, really... not those ones either.

or... All of the Above.

but hey, congrats to the happy couple... I'd send a card or something but really, I just don't care enough to send the very best.

Little Purple Pansies in my garden grow... a.k.a. Why I don't have a gardening blog

2011-04-27T10:12:00.000-06:00

When I was little a friend actually thought that song said "Little purple Panties"... which is all well and good until you get to the part about being "touched with yellow gold"...

Yeah - that resulted in a little teasing... which I'm sure I never participated in.

Oh, yeah - and I know this isn't a pansy... but I didn't have any tip of the tongue songs about Iris...

Don't faint... apparently I DO have a domestic bone in my body... these are in my very own flower bed.

Also, don't give me TOO much credit - the bulbs were given by a friend's mother and all I did was pop them into the ground and make sure they stayed watered... luckily they each had enough foliage (that's the leafy stuff right?) remaining that I managed to not plant them upside down...

and maybe this year I'll add a little dirt... are the bulbs supposed to look like they're trying to escape my garden? is it THAT rotten of a place to be planted?

There are currently about 100 of these bad boys in my back yard - but the full scale picture is just so stunning that it might be considered bragging :)

or maybe I'm just too flippin' lazy to go and find the camera cord to load up that stunning photo...

whichever.

The REAL point of Scouting... (hint, it has to do with yummy pizza)

2011-04-25T08:09:00.002-06:00

This is a Sponsored post written by me on behalf of FRESCHETTA® for SocialSpark. All opinions are 100% mine.
I think the scouts have some oath or something... as a matter of fact they have a bunch of stuff they've memorized - one of which talks about the purposes of scouting...
Be Prepared - Be Helpful... y'know... but they left one out...
My favorite one. "When camping have a tin-foil dinner that will the rest of the troop will talk about for weeks!"
Have you ever made a tin-foil dinner? The ingredients usually consist of some sort of meat, some version of potatoes (these usually burn), some vegetables (it doesn't matter what kind - they burn too) - so in the end you're left with... meat... This was a problem for our friendly neighborhood Vegetarian Scouter...
so what to do?
Pizza.
I had a GREAT plan to be all domestic and home-makery... mix up my own fancy crust and chop all the toppings... milk a cow and process some cheese and all that.
and then...
well, life got busy...
and I happened to be at the store picking up a microwave pizza - coupon provided by FRESCHETTA® By the Slice so I could tell you all about it...
Mmmmm... yummmm... I will admit I didn't expect much from a microwave pizza slice... I picked the Chicken Barbecue because only one member of our family is afflicted with vegetarianism (I did note however that TWO of their four flavors -Vegetable Medley and 6 Cheese Medley) are Veggie Teen friendly... this made me smile!) Also available: Chicken, Spinach & Mushroom... which was tempting enough that I almost flipped a coin to choose... but that old guy buying frozen peas looked at me funny when I asked to borrow a quarter.
It was actually yummy... with a good crisp non-cardboardy crust... I give it two thumbs up - albeit those thumbs were covered in a little sauce at the time... hey, eating pizza isn't a neat and tidy affair! I was pleasantly surprised to find a good fresh taste and the onions on my pizza still had a little crunch to them - how they managed this in a frozen pizza is beyond my capabilities - but I tip my hat to them for their brilliance.
BUT... as I was saying - the Scout Dinner Pizza... well - apparently the scout trailer isn't equipped with a microwave - so I did the next best thing - I picked up one of the Freschetta self-rising crust version pizzas and...
1: sprayed the tinfoil with a little Canola oil
2: unboxed and folded the pizza in half
3: slapped it on that there chunk of tinfoil
4: wrapped it up in tinfoil, then in newspaper, then in tinfoil again...
5: sent the kid off to camp.
6: looked forward to Sunday - when I was praised and honored (okay... "talked to") at church by the Scout Leader who had drooled over my kid's Calzone while munching on his burnt potatoes and veggies...

the "before" for obvious reasons...

So - there you have it - the best way to make your kid the most popular Scout around the campfire - AND to reward you for slogging through my entire pizza post - I'll even do you one better!
Your witty retort today will enter you into a giveaway - I have in my hot little hands one additional pizza coupon - which I will send to a randomly selected commenter... I also have a small set of containers provided by Freschetta that are the perfect size for bringing some side dishes to complement your pizza lunch... these will also be given away!
For extra entries: 1- pop over to facebook and check out Freschetta's facebook page www.facebook.com/freschettapizza
And/Or
2-follow them on Twitter @freschettapizza
(just let me know what you did all in one comment though... I'll figure it out from there!)
If my coupon winner is in the US - I'll send them the coupon and containers... If they're international I'll send them just the coupon and choose a separate U.S. winner for the containers...
(Contest Ends when the month ends... make sure to leave contact info if I can't reach you through your blog profile!)
So - comment, be witty, make me laugh... and unless you think I already know - pop your country of origin into your comments somewhere :)

Stories of Hardship - and a Very Happy Easter Wish to all my Favorite Peeps.

2011-04-23T22:51:00.000-06:00

I'm kind of embarrassed to admit this - being a book blogger and all in my "spare time" - but I've never read the Little House on the Prairie books... true. No worries, though - I did watch the TV series... what kid in their right mind doesn't jump at the chance to sit in front of the television mindlessly after all? I can't say as I remember a LOT of the episodes... hmmm... Nellie was rotten to the core, Mrs Olsen had "the vapors", and Mary went blind... did I miss any? Oh yeah... the Christmas episode.

You know... the one where Mr Hairy Scary guy who looks like a big bear trudges around in the snow and nearly dies to bring the girls their Christmas Gifts from Santa...

a tin cup, a barley stick, and nickels...

Yeah - somehow I think it lacks the color and excitement we get in our house on most Christmas mornings when the wrapping paper alone costs far more than a barley stick.

But Laura and Mary were ecstatic about those tin cups and things... maybe not ecstatic - but ~~happy~~ ~~content~~... can we agree at least that they didn't complain within the earshot of Charles and Caroline?

Tales of hardship remind us of all we have - they make us grateful for the little things... and they are a wonderful tool of manipulation for parenting...

"Eat your Broccoli - there are starving children in Minneapolis"
"Put those shoes on right now and be grateful they're not 97% duct tape!"
"You'll eat that orange and enjoy it, you know great-grandma used to have to SHARE her oranges with her whole family and then content themselves with sniffing the peel for the next few months?"
"Run and catch the bus... for crying out loud I used to have to walk 2 miles to the bus stop. Uphill. Both Ways. In The Snow. Up to my Neck. At 6 a.m."

I worry about my kids...

We're by no means rich... but really - what tales of hardship will they have to frighten their kids with?

So we're doing something about it...

and years from now my children will look back on this Easter and tell their grandkids their tale of woe...

"When I was but a young'n I remember the Easter we woke up... we looked and looked through all the baskets, we searched high and low through the plastic eggs... but we didn't get a single Marshmallow Peep."

insert sound of chirping crickets... or maybe chirping chicks... whichever...

The Horror! Those great-grandchildren of mine will cower in terror whilst munching their peeps - and they will appreciate them gosh-darn!!!

*Disclaimer: seriously, who'da thunk they'd sell out of Peeps?

**Update: I think we're off the hook for the therapy bills... ManOfTheHouse has located some Peeps after all... but hey, I'd already written the blog post and I'm certainly not going to remove it just because of a few little issues with "accuracy" :)

***and a teensy little moment of being serious... I wish you and yours a happy and thoughtful Easter Holiday - may we all truly remember that it is about far more than colorful eggs and Marshmallow Peeps.

Teenagers in the House.

2011-04-20T02:02:00.001-06:00

This is a compensated post written by me on behalf of Walgreens. All opinions are 100% mine.

Apparently my secret is out. I have teenagers in my house.

and I was trying SO hard to keep this just between you, me, and the lamp-post. In hindsight calling one of them "veggie teen" might have been a giveaway...

You know what comes along with the teen years?

Zits.

yeah, we're going there... partly because I was given a lovely free sample of an anti-acne wash but mostly because zits are funny.

okay - yeah, they're not funny in and of themselves, but Zits is a funny word. zits zits zits zits zits... see, hilarious.

you know what ISN'T so funny? being of an age where some might say "pushing 40" and still getting zits. Wrinkles and zits... not a good combination - trust me on this one.

so - forget the teenagers - I just used this stuff myself.

Day one? not much difference...

Day two? is it possible that I actually am breaking out MORE?

Day three? ugh - yep - the classic North Star, good thing we're staying home today.

Day four? wait, are they already gone?

Day five? clear skin...

seriously... so I shared with Veggie Teen... who tells me that he's been using it religiously. He isn't allowing me to rub my hands all over his face to see how smooth it is (he's picky like that), but there is less redness... and a girl did call him on the phone... so obviously something is working!

Me? well, no girls are calling me still... but remember that painting project last week that left me with a smurfy hue? yeah - well, sometimes paint is a big pain to take off... and since this stuff was right next to the sink and the soap and water had already failed... ta-dah... okay, it was actually still a bit of a job, but it DID work better than the soap... who knew?

so - thanks to Walgreens for introducing me to yet another of their Walgreens Brand Health & Wellness Products that we can't do without (seriously guys - I think the pharmacist recognizes me now... is that bad?)

except mine is a guy... and he's usually greeting me with a box of allergy meds...

One last thing - Walgreens Way to Well Fund™ is a fairly new program that offers free preventive health screens in your community - every time I purchase one of the Walgreens Brand Health & Wellness Products I'm not only getting clean & saving $... I actually am helping out some other people as well. Win Win.

Hey, you can't blame me for wanting a few more bonus points in the hereafter... with skin this soft it's hard to be humble :)

Consider today's comment a signature on my petition that people of my slightly advanced years should not have to contend with Zits AND Wrinkles... there should be a law.

Random Thoughts on a Monday Morning

2011-04-18T10:12:00.002-06:00

Mondays:

All workouts performed before 7:00 a.m. should burn more calories - like time and a half holiday pay.

Except I want double... double calories burned before 7:00 a.m. - it only seems fair to me.

pretty much any workouts on Monday should get the same perk.

I was informed that today is National Velociraptor Awareness Day. Celebrate with Great abandon... and cupcakes...

I really could not make this stuff up!

But somebody apparently can... I can decide if it's because they are more witty than I am or just more desperate?

On that note - tomorrow is officially "Send a Small but Thoughtful Gift to your favorite Blogger whose name starts with T" day...

(no "T"he Pioneer Woman doesn't count... or "T"he Empress... focus people!!!)

This morning Po asked me what S.A. stood for... yeah, I was stumped too...

and then I figured it out and spelled it for him:
"E"
"S"
"S"
"A"
"Y"

and I am left to wonder where this major gap in his education happened.

because there's no way I'm taking the blame for this one.

That's 98% of why I don't homeschool... I need someone else to pass the blame off on. (his 2nd grade teacher can have this little bit... I don't even remember her name right now)

The other 2% of the reason? Naps.

I'm not ready for Easter.

Hey, I warned you this was Random... were you expecting cohesive thought?

Maybe you need to look up the definition for random?

If there is no Easter Bunny we are in some SERIOUS trouble folks.

Because this little guy is about all I've already purchased.

Did you know that marshmallow suckers don't hold up well in the heat?

I spoke last week at a writer's conference... mostly about blogging and twitter...

because I'm kinda awesome like that.

Stop laughing!

I actually think I managed to SOUND smarter than I FELT!

seriously... the laughing is a little rude guys!!!

I dressed very professionally in a nice wrap-around skirt with leggings underneath.

Which probably didn't look so professional when it came untied while I was loading the car to leave.

(okay fine... you can laugh now)

I heard a lot of snickering from the pool users behind me... even though I was FAR more dressed than they were!

and... a final random thought of the day...

when your kids are playing "King of the Mountain" inside your house...

it might be time to fold the laundry.

I forgot to show you my picture of Justin Bieber's biggest fans?

2011-04-13T08:06:00.001-06:00

sometimes teenagers worry me because they're SO worried about what others think.

and other times they amaze me because they could care less what others think.

this was one of those times.

forgive the quality - it's a cell phone pic...

"biggest" in this case meaning only that they're past elementary school - now to be honest - as far as I know none of VeggieTeen's friends actually listen to the Bieb's music... but who'd give up a chance to hang with him at the movie premiere? (premiere in this case meaning the first-ish showing at our local cineplex)

the painting projects revealed...

2011-04-08T09:13:00.000-06:00

blue... which was really just a repeat of what was already on the wall before we had to tear out the entire wall and ceiling to have a little "work" done.

"work" in this case meaning hiring one guy to come and spray every square inch of the place for little nasty bugs that are trying to eat my walls. Yeah - those bugs. It's been a source of great stress - but somehow admitting to having termites is just like telling people my kids have lice. Which... well, I've done that too... after a month... because that's how long it took for me to find the funny side of lice. Do I have any pride left? No, probably not - and we're probably still a good few months away from finding the funny side of termites... mostly because lice only set me back about $100... termites, well, let's just say it was a little pricier...

Guess who's NOT going to Disneyland this summer? :) (what the what is that smilie for... hey, this isn't funny - I'm not ready to move on to the acceptance and laughing about it part of this... really) - although let's be honest, seeing the gang from Bug's Life - as big as life... might not be so good for me right now...

on the plus side - all my books ARE put away. and woe be to the child who puts them away in the wrong order...

as a matter of fact I can spot a series out of order in that picture... I might have to go fix that before posting...

But wait... that's not all!

No, I'm not selling Ginsu knives. I painted MORE than one room... you just didn't get to see the smudges of this color on my skin.

mostly because by the time I was done with that funky aged leather effect on the wall - the stuff left on my hands was all one nasty sickly baby poo color...

and apparently I have just enough pride to not be showing THAT to the world.

but just barely.

Leading the way...

2011-04-06T08:55:00.002-06:00

so...

I think if I did a quick read of all my blog posts over the past 3 years I'd find that at least 57% of them began with "so...".

I don't think I SAY it that often though...

of course, that's not the point of today's post...

moving on.

Once upon a time I was called to work with the young children at my church - "leading" the singing time...

While I DID have one smart-alec little kid once ask me why I wasn't waving my arms the truth of the matter is that's hardly a necessity when your audience is primarily concerned with whether or not they get to help you hold up a picture today... or toss the die that tells them whether or not they are singing in their drill sergeant voice or their baby voice. Trust me... they weren't watching for whether or not I waved my arm... they were usually FAR more interested in whether or not I tripped over a 4 year old in the front row. (happened more than once)

for a little over a year I managed to avoid swinging my arm to the beat...

do I "know" how to lead music?

well, yeah... sure I do... in concept. In concept it's as easy as counting to 4... or 3... or 6... right?

In reality? It's a little like driving a stick shift - there's just a lot going on at the same time... I have issues with physically multi-tasking... can't cook more than one item at a time (unless "blackened" is a flavor choice), can't walk and chew gum, can't drive and change the radio station (ummm, really, that's a bad idea for any of us probably), and I can't sing and wave my arm at the same time.

I CAN rub my belly and pat my head - go figure. That's never come up as a church calling somehow...

So... they gave up on me and eventually got somebody in there who can entertain the kids AND wave her arms. She's amazing like that.

and me? well, I was recently asked to work with the teenaged girls at church - the Young Women... and I couldn't be more excited.

okay, maybe a LITTLE more excited... y'know... if by "camping" they meant "day-spa and retreat"

but they don't...

so I think I'm going to be looking into a good cushioned pad...

wait, who am I kidding - ManOfTheHouse owns enough camping gear to outfit a small army - I'll just raid his closet.

In the meantime - for my debut activity I get to teach the girls a skill tonight.

Leading Music.

No, I'm NOT kidding, you can stop laughing now.

how's this for a lesson?

Rule #1 of Leading the Music: Lift weights daily to avoid that underarm flab...

it tends to throw off the congregation as they're not sure which beat to pay more attention to.

Rule #2 of Leading the Music: Or wear a long sleeved shirt.

Rule #3 of Leading the Music: Really, who's watching you anyway... (unless that flab is REALLY entertaining...)

Hmmm.... maybe I should re-think this... unless I'm bucking to get kicked out of YW before camp hits :)

man do we know how to par-tay or what?

2011-04-05T09:08:00.000-06:00

so... I'm supposed to be telling all about my lovely blog for this "Ultimate Blog Party" thing...

Like - who am I?
what am I doing here?
where am I going?

oh wait... maybe those weren't the questions?

let's just party...

Look - I even bought presents! Oh, don't tell sweet M, she thinks it was all about her!

but seriously - what kind of a good mother would purchase dolls with accessories this size for a child? (in my own defense - she just turned Seven... and has never actually swallowed any non-food item. Shoot, we barely get her to swallow FOOD items aside from Tacos or Mac 'n Cheese)

speaking of food... I made an incredibly special meal for the occasion (haha - obviously not a cooking blog you've happened upon here folks!)

we even made a cake - she helped! I love this age - simple meal... simple cake... simple party... I know, they get older... and more demanding... (Sometimes I would deem this a cake decor blog... but not today... check out the disco cake from 2 weeks ago, that was much more detailed)

and because it's a "par-tay" we had friends over to watch a movie... (shhh... again, sweet M thinks they were celebrating something else... and you might find a movie review here once in a blue moon... "might" - book reviews I do all the time... but there's a separate blog for that)

and then the weekend hit... and my partying spirit went out the window - time to spruce up the house! I spent about 12 hours with a paintbrush in hand on Saturday... no joke. Our church conferences were televised this weekend and I enjoyed listening while I painted.

One problem with this? The touching moments... it is REALLY a bad idea to be painting and wipe away a tear...

I was a mess - I looked pretty nasty when my daughter came to remind me that her soccer game was soon. Luckily ManOfTheHouse was closer to done and ran the 3 soccer players to the field while I scrubbed my hands, face and arms... and pulled my blue streaked hair into a quick ponytail. I figured it was very trendy and I'd get cool points from the kids.

Umm... I missed a spot.

actually I missed a few spots - but H started to move away from me in horror when I exposed the bottoms of my feet in all their rainbow colored glory. There go the "cool points" right out the window.

and - even though this is SO not a decor blog - you will likely be subjected to my cool new "library" (a.k.a. - the place where I shove all the books in the house) and the new "guest room" (a.k.a. - the curtained off area with a bed that my boys now think they should be able to call their own.

(big bash blog party - okay that's not what it's called - is being sponsored by 5minutesformom.com... which is probably why I felt it was okay to participate even though 5 minutes is about all the time I've got this week... today? gotta finish putting all the books back on shelves. Yesterday I thought I was done - but then found a pile in the laundry room. Sometimes it's just best not to ask "why" around my house.

In honor of Fool's Day...

2011-04-01T08:56:00.000-06:00

I cannot tell you anything today... you won't believe ANY of it after all...

I could be pregnant, dying, or choking on a chicken bone and you'd just leave a comment like "haha T - I'm not falling for that one"

good thing I'm not pregnant or choking. Dying? aren't we all?

Best joke I've seen so far today?

This Sign.

(okay, so not THIS sign, but a bright yellow one... you get the point)

On EVERY door at the High School.

The Veggie-Teen was thrown for just a minute before getting out of the car and walking straight through the nearest door.

A Rose by any Other Name...

2011-03-30T08:16:00.000-06:00

Okay - FIRST - if you haven't submitted a smoothie recipe to the e-mail listed in the prior post - go do that... and since 99% of you haven't I should start to see tons rolling in... and yes - I'm sending mine today too, so join the "I was a slacker but I'm getting with the program" club today!

Now the post: which was admittedly brought on by my inability to address the birthday invitations for Little M's birthday party... too many ways to spell/misspell her friends' names... so in advance, I will apologize to Hailey/Hailli/Haley for messing up.

Once upon a time I was young... a mere teen with my maiden name intact - but my first name has always been the same... I hear it works that way for most of us -

on the particular day in question I had gone to church and met my new teacher... she'd just moved into our area and she didn't know any of us rowdy kids... thus the invitations around the room...

Teach: and your name is?
Adrian: Adrian.
Teach: hi Adrian - nice to meet you... and you?
Lara: Lara.
Teach: Good to have you here Lara... and your name?
Me: Tonya
Teach: oh, I named my daughter Tonya - but then we decided we didn't like the name so we changed it to Tawny.
Me: silence...

I mean... what are you SUPPOSED to say when someone tells you they are willing to pay good money to not have to say your name? (I tried to find out how much "good money" equals... but online estimates are anywhere from $10 to $250...) I said... well, okay - let's be honest I have NO idea what I said... I wasn't nearly as snarky back then.

Today? okay, so today I still have no comeback... you can leave your best one in comments.

but names in general are a funny thing... and the spelling of such names can be even funnier...

Is it a form of child abuse to name your daughter something pretty reasonable like "Sierra" and then spell it "Ciarrah" just to be "unique"... because you know that will haunt her for life?

Don't get me wrong - I love unique names... there's not a Sam or Mary amongst my children... but with all the unique spellings out there for names... I start to wonder where it will end.

Tonya for example.

Tanya - I know, there are Tanyas out there galore... some of whom pronounce their name just like mine... I can deal with that...

Tonia - yeah, this one doesn't irk me either... if I get letters with this spelling I'm a little confused, because it doesn't seem like the MOST common spelling - but it IS pretty - and would certainly be my choice if I ever decided to change mine... (for between $10 and $250)

Tania- ...
Tanja- ...
Tonja- (okay that one's starting to irk me...)

but the end all be all "I can't believe somebody worked THIS hard to spell my name wrong" was the letter that came one day addressed to:

Tawnjia.

no joke.

Of course, this is a little strange for ME to be annoyed by this... considering I wanted a dog when I was little - and I wanted to name him Phydough.

Moms Don't Get Sick Days

2011-03-26T07:44:00.000-06:00

at least that's what I've heard... but I was willing to buck conventional wisdom and give it a try anyway.

I must not be completely recovered because the first time I typed the previous sentence it said Confectional Wisdom... which sounds tastier... but certainly less wise.

If I commented on your blog yesterday - please ignore anything written in my ick-induced stupor. Unless it was witty and wise - in which case it was totally me.

I think I do my best work when I'm not 100%.

Like the time I was directing "The Good Doctor" by Neil Simon...

My dress rehearsal was scheduled for the same day as my wisdom teeth removal.

I may have announced to an entire room that my legs were growing...

I may have fallen into the orchestra pit... that part is hazy.

and I may have made a few changes in the show.

They were ALL hilarious... at the time.

Two nights later at the opening? Okay, still hilarious.

Good thing my actors were such good sports!

I'm going to ask a favor now... and because you feel in a generous mood you're going to comply.

Especially since it's totally free.

#1 - Find your very favorite Smoothie recipe... c'mon... everyone has one right? (and the smoother the better... you'll see why in a second)

#2 - open up your e-mail and pop in this address for my Sister-In-Law... the food blogger one... and send her the recipe. If you have a picture - include it... If you don't have a picture... do what I do and draw one!

#3 - if you draw your picture it doesn't necessarily have to be of the Smoothie... Might I suggest something like this?

That's right - we're collecting recipes for a bloggy friend Devri whose daughter had a little bully run-in and will be eating only Smoothies for a little while... and by little run-in I mean horrible terrible experience resulting in a broken jaw (see, these have got to be SMOOTH smoothies) and some serious hospital time. I don't know what this world is coming to... it's a good thing that there are good stories out there to counter my cynical "world going to heck in a hand-basket" attitude sometimes.

#4 - if you actually have a smoothie picture - include a nice little note for this 12 year old - who is really a tough little cookie going through a rough time! And her Mom? Yeah - there's a lady who could use a sick day right about now... but she's not slowing down :) Maybe two notes would be in order :)

#5 - leave a comment here telling me a good story to counteract my attitude :)

Recipes will be posted at Taste Buds Are The Best Buds soon... which is my go-to food blog of choice, not just because it's my Sister in Law... but because I might actually MAKE the things I see rather than just coveting the ability to make them...

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - Consumer Protection

2011-03-23T08:51:00.000-06:00

maybe, just maybe we've gone a little too far...

When the "do not remove" tag is larger than the pillow... I think we have a problem.

for reference, that couch is not quite as wide as my credit card... we're talking too small for a Polly Pocket to relax on...

but what a relief that the consumer protection agency people are looking out for my daughter's safety.

What I did over Spring Break - by TisforTonya

2011-03-22T08:08:00.001-06:00

the band

the keyboard guru

the appreciative (but sound sensitive) audience

the disco cake

the cousins (and look, it's Megz!)

the birthday girl

add to that a few incidences of getting completely lost in IKEA - many hours of driving - eating some pizza - eating some scraps of the FIRST cake I made (oops), and maybe just a teensy little bit of stress...

who me? stress? I know, you're shocked.

the band did great by the way - they didn't place - but they totally should have. That's my professional unbiased opinion at least.

speaking of professional unbiased opinions - Todd Nuke'em from X96 was the Emcee for the night and I think I saw his jaw drop off his face when Veggie Teen tore up the keyboard. I certainly heard him say some words of amazement regarding the keys being on fire... but I might have been too busy hooting and hollering at that point to be able to quote him directly! A huge shout out of thanks to Megz for Sher for joining us for the fun - auntie Megz even got up there in the stage crowd and encouraged Veggie Teen to do a fist-pump or two... ish.

and a truly well-written 5 paragraph essay about my weekend adventures would conclude here with what I learned from the experience and how I'm so glad we did it all... in all honesty - I'm sure I learned something, and I'm certainly glad we did it... but I'm just SO tired that the wrap-up paragraph might have to wait... I think some of my motivation got left behind in IKEA... somewhere between housewares and the 5 square mile display of shelving.

The Whole Is Greater Than A Sum of Its Parts

2011-03-18T09:00:00.018-06:00

Am I getting philosophical on you? I mean... this IS the consummate Gestalt philosophy is it not? Ummm, yeah - I'm not really sure on that one either... let's just assume that I'm right and move on from there.

I'm slowly realizing that as parents we give our children a few things.

no, not roots and wings... that's not philosophical, that's just cross-stitch-able.

what we give them differs depending on the parents...

I've ranted and raved about how ManOfTheHouse and I have managed to "give" them our worst qualities... his crooked teeth, my rotten eyesight, etc... but apparently we've given our kids a few things that might even be "positive qualities".

take Veggie Teen for instance.

Rotten, crooked teeth. Asthma. Stubborn to a fault. Tendency toward snarkiness at the most inappropriate of times. Don't forget avoids chores like the plague... we passed all of these on to him. We're not proud of this, just accepting our part in the disaster of DNA.

He is also a lover of music, brighter than average, tenacious (nicer word for stubborn), and curious. These traits - why yes, we're rather proud of passing on these... I will take the credit for "brighter than average" - ManOfTheHouse can have "tenacious"... no wait, yeah - that's probably me too... I'll let M.O.T.H. claim "handsome" - because while I'm sure that was a compliment in the 1800's, today... not so much.

Fortunately for us (well, and for him) the resultant person that Veggie Teen is fast becoming... IS much greater than the sum of what went into him. He makes good choices in friends (well, most of the time), he is a pretty decent brother (hey, that can be tough at times) and the modicum of musical talent that we as parents gave to him... he RAN with.

I am constantly amazed when the boy sits down with a guitar or at the piano - and within the hour he has learned a new song, or composed something of his very own... He has a gift.

As you read this I am likely up North helping him prepare to show off his gift at the Battle of the Bands. This proud Mama would like to think that her part in this contributed sum-thing to the whole... but the truth is - these boys (the whole band) has worked their fingers to the bone (okay, not really... that's just gross... and makes it difficult to strum the guitar). All gifted musicians here... the bass player? Learned the instrument just to help out the group - and he rocks it. The vocalist? Also plays a mean harmonica - no joke! Guitarist? Rocks. The Drummer? Out of this world... and I think that's a direct quote from the judging sheet :) Keyboards? oh, well, I've probably bragged on my kid enough...

So, before the sound checks are done, before the songs are judged, before the results are in...

I want to be the first to give them my standing ovation - Way to Go Guys!!!

and yes... you (family and friends... and anyone really) ARE invited to the big show - Jordan High School in Sandy (on Beetdigger Blvd, hehe) - 7-9:30 - Saturday March 19th... everyone who's everyone will be there... okay, so I will be there, and... ummm... some family... and a whole boatload of other people. I mean... really, what ELSE are you doing with your Saturday Night?

I'd ask you to say a little prayer for them to do their best... but even I am having a hard time keeping a straight face during those prayers... given that their band is named "The Aliens from Planet Rock"... yeah, I have a brother-in-law who could do that with a straight face... but not I said the little red hen.

and yes... just so it's clear - this TOTALLY counts as his birthday tribute... same goes for those shoes I bought him for the performance. Just sayin...

custom license plates... how I really feel.

2011-03-16T08:17:00.002-06:00

I'm sure you've seen them. I mean, who doesn't just want to smile when a little sporty red car pulls in front of them with the plate "DADDYSGIRL"... especially when poor Daddy is the one driving the car.

If I were to customize my own plates I have no idea what I'd put on them... mostly because "LIKELYTOSHOOTDIRTYLOOKSIFYOUCUTMEOFF" doesn't fit.

Apparently I need to put some more thought into choosing my imaginary custom plates.

Apparently so do some other drivers.

Case in point... I mean, does this mean "Liberation" or "Liberating"? either way - you were in front of me in traffic and going a full ten miles under the speed limit. not very liberating at all...(though I'm sure you are a very nice person and conscientious driver - & I was probably a horrible example to the children of earth by wanting to drive faster)

I think perhaps there needs to be a quick driving test for any custom plate orders in the future... because obviously the people at the DMV have LOTS of spare time... I mean, those lines just go so quickly... *ahem*

DMV Counter Dude: I see you'd like a custom plate sir... and you'd like it to say "SPDEMON" what's that supposed to say... spiderman?
Guy Who Has Gotten Older Waiting In Line: I was going for "speed demon"...
DMV C.D.: oh yeah... okay, I can see that... okay - well we have a little test for you, just step this way.
G.W.H.G.O.W.I.L.: a test? Ummm... I didn't study
DMV C.D.: psh, nothing to worry about, just drive our little test car around the test track and we'll be on our way.
G.W.H.G.O.W.I.L.: okay, I can do that.

and he does, very carefully following the laws of the road, because after all, these people look like they'd enjoy shredding his Driver's License into confetti for their next office party.

DMV C.D.: Very well done... let's see (tallying all the points)... it looks like you don't actually qualify for the Speed Demon plate... according to your numbers here I can only offer you this one here...

G.W.H.G.O.W.I.L.: ummm... maybe I'll just take my chances with a regular plate after all
DMV C.D.: Of course sir, that's entirely up to you - just take a number and wait in line, we'll be right with you.

images created at www.acme.com

Why I don't have a cooking blog - how NOT to make a Pie Cake

2011-03-15T09:05:00.002-06:00

Yesterday the geeks of the world celebrated Pi Day... you know, that whole 3.14 blah blah blah jazz...

Normally, I wouldn't call myself a geek (because normally other people would beat me to the punch) but when if we're handing out PIE? Yeah, I'll wear a neon flashing geek sign if I can have a big enough slice.

And - because we like to spend obscure holidays giving birth in our family... Pi Day also happens to be W's birthday.

To celebrate - he ate a burger the size of his head.

When he ordered the very nice waitress looked him up and down and asked whether or not he thought he could finish it. Since she'd just given him a kiddie menu and offended his newly 14 year old ego I'm pretty sure he took that as a challenge.

at this point the kids are chanting "Man Vs Food"

In a bizarre blending of the two holidays we settled on a Pie Cake... there are a LOT of ways to accomplish this - some very cute in fact... but since W LOVES chocolate cake and prefers actual pie crust to Fondant... we decided to go the "simple" route.

You know, bake a chocolate cake, ice it, and cover it with a real honest to goodness pie crust. Made from scratch (Ahem, *cough*... okay, Jiffy mix... I was in a hurry)

Unfortunately...

yeah, we're blaming all that cracking on the candles... and pretending that I didn't stick all the candles in the already busted up crust hoping people would buy that excuse. We're also learning that in order to make a crust and move it onto a cake you should probably grease and flour the plate a little more thoroughly.

I will say however, that it was reportedly delicious... I myself had a slice of Strawberry Rhubarb at the restaurant... chocolate just isn't my thing.

Next birthdays: First Day of Spring, April Fools' Eve (yes, we have to call it that), and Earth Day... see, we like the obscure holidays a LOT

One of these things is NOT like the other...

2011-03-10T09:28:00.000-07:00

If you live near enough to hear the frustration that issues from my open windows - you will already know this...

You might also be privy to this information if you follow me on Twitter... because I'm hardly quiet about things there :)

Our family has contracted a nasty virus... for a week it seemed that everyone had a cold... and since I can't say as I'm a "fan" of mucus you will imagine the irritation I might feel when I walk from room to room in my home finding wadded up bits of tissue here and there (usually "here" meaning 1/2 an inch from the trash can and "there" meaning tucked under the pillows of the couch) Ick. During week one it seemed that we all had the same version of the Virus and thus we'd be done and over it.

And then week two hit... and I wonder why my kids can't just do ANYTHING alike? Ear Infection? check. (that was H's job) Hacking Cough? double check. (Veggie Teen and little M decided to team up) High Fever? got it. (M and H) Visits to the doctor? yep. Stomach Flu? yeah, that too... unfortunately...

I'm pretty sure that illness will go on my list of things that are never the same twice!

Other things on that list?

Lightning Strikes
Snowflakes
Pregnancy Cravings
How ManOfTheHouse loads the dishwasher... which frankly, I won't criticize - because the bit about him loading the dishwasher??? yeah, downright amazing in its own right... I've got a keeper :) (and yes, that last bit was added just to keep him happy)

Toss the Dice Tuesday

2011-03-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

well, to be perfectly honest I stayed up late last night because I had a hilarious post in mind...and it fell on its face. crashed and burned...

I'm blaming it on my computer.
Because blaming it on the computer is a LOT easier on my ego than admitting that I just should have been more careful...
See, ego intact - I'm still awesome.
Awesome isn't all that funny by itself.

So I tossed my Blogger Blocks - and they would like for me to tell you a little story about the Veggie Teen and his worst Church experience... with a drawing. Fortunately for you - I think we're all sick of my drawings this week.

So I'm using a picture instead... if you want the source of said picture - I think you can click on it... suffice it to say that it isn't mine...

Remember that movie?
More importantly - remember the song?
Which song you ask?
Really?
According to my kids that movie had ONE memorable song.
Everybody Wants to be a Cat.
Because... a cat's the only cat...
and all that Jazz.
When Veggie Teen was a little tyke.
REALLY little tyke.
Like... seriously we're talking Toddler-hood...
he LOVED this song.
He would sit in his highchair and pretend to pound the piano keys and sing this song at the top of his little lungs - and we should have known then that there was musical ability in the kid because he hit all the right notes.
No, not the notes on the highchair tray... with his voice.
We were probably smart to delay purchase of an actual piano until he stopped feeding himself with his hands and picking his nose!

We thought this little trick of his was really cute.
Until...
Church.
In each pew there are hymnbooks - kept in a teeny little box attached to the pew in front. Apparently sometimes people are annoyed by the noise the hymnbooks make when they drop into this little box. One such easily annoyed individual took it upon themselves to cut a thin little carpet strip to line each little box - thereby dampening this "clunk" and preserving the Spirit for all.
Of course - they never foresaw the possibility that a small child could pull out the carpet strip and magically transform it into a piano keyboard in his mind.
Pounding away.
And singing.
Quite Loudly.
During the Sacrament prayer. (if that confuses you - please just know that this is the most quiet and reverent part of our Sunday Service.)

As a new parent - perhaps we had not quite developed the super human speed necessary to stop him quickly.
I'm pretty sure he was well into the second verse before we managed to get to the Foyer.

Somehow I'm pretty sure that none of the members of that congregation would be shocked that this same boy is scheduled to be pounding the keys at Battle of the Bands later this Month...

Don't worry - they're not going with "Everybody Wants to Be a Cat"...

although I'm pretty sure they'd ROCK it!

Strange Sightings...

2011-03-05T09:22:00.000-07:00

I have been driving a LOT these past few days... there's something about Spring that just makes you want to get out and enjoy the fresh air...

there's a lot of fresh air on the way to soccer practice... or museum meetings... even more fresh air on the way to teacher conferences and birthday parties...

there is however NO fresh air at the tire place where it will inevitably take FOREVER for them to rotate your tires... so you will have to get a little fresh air while walking to a nearby department store... but THAT is a story for another day... mostly because I have yet to let ManOfTheHouse in on all of my little purchases at said department store...

Today's little story is about chickens and monkeys... You see - a new local business was advertising at a major intersection in town. Namely the intersection that connects my house to the main road... the main road that I needed to go on to get to the school, the tire store, band practice, the birthday parties, and the soccer practices.

(oh, sorry, I paused there for a sec... just double checking that I remembered to pick up all the kids I dropped off... phew, that would have been embarrassing as it's currently 11:30 p.m.)

Anywho - now that you're all debating which protective agency to turn me over to let's get back to our story... I think I drove through this intersection at least 10 times today... each time noticing the very energetic man holding a LARGE sign and dancing around in his chicken suit advertising for a new Online Deal website... by the third or fourth time through the intersection I actually took the time to notice the website... by the fifth or sixth time through the intersection I noticed his counterpart across the street... a slightly less energetic but equally large sign-holding friend... the ape. You might worry about my driving skills since I didn't see an APE on the side of the road earlier than this... but really... from an advertising standpoint - if you want to be noticed... go with the chicken. Every. Time.

The final trip through this intersection (on a mad dash to the store to find a gift for a 14 year old girl...) netted me a sight worthy of many MANY pictures... Unfortunately all I had with me was a camera phone with a full memory.

Yes, there are probably at least 10 pictures of the inside of my pocket. Dumb Phone.

But - fear not - I have re-created the scene in all its glory just for you...

you're welcome.

and yes, for the record, by this time Monkey man had removed his mask... allowing me to see the chagrin on his face AND making it a LOT easier to draw.

Were they really doing anything wrong? Were they being charged with Indecent Exposure because the animals had no clothing? Did they simply have to call their boss and show a business permit? I REALLY want to know the rest of the story behind this... REALLY... and so I will be stalking their new website (and maybe picking up a few deals along the way...) and I'll be sure to get back to you with any further developments!

A nearly Wordless Wednesday a.k.a. an excuse for random pictures...

2011-03-02T08:40:00.000-07:00

In honor of Dr. Seuss Day - I present, green egg and ham sandwich

yes... I know, I might make mom of the year someday if I keep this up...

to prove what a terrible influence I am on the children around me I present a picture taken last night at a church activity.

so... it wasn't actually an activity about folding paper airplanes out of gum wrappers of making cranes out of napkins... wisely we had chosen a table in the back corner...

of course, I'm pretty sure the mother of my crane-folding photo-taking friend might never let me sit with them again... and I'm SURE the words "enabling immature behavior" were definitely uttered....

maybe by me :)

2011-02-28T08:31:00.001-07:00

We live where it's nice and warm...

but within a quick drive of places that need this kind of warning signs...


"Snowboarding, sledding, skiing, tubing or other "downhill" activities are prohibited in this park.	"

This is what is known in legal terms as a "cover your bum clause"
Of course - being the law abiding citizens we are we follow such warnings.

see - they're going UPhill... not down...

early in the trip - M a big helper

that's not downhill...

Later in the trip - W has to lend a hand

Photographic evidence would suggest that we just kept going up that hill all afternoon. Because we're obedient like that.

Even later still... umm, lazy M!

there's not even a hill in this one!

and finally:

how'd that get in there? I think we're technically still safe, because the "down" part of this experience consisted mainly of falling "down" on his heinie... and the evidence is as plain as the nose on your face... or in this case... the snows on his carcass.

who is now going to go turn on the space heater and be grateful for the relative warmth of the day. Just looking at these pictures makes me cold!

Blogger's Block-s ?

2011-02-25T09:00:00.001-07:00

have writer's block? Have I got the blocks for you!

okay - so these are not really for you... because they're customized for me :) You can make your own :)

Die 1: I've listed the people I most often blog about - ManOfTheHouse, The Veggie Teen, W, Po, H and M...
Die 2: I've listed a few ways to present the information - Prose, Photos, Drawings, Vlog, List, and Poetry...
Die 3: I've listed a few basic words that will hopefully trigger a memory - Saying, Style, Music, Sports, School and church...
Die 4: A few more triggers... First, Latest, Worst, Best, Funniest, and Most Touching.

I'm not lying, I might not be above weighting the dice a little... because I'm not quite ready to do a Vlog... and you might not be ready for much in the way of my poetry efforts :)

but I'll give it a shot

so, this is what I rolled...

ummm... okay, maybe this isn't so easy after all...

I've gotta write a post - including drawings - to tell you about W's most touching saying?

OH! okay... hang on...

working... working... working...

Disclaimer: While I don't claim to be an artist of any sort - my real life pencil drawings ARE of a higher quality (or at least recognizability) than these... (and no... recognizability isn't a word... so sue me)

Mustard (I had to label it... otherwise it looked like a traffic cone on a barrel... or a bottle of glue....)

Mother (and yes, I DID spend more time on this than the others... I'm vain like that)

Monster - Oooooh, scary - even with his cauliflower hands... hey, drawing with a mouse isn't easy people!

You see, when W was but a wee little lad he had an "accent"... surprisingly NOT an Irish accent despite the "wee little lad" bit... it is best described as a cockney accent - but his speech therapist had a more technical term for it... basically it amounted to all of the above words sounding exactly the same... "mu-er" It was cute and sweet... but yeah... nearly everything he said was difficult to understand... we managed to let him believe it was Mom's bad ears until he was in public school...

but THAT part of the story isn't touching at all... unless by "touching" you mean how badly I wanted to beat his Kindergarten teacher for making him feel like an idiot....

experiment "FAIL"

2011-02-23T08:36:00.001-07:00

You may or may not have noticed - but I recently turned off the word verification requirement for my comments...

Bad News: those of you who reveled in that 4 seconds I saved you per comment - it's going back on.

Good News: SEO (search engine optimization) really works.

As a matter of fact I've found out that Asian Dating Websites LOVE to leave links on past posts written by ManOfTheHouse about the gorgeous views on his latest hike. Russians too... they love this post abroad... of course, I have no idea what they've SAID about it...

Online Pharmacies and Software Utility companies think that my post about how to cut my hair (written years ago... I'm not cutting it again) is so amazing that they want to add their two cents (and their 50 links) and I quote. "Well-mannered afternoon, tons thanks in the interest putting up and developing such a wonderful resource" They love me, they really love me! (now if they just spoke English...)

iPhone advertisers and the Dixon Pencil Spambots were both attracted to my fastest blog post ever... glad it made them laugh too...

Online Casinos would love to reach the same readers that find my post about the purchase of a new Jacuzzi brand toilet...

and... well... even I am not sure about some of those links and where they lead... let's just assume they're nice wholesome links to nice wholesome businesses - despite the URLs... but hey - they liked my post about my car being attacked by Hitchcock inspired birds.

The Cheat Code people liked that one too...

and no... that's not all of them, but suffice it to say I'm sick of having to delete as many comments as I keep...

So - my apologies to those of you who are troubled by popping in those extra few letters when commenting - I'll make it up to you... you are allowed to leave off exactly that many letters from your comment. (Example - WV: uwjvy, Your Comment: This is Hila.....) You're Welcome.

More Good News - the word verifier occasionally makes for interesting conversations... I seriously once had one that said "ditto"... which probably would have been funny to comment on, except that then my comment would have read something like this: "ditto - haha, can you believe the WV came up with that one for me?" instead of "I'm really sorry to hear about losing your job, and your grandfather, and your keys - hope things turn up for you!"

a "Mommy Blogger" moment

2011-02-18T08:30:00.001-07:00

I'm a Blogger

and...

I'm a Mom...

I suppose that makes me a "Mommy Blogger" - and since I'm allowing myself to own that title I guess I should occasionally write about my family? You know... those kids who are ~~shorter~~ younger than me and live in this house.

The youngest of the kids cracks me up lately... she's finally accepted that her bangs are there to stay and we no longer have to hide the scissors. Of course, her hair is still pretty high maintenance - but that's okay because we have a lot of interesting conversations while straightening her hair... For example:
M: Mom - why can't I say the F word?
T: Umm, well sweetie - it's not a very nice word...
M: but Mom, the COUSINS can say the F word so why can't I?
T: BIG non-verbal response including widening of the eyes and a note to self to e-mail all aunts immediately and ask which of them was corrupting my sweet, innocent children.
M: They ALL say the F word Mom.
T: (finally catching on) Ummm, sweetie, what F word are we talking about?
M: you know... like "toot".

Oh THAT F word... (rhymes with Heart... and Art...) well, frankly my friends it's just not a pretty word, and I don't know WHY it bothers me so much... I just can't stand when it comes out of sweet innocent little mouths - but I suppose I like that better than when it comes out of sweet innocent behinds.

speaking of smells...

well, okay - actually we WEREN'T speaking of smells...

You see I was SEWING... inspired by Serene's patched jeans I decided that there was a little wear left in M's jeans and I needed to be a little more frugal... besides, hopefully soon she'll GROW and we can just toss these right??? M was pretty impressed with my sewing skills...

they ARE pretty cute... and nice soft flannel inside so they won't itch :)

M: You sew good
T: Thanks, and you give me lots of things to sew - so we make a good team.
M: Grandma sews good too.
T: Well Grandma sews better than me probably.
M: (thinking a little, but seeing my logic) Yep! Grandma sews better than you
H: (who was all the way across the room and might need her hearing checked) M, that's not very nice! Mom only doesn't smell good because she just got done working out! You probably hurt Mom's feelings!
T&M: exchange of confused looks - then raucous laughter.

and then I showered... just in case.

OH! speaking of showers... (oh boy - I need to work on my segues) I went to a bridal shower the other day.

A friend of mine had made mini layer cakes out of rice krispie treats... they were adorable... M didn't care about adorable, she just wanted to eat them NOW.
M: When can I eat that?
ManOfTheHouse: We weren't going to eat those - we just thought we'd look at it for awhile
M: Noooo, I want to eat it!
M.O.T.H.: Well, maybe you can have some of it
M: I want the top piece
M.O.T.H.: Okay, you can have it when you get married.
M: (with the lower lip protruding dangerously) but, but... that'll be DAYS!

maybe more than just a few of them... since she's Six...

She took the top tier for her lunch treat the next day... we decided not to make her wait - and I just have to wonder... Really? everyone knows the top tier is the smallest!?!?!

Nearly Wordless Wednesday - What Kind of Town Do I Live In?

2011-02-16T08:49:00.001-07:00

a few - no, make that "several" - miles from my house:

seriously.

What makes YOUR town/city/villa unique?

-TisforTonya

and before Tauna (my favorite frozen blogger) gets a chance to say it... Yes, I DO know why your town doesn't need this sign... but really, is "urinecicles" a word?

On this Day in History - 14th of February

2011-02-14T08:32:00.001-07:00

Call me a romantic.

Yeah, go ahead - but quickly - it might be the first and last time you think that.

Some days (Sundays mostly) my kids are looking for things to do... recently we've done card games... which quickly deteriorates into card houses... which quickly takes a bad turn when a sibling-who-shall-not-be-named turns on the fan.

yes, they cheat with the lego boards between levels... don't judge.

Needless to say we were in need of something different. Don't ask me how it happened because I can't tell you (okay, I CAN... but it's convoluted and boring) but we ended up looking up everyone's birth dates on Wikipedia and seeing who we shared our special days with... Trust me... LOTS of fun...

Warning: be sure an adult is the one reading aloud from the Wikipedia page... because the younger ones may innocently ask if a "porn star" is anything like a "shooting star"... to which the answer, regrettably, is no. The former will not under any circumstances burn up in the atmosphere before causing harm

Actresses (and actors) of questionable moral character aside - the kids enjoyed this activity immensely - comparing who shared a birthday with the most kings... seeing who shared talents with their famous cake counterparts... and trying to outdo each other with the coolest "connections"... I'm pretty sure that in the end the kids agreed that while Popes and Kings were all well and good... and Einstein WAS pretty cool... Fred Rogers just couldn't be beat.

Cool Segue into Valentine's Day... because that's the date we looked up next... you know, that day devoted to paper hearts, chocolate candies, overpriced flowers and gluttonous sugar consumption.

okay, technically those were our new year's treats... add some pink and you get the gist.

a brief overview of Valentines Days in the Past:

1349 - About 2,000 killed - mostly burned to death - in Strasbourg
1929 - Seven murdered in Chicago... later to be known as the St. Valentine's Massacre
1945 - World War II: a mistaken bombing of Prague... "oops, wrong place guys... my bad"
1948 - Teller (of Penn and Teller) born... damage yet to be determined.
1981 - A nightclub fire in Dublin kills 48.
1990 - 92 people are killed while their plane attempts a landing in India.
1996 - Chinese rocket goes astray - crashing into a small village shortly after liftoff (6 killed, 57 injured)
1998 -Oil tanker/Freight train collission and a dropped cigarette leads to the death of 120.
2002 - Irish fishing boat sink killing a man, his son, and grandson... all named Michael Green.
2004 - the roof of a popular Water park in Moscow collapses - 28 dead, many injured.
2005 - 22 killed in a bombing targeted at a Lebanese millionaire.
2008 - 6 fatalities (including gunman) and 18 injuries when a gunman opens fire at an Illinois University.

Buzz. Kill. (just know that I omitted at least 1/2 of the depressing entries... and all of the questionable good/bad ones... like Arizona's statehood)
(yes, I do start to think drowning my sorrows in candy and flowers is a great idea)

(yes, I was a good mom and stopped reading that to my kids...)

(yes, I am a horrible awful cynical person)

(yes, I DO realize it's probably this bad ANY day of the year... I'm not going to try to find out)

(yes, I do plan to credit Wikipedia with all my new-found and depressing knowledge)

(in fact - make me laugh... head over there and tell me who "cool" shares YOUR birthday?)

(really, can you beat Farrah Fawcett, Brent Spiner, Shakira and Pope Benedict XIII?)

to the Love of my Life (or at least my week)

2011-02-11T08:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Love,

In the grand scheme of things it's like we just met... and yet I'm not sure how I ever got along without you. The hours we spend together are magical... I find myself wanting to sneak away for a few minutes of alone time throughout the day... even when we are separated you are in my thoughts. Just yesterday I was at the mall and found something "just right" that I knew you needed... I couldn't resist - I just had to buy it then and there.

We have SO much in common... I mean... I love to read and you love to read with me... when I get tired of reading you are ready to move on to Sudoku or Crossword Puzzles... so few of the people I meet in life share these passions - but you seem to really "get" me. Side by side we've explored near and far - and you've been there as I have laughed over other funny blogs, or cried over a few sad ones... we've BONDED. This is not just any fleeting relationship - we have connected on a deep spiritual level while reading scriptures together even...

I know - there are a few jealousy issues going on right now, but I believe we can all find a way to co-exist and be one big happy family. Maybe I will learn to share someday - but for now it's just you and me!

My new Nook... (well, okay - generic picture of a generic Nook... trust me, they all look the same... looks don't matter, it's what's inside that counts!)

and the beautiful green outfit I just HAD to purchase for it yesterday....

Love,

Momma's Boys...

2011-02-07T10:01:00.000-07:00

Hey... So I hear yesterday was the big football game... something about a really big bowl? (okay, I'm not THAT clueless...)

but to be perfectly honest I had no idea who was playing until I had my hair cut on Tuesday. Who knew hairdressers were such huge football fans?

My kids? Well, Po summed up our love of all things pigskin pretty simply when he announced the teams were as follows:

That'd be the Stackers VS. the Peelers.

of course the boys DID have to know who won before going to bed... just so they could nod in the right places during school conversations tomorrow.

We're still not sure if it's the Green Bay Stackers, or Green Bay Peelers though.

images borrowed from Google images... BUT I did take the time to look for images that had Creative Commons rights so it's not really terribly evil... I'm just doing my part to not clutter up the internet anymore with extra pictures of vegetable peelers - because the internet is running out of space and I don't want that to be MY fault!

Stress Sandwich

2011-02-03T15:17:00.000-07:00

The Bottom Piece of Bread: On Tuesday I was a basket case. Basket. Case. Really, that evening found me and my newly cut and styled hair smiling at people (like... mayor type people and that ilk) and talking up the Children's Museum project I've been working with for... well, years. Getting ready (not the hair part, I passed that off to a very nice and funny hair stylist) took all morning... and I found myself doing a little last minute laminating at the time I was supposed to arrive for set-up. oops.
It went well, though it was a tad nippy out. I can't say that it was COLD... but when our local temp goes below freezing we tend to stay indoors, wrapped in blankets, sipping hot apple cider and playing Canasta. I speak in general terms of course - because I've never played Canasta... I think it's a card game... or maybe dice?

If I thought that my readers cared about Canasta I'd look it up... but since I'm willing to bet that nobody here has much more interest in Canasta than in Shuffleboard (which, yes I DO know what is...) so you'll just be left to wonder won't you?

The Marshmallow Cream: Wednesday - well, you know about Wednesday - that's the day I not so subtly begged for well-wishes and proclamations of undying love and affection. I appreciate all the friends/family/fellow bloggers who did not disappoint. I was plenty spoiled with a brand new alarm clock that projects the time on the ceiling for when I'm too lazy to sit up to peek over ManOfTheHouse's shoulder. Oh, and a cheese slicer. Yeah... try not to container your excitement... I'm sure it's a very nice cheese slicer... ManOfTheHouse redeemed himself with a dozen roses so I'll forgive him... although it has been suggested that he receive his own useless appliance for Valentine's Day... I'm open to your recommendations on the most useless appliance of all time.

The Peanut Butter: Thursday - that's today. Well, let's just say that I probably shouldn't be spending time writing this blog post... between running to the school this morning for my "Meet the Masters" parent class* and signing up kids for soccer I am exhausted - and now it's about time to collect children and move on to the afternoon activities... which tonight include the Battle of the Bands. In addition to being my wonderful eldest child, Veggie Teen moonlights as an amazing musician. He has put down his guitar for this group though and will be on keyboards... I would ask for your sincere prayers in his behalf, but I think we've already decided that it would be hard for anyone to pray for a band called "The Aliens of Planet Rock"... but hey, if you can utter that without cracking a smile you're welcome to send whatever peace, calm and energy their way!

The Top Piece of Bread: Tomorrow? oh, not much... just sending the boys off to their Klondike (winter camping) for a little insanity - and a birthday party... and... Oh shoot... and I just remembered I need to pick up stuff for their tinfoil dinners. No worries - I've learned that a little Take 'n Bake pizza makes a perfect tinfoil dinner - fold it in half and wrap it up - Voila! Apparently eldest is supposed to leave EARLY, but we'll probably just send him up at noon with the rest of the boys... because after tonight I'm sure neither of us wants to be awake at 4 a.m. With no older boys at home I have just lost my babysitters... so no getting out for a little couples time...

and after that (surprisingly delicious but EXTREMELY unhealthy) sandwich of stress (okay, the b'day wasn't stressful, really) I was planning to collapse on the weekend...

but apparently we have two boys still at the Klondike, ManOfTheHouse and 3 kids will be spending the day with cousins a few hours away for a family baptism, and I will be at a women's conference - which will probably have a nice speaker about managing our time better. Somebody tell me not to throw anything at her 'k?

*OH! and for the record - this month we are teaching about Georgia O'Keefe and her flower paintings... apparently we're only looking at her earlier works before they got... well, a little TOO detailed... yeah... glad I get to teach the 1st graders...

a little ditty for Groundhog's day :)

2011-02-02T07:00:00.000-07:00

We celebrate Groundhog's Day around here EVERY year. Yep, every single one... we never miss it. of course the small ones think it necessary to blow out candles whilst looking for my shadow... but the older I get I have shunned the "birthday" element somewhat and just reveled in the groundhog part of the day.

besides, this little song has a lot more musicality to it than "Happy Birthday to You"... seriously - I'm pretty sure I've never heard a really good rendition of that one. and yes, I'm including M. Monroe's breathy "Happy Birthday Mr. President" in that list of train wrecks.

and no, I'm not ignoring the fact that I'm a titch bit older as of 7 something this morning... I'm just reveling in my 30-something status for as long as I can eke it out.

next year - for the big 4-0 I'd like a huge surprise party... anyone willing to throw it for me?

What? me? ruin the surprise by planning it myself? that's unheard of!!! (just let me know when to have the cake ready...)

I have it on good authority that my lovely S.I.L. Sher has dedicated her entire blog to the awesomeness that is me today (although I haven't read it as of this writing...) You should check it out... and let me know if you decide to follow suit (I kid, I kid...) I know that she had a hard time finding pictures of me where I wasn't making funny faces though... and for that I am sorry... and really... I have no idea why I'm always participating in ugly face contests when Sher is snapping pictures ::) (see, even my smilie is all screwy just for the occasion!)

10 reasons I hate being late to church

2011-01-31T06:56:00.001-07:00

1-the front rows are nice comfy (well, okay, that might be a stretch) pews with cushions... the back? Hard metal chairs. Not comfortable AT. ALL.

2-if by some small miracle (which in church isn't really out of the question) there IS a pew available when we arrive late I will choose it over the hard metal chairs. Yes, I get the comfort - but then we must endure the questioning looks from those around us as we parade past... why are we late? did that kid even comb his hair? what kind of fashion statement is the youngest making this week? should she really be wearing 4 inch heels with her foot issues?

3-those hard metal chairs? Also VERY cold.

4-the first few minutes of church are usually devoted to announcing stuff and introducing new people. I find it very telling that I never know what is going on and I am unfamiliar with a full 1/3 of our congregation.

5-there is a phenomenon in congregational singing. It seems that nobody is actually aware that it is their turn to sing until the noise of the people in front of them singing reaches their ears. Sometimes it takes awhile for this sound to travel all the way to the back of the overflow area... I was trained to sing when the conductor says to sing - which means sometimes my note comes a 1/2 beat before those around me. Now, it's true that this can be a lot of fun and I have enjoyed making the people around me uncomfortable (don't worry, it's the 1/3 I don't know way back here...) but truly - this maybe should have made the #1 spot.

6-kids. My own don't sit as well... can't really blame them with the hard, cold metal chairs... but still - I came to church to listen, didn't I?

7-kids. Other ones this time. I remember having young children and needing to take them out occasionally (okay, weekly) for a variety of reasons (messy diapers, inconsolable crying, just being so darn bored I wanted to poke myself in the eye) and then we sat where it was convenient to leave without creating a scene. You know, back when I was young enough for the hard metal chairs to not bother me so much. The young kids and their young parents are still back here, but somehow I just don't fit in anymore.

8-bad vision. Okay, the truth is that I'm a tad on the short side... okay, maybe a little closer to the ridiculously short side... so seeing past rows and rows of heads that are taller than me is not always conducive to a good church experience. I make it worse by usually waking up late enough that I don't want to put my contacts in... hmmm... maybe this has something to do with that 1/3 of the people I don't recognize?

9-hymn books. There are just never enough of them in the back. This is probably by design because very few of those moms can make it through a song without running to the foyer. Or maybe they are hoping to lessen the number of people singing 1/2 a beat behind schedule?

10-hmmm... okay, I don't really have a number ten... it seems like any list worth its snuff would have a final culminating good point. But I don't - unless you want to hear about hard, cold, metal chairs again?

Top 2 signs that you (meaning I) are starved for attention...

2011-01-28T07:33:00.003-07:00

#2 - you write a blog... all about yourself... and check your e-mail every 2.4 minutes to see if anyone has commented.

#1 - okay...bear with me...

An open letter to the Sweet little girl who I briefly encountered last night at a school event - no, not the one gluing the tootie frooties to her brother - the one who said "you're pretty" to me out of the blue...

You made my day. You might have been going up to every lady in the school and telling them the same thing - but I'm sure you noticed how happy I was to hear you say it to me. Or maybe my over-reaction freaked you out a little bit? I didn't necessarily mean that I REALLY wanted to take you home and keep you forever. My apologies, no need for the restraining order.

That is all.

Love, Tonya
(who is not a creeper in the least... but may have borrowed the picture from a divorce website... because apparently when you're as nice as me you don't have a restraining order laying about the house ready to be photographed.)

When You're Smiling... the whole world smiles with you...

2011-01-27T08:24:00.000-07:00

you know that song right? I was thinking it was Sinatra... and I was partially right - but it seems that every big name tried to put their spin on this song... Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Dean Martin -- and Michael Buble... whose name STILL just bugs me. seriously.

The gist of the song is that when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you... but let's be honest... that just isn't true is it? I mean... c'mon - sometimes when you're smilin' the whole world is thinking there has GOT to be something wrong with that perpetually chipper freak...

and not all smiles are equal - maybe that isn't politically correct... but some smiles are definitely more the type you want to smile along with... and some... well...

some just make the whole world stand up and run from the room screaming.

some cause the more cynical among us to make sure your parents are nearby with the diaper bag...

some make me glad for the lock on my bedroom door. No creepy pets allowed.

and some make me want to put stronger locks on my girls' doors.

and some I just have to include so that my fellow blogger friends have a reason to scream today. (you're welcome Kristina) but really... that's a pretty smarmy smile - kinda makes me want to take a swing at those teeth!

Waiting for my nails to dry...

2011-01-26T09:15:00.000-07:00

Warning - I am in a mood... an unfunny mood... if you want funny scroll down and read my Mormon Tabernacle Choir Nudie Calendar post again... and skip this one... I'll be back to being funny tomorrow - but hey, this is MY blog and I've got a little something on my mind that needs to be aired...

Waiting for my nails to dry.... Yep, some days that's all I've got. My kids are all out of the house by 8:30 in the morning - even if I have to shove them out that door... and ManOfTheHouse is usually gone by that time too...

I always chuckle to myself when he leaves asking the question "so, what are doing today?"

My answer? I think I'll take a hot shower, sit around in my robe... eat a few bon-bons, maybe give myself a pedicure. If I have time I might pluck my eyebrows or do a crossword puzzle... (not at the same time!) On a REALLY ambitious day I might look up an episode of something on Hulu...

and then I wake up from my reverie - and notice that there are 4 loads of laundry to be done - and only enough detergent for two cycles. There is a sink full of dishes and I probably need to pick up some cheese if we're making pizza tonight. The pizza dough has to get started by 3:15 or dinner will be another LATE night... which wouldn't really bother me except that the boys all have scouts. The rug is in serious need of a deep vacuuming and the tile grout is looking like tar. (well, it's not like it started out WHITE at least...) I have some artwork I need to complete before this afternoon's museum meeting and some open house invitations to hand deliver.

Yep, even though I am a Stay-at-home-Mother - and even though all of my children are in school... I manage to stay busy. So take THAT "mister-be-a-productive-member-of-society" because although I get a little defensive sometimes, I AM doing what I deem to be most important. (Note to readers... no, ManOfTheHouse is NOT who I'm ranting at... nor is Obama... it's just a general beef of the week)

When my kids arrive home from school it is to an adult who wants them to succeed in life... and making them do chores and homework is a necessary step in that success. When my kids are sick... I can pamper to my heart's content. When ManOfTheHouse needs an errand run during the day... I can drop everything and help him out. I am LUCKY to be able to do this. Last year I worked - way too much - and learned a few lessons. My choice isn't right for everyone and I respect that... really I do!

So yes, I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up... but for now - I need to be free to run my kids to band practice, their math classes, soccer, etc... and I need to remember that these children ARE my responsibility... a responsibility that I brought on myself willingly - a responsibility that I will cherish until the day they no longer need me... in 50 years or so...

So, excuse the ranting and ravings of a lunatic S.A.H.M. - I've said my piece. Now I can move on to starting that next load of laundry and that final sketch...

oh, and I need to decide on a color for my nails... I'm thinking it's a lime green day...

Why all the birds are dropping dead.

2011-01-21T08:54:00.000-07:00

Now, contrary to popular belief - especially among those who have read my Hitchcock bird post - I am not an animal hater. Apparently my house is doing all the hating for me right now.

Scientists around the world are currently stymied as to why birds are dropping from the sky in huge numbers around the world... I might have a clue for them. You see, this is my front window

the reflection is to fight the summer heat... it works, sort of...

two birds have flown into this window in the past week.

and you're very welcome - I drew the line at taking a photograph of the dead birds with their heads at unnatural angle.

Windows are deadly.

No... I am not suggesting that someone has installed a highly reflective window up in the sky into which thousands of birds are meeting their untimely death... but I have noticed one thing. Birds. Are. Dumb. Yes, the window is reflecting the outside... so they're happily flying along looking for a little more nature to fly in and they see - far below - a small archway leading into what appears to be sky and trees. Apparently birds are always on the look-out for better bits of the outdoors to fly in because they're getting crowded up there in the big blue.

So I can feel a little badly... really... what I don't get is that those windows that so neatly reflect the outdoors? Yep, they also reflect the BIRD. That same bird that is flying closer and closer. Playing chicken with his reflection. Is he hoping that other bird will turn aside and let him pass?

These world-wide mass bird deaths? Yep, probably just a bunch of idiot birds playing massive games of chicken way up the sky. I know, you probably haven't played "chicken" since elementary school - but remember hoping the other guy would bail first? Yeah, only the dumb kids played it. The air is a little thin up there... maybe their thought processes are slowed. Or maybe there's a reason that "bird-brain" is an insult.

There's little to be done about mass bird idiocy - I wish the scientists the best of luck... but I'll do my part and take responsibility for the two bird deaths attributable to my home this week.

I've gotta do SOMETHING to help out the little guy... like taping big X's on the window with blue masking tape? Except that's boring. and ugly.

So I've come up with options... tell me what you think - imagine that you live across the street from me (I know, a dream come true... that house IS for sale...)

#1

simple... to the point... but do you think they come in green?

I'm afraid it's just another version of "chicken" we'd just end up killing braver birds.

#3 (my favorite)

you think it'll work? Of course, we may switch from having little dead bird carcasses piling up to having the highest number of car wrecks... what can I say - I'm an animal lover! Errrmmmm... well, I'm a non-animal-hater at least.

When Children become Fashion Conscious...

2011-01-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

okay, maybe "conscious" isn't the right word?

she loves these boots!

you be the judge.

because as the mother, if I am the judge I have to deal with the kicking, screaming, crying, "you don't love me anymore and I'm going to punish you by sitting by DAD at the dinner table tonight" fits.

I'm sure the Runway announcers would have a great time announcing this little ensemble:

"and here we have Miss M - sporting a pair of boots with some real history. Purchased years ago by a neighbor for their dress-up box these boots have seen many pair of feet, they have a lot of stories to ~~smell~~ tell, even before their current incarnation as a skit prop, having been painted with acrylics for a family reunion years past - that's true recycling there!"

"but don't overlook the tights - I hear tell those have some great features to them. Where else can you find a pair of tights that ride comfortably below the bum and need to be tugged up constantly. Rumor has it that when they were purchased they actually fit at the waist and were all but hidden by that dress - which used to reach the ankles! Innovative styling!!!"

"let's not pass over the shrug sweater - that's a hand-knit WONDER - the 1/2 length sleeves, the snug fit around her chest... looks as it was made for her. And it WAS - by her own grandmother - who must have some sort of future sight because when it was made six years ago it was HUGE - covering her entire torso... but no worries, Miss M has grown into it well!"

and yes... for the record - I actually did let her go to school like that. her hair was stunning and that makes up for a LOT!

men of the what???

2011-01-16T08:30:00.002-07:00

Maybe it's just me.

Well, okay - I already know it's not JUST me, because ManOfTheHouse actually pointed it out first. Too bad he doesn't have a blog to share everything that he finds amusing 'eh?

so when you see the title on this

do you automatically think of something like this?

yeah, me either...

especially since these men

are fine, upstanding citizens...

and singing just doesn't leave them with that same chiseled look...

should probably avoid going out in rainstorms for fear of being struck by lightning now... will it help if I tell you that I'd rather listen to the choir than ogle the calendar? true story.

Lurkers? Gotta love 'em!

2011-01-14T09:42:00.000-07:00

I came across a few posts out there in the blogosphere pronouncing today "National Delurking Day"... my computer does not like this word - it is underlining it in red and insisting that it is not a word at all... however, it's not MY word... it's their word. (No, I have no idea who "They" are.... this is just the universal "they" who seem to know all and do all the research studies.... you know... "they")

"They" even have a logo...

a logo that might make my kids' eyes pop out... they're sheltered.

and that logo is supposed to make you, my dear readers come out of hiding and say a big howdy so that I can get a little ego boost for my day.

I hate rules.

What do you say we just don't play their game? Yeah, go ahead - comment all you like - I'd love to see a b'zillion and 3 comments down there, it would make me smile... but to make me LAUGH (out loud even) I would love to see a b'zillion and 3 ANONYMOUS comments - all proclaiming their undying love of me. Or your undying love of Hostess Twinkies for all I care.

Yep, I know there are lurkers out there, and I'm just saying for the record - I luv ya... you don't HAVE to comment to be part of the MoreInfo family (although you might have to wear a name tag at family reunions because it will be hard to recognize you). Lurk, Delurk... whatever makes you happy - I might love comments like most women love chocolate... but in the end, it turns out I write for me... whether I get 29 comments or 2 I'm happy if I've made myself laugh.

That being said... don't STOP commenting... because if I suddenly drop down to 2 on every post I might cry. Big crocodile tears... which are bad for my complexion... and I'd break out like it was 1999... (trust me... bad year for my skin)... which would cause me to stay home a lot... and watch Oprah... okay, maybe not Oprah... probably re-runs of Psych... or Monk... and... oh shoot, that'd just cheer me up all over again... what was my point?

:)

It's Wednesday, It's a picture... but the wordless thing KILLS me!

2011-01-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

I'm a confident parent... really - I've taken this particular child to the store wearing a homemade super bouncy boy cape, cowboy boots, and shorts (okay, he was about 3 years old)... and endured the looks - but when he came out of the bathroom having combed his hair to look like Alfalfa... I had to cringe.

But before cringing I wanted a picture of COURSE!

he misunderstood my desire I think

because he's pretty sure that this is his big breakthrough into the world of Child Acting.

The conversation went something like this...

Po: go ahead Mom, take a picture, but get my good side.
Mom: is one of these angles better than the other?
Po: you told me I looked like that guy from that one movie (ummm... he's never seen Little Rascals)
Mom: well, TV show actually (I guess it's both, but I never saw the movie either)
Po: so maybe when they re-do it they'll pick me?
Mom: (sometimes it's just best to stay silent - this was one of those times...)
Po: how do kids get in movies anyway - I mean, I could have been the kid in Diary of A Wimpy Kid if I knew they were looking. Maybe we should move to California?
Mom: well, there are probably more casting directors per square mile in California than here... but...
Po: (ignoring any negative talk - now announcing it to the whole family) Time to move, we're going to California guys!

5 minutes later he'd planned the entire move - and his first Oscar acceptance speech.

5 minutes after that he was on the bus... off to another day of torturing his 5th grade teacher.

my apologies to the teacher... but considering that I did "encourage" him to tame the hair - maybe we can call it even?

maybe if Teachinfourth's Moments with Joey posts ever get made into a movie he'll have a shot at that?

A few suggestions for how to deal with piles and piles of money...

2011-01-10T09:43:00.001-07:00

I had some other plans for the blog this morning - but after reading an AP article about the $190 million lottery winner who is staying hidden (presumably waiting to decide how to handle this sudden windfall) I decided that it was time for me to fulfill my civic duty.

That's right -while suddenly being handed truckloads of cash may confuse some people - others of us (that'd be me) have spent their whole lives researching how to handle this challenge if it were ever to present itself.

My regular readers may want to read just in case this kind of shock ever befalls them, but this is truly just for the winning Lotto Ticket Holder (whomever he or she may be)

#1 Real Estate. Now you may be thinking private island with that kind of cash - but beware... you may not want to deal with the property taxes associated with this. Not to mention the liability issues in case your island has bred some sort of man-eating dinosaur. I would suggest looking for a reasonable neighborhood and purchasing EVERY house on the street... quietly. This way you can hand pick your neighbors. If you're interested about 1/2 of the houses on my street are already for sale... and although you don't know me from Adam (well, okay - I'm the one without the fig leaf) I would make a spectacular neighbor. I've been known to bake too many cookies on occasion and need some help in consumption.

You may also be interested in a few homes around the country... but keep 'em reasonable - something that you will be comfortable in for a few weeks/months while you visit that part of the country is sufficient. Hotels have all the amenities, but seriously, even with millions of dollars burning a hole in your pocket $4 for a water bottle is still highway robbery. Time shares are a great option... and you'd probably make the day of those poor guys who sit around all day trying to sell them to people who just signed up for the free vacation.

Globally - stay in nice hotels or bed and breakfasts when you're traveling out of the country... there's too much hassle in owning real estate around the world. Or so I've heard... I don't even have a passport!

#2 Gold. it may sound like I've been listening to too much Glen Beck, but hey - you've gotta have something to stick in all those basements alongside the food storage right? Don't just stick to the big blocks of gold though - there's a lot of stunning gold jewelry out there that would look lovely on you or someone you love :) It may not hold its value in quite the same way... but really, you gotta live a little!

#3 Travel. and then travel some more - go someplace you've always wanted to go... and stay long enough to get sick of the food. Shop for some souvenirs that will look classy in your new home(s) instead of the kind of stuff that's sitting around on the shelf at your grandma's house. (with apologies to my grandmother - because I actually really think her souvenirs are beautiful) Befriend a nice local to help in your search...

#4 Charity. find a charity or two you want to donate to BEFORE coming forward. Everyone and their dog will be begging you for a few bucks afterward. Probably their dog's hairdresser's cousin's ex-wife's lawyer's neighbor's second cousin twice removed will even want a piece. Decide now and stick to it. My kids' education funds are available... just sayin'... (well, you know... if I'd begun such a fund that is... my poor kids...)

#5 Support Staff. I'm sure you're looking into a financial planner... which is a good idea - but consider other smaller things - you probably don't need a full time gardener or a full time maid... but with those homes of yours you'll definitely need a lawn service.

#6 Keep a low profile. well, good luck with that at least. However - a low profile doesn't mean you have to go without a decent car, pedicures, and some snappy new clothes... just try not to flaunt it... because flaunting it leads to our next suggestion...

#7 Family. Let's be real - family will hear about your good fortune and they will come out of the woodwork. I'm sure you've never met your cousin Eunice before, but she will suddenly have stories of changing your diaper when you were a baby. Establish a plan NOW - make it equitable - and stick to it. Either tell them all to go jump in the lake - or finance an incredible vacation next summer... if you choose to do something like pay off some homes or whatever - try to keep that quieter... Or just call up the Jerry Springer show today and book your visit so we can all enjoy the ensuing chaos.

#8 Budget. Hey, apparently they don't just hand you the $190 million all at once - you have to make each installment last a little while. Live as if you're never getting more than that first check (what is that... around $25 million after taxes?) yeah, maybe hold off on the lawn service for now.

you're welcome... and if you need further assistance just e-mail me... I think I'd actually make an incredible personal shopper...

Readers - Any more advice for our winner? Or the one thing you'd purchase today if $1000 just dropped in your lap? I saw a gorgeous rug the other day...