Zumba is of the Devil.

I have referenced my Zumba story more than once... but realized last week I'd never actually TOLD my Zumba story... We cannot have that... not so much because you need another cautionary tale... but because I have a hard time keeping anything to myself.

and so I present - without further ado - the reason I am under Doctor's order to not shake my Booty.


say "Zumba" in my community and you will have to duck - because it seems to be the Jazzercise of the new century... (if you don't know what Jazzercise is... well, be glad... be very glad...)

gee, which would YOU rather look like?  I know, the frog tights are "rad"

Women from miles around you will flock to hear how much you LOVE your Zumba instructor and whether or not you have tried the glow in the dark version...

for those of you unenlightened folk who have been living under a rock Zumba is a mish mash of Latin Dance moves/other dance moves inspired by other things that I really don't care to research just for the purposes of this blog. The music is... loud. Okay - probably also "happenin'" or some other less dated term.

I went once - I was prepared to shake my money maker. (no, I don't know what that means... as I've never actually been paid to shake any part of myself).  I shimmied when the instructor said shimmy - I did the one move that made me look like a water sprinkler...  I box stepped and even did a move or two that made me glad that there were no men in the room.  I had MOVES like no other.

okay, maybe one other... the lady next to me had extremely similar moves... only in reverse... which is probably why we kept bumping into one another.  I am going to go ahead and blame that entirely on her since she's not here to defend herself.

I walked out of that one hour class sweating like... well, like I'd just spent an hour working out.  Trust me, if anyone tells you "Zumba is so fun you forget you're working out"... well, they're just plain mental.

It was fun... sort of...  but not THAT fun.

It was fun enough that I picked up a schedule on my way out of the class, anticipating that me and my money maker could probably do with a class or two... per week... and I went home - confident in my new found abilities.

and then...

(yes, I probably could have come up with a better transition for my story... something that lets the reader know that it's all downhill from here... so sue me)

I woke up the next morning feeling like I had just stepped off the Tilt O Whirl.  I tried to get out of bed and ended up... well, out of bed... but not on my feet.

haha, funny... yeah... except I have hardwood floors in my bedroom...  not so funny now is it? (okay, you can laugh... it's still funny... and they're actually a laminate knockoff - but they LOOK like hardwood!)

I've had a few "dizzy days" - sometimes referred to as my "blonde moments" - throughout my life... I always assumed I had a little water in my ear, or maybe an inner ear infection... and they always go away after a day or two.  No big deal.

Except that a week later I was still spinning.  EVERYTHING I did caused me to "trip out"...

It was nauseating - but worst of all it was pretty danged scary.  Especially when I was driving.

Which I only did once...  because once was enough...  for everyone involved.

Okay - it was only me that was involved... thank goodness...

I saw a few doctors...  the first told me (no joke) to go home and look up some stuff on WebMD to see how best to treat it.  Yeah, WebMD is the best place to go if you want to link every single scratch to the possibility of necrotizing fasciitis.

So I went to a few different doctors ... and the down and dirty of it is that I have a diagnosis:

Sucks To Be You Syndrome

only they called it something less exciting...  benign proximal blah blah blah vertigo... and then told me to NEVER try Zumba again.  Seriously.  So, technically - it's my doctor's fault that my jeans a little tight.

(conveniently forgetting about the cheesecake in the freezer...)

Yeah, dizzy me got to enjoy a lot of free Disneyland type rides just going about my daily business... and two months later I was finally able to pass a field sobriety test.

Things I learned:  When there is a medicine meant to counteract the dizziness... the best place for it is probably NOT on the lowest shelf.  The pharmacist agreed with me after he had to come out and get it for me.  Dishes and Food located on shelves higher than eye level...  yeah, those weren't important to the meal anyway.  While the effects are similar - tickets to Disneyland are cheaper than all those Dr. visits.  After all of these years I have not learned a hip and with it way to say "cool".



images blatantly stolen from the web... because I'm under Doctor's orders to stay away from any place that might cause me to Shake what my momma gave me.

Thoughts on the Last day of School

What kind of brilliant idea was making the last two days of High School/Middle School "optional"?

The VeggieTeen is still asleep.

Scheduling a dance for Tuesday night until 11 p.m. pretty much guaranteed an empty school on Friday - and I can't help but respect that kind of wisdom.

The size of the pile of "backpack barf" (the stuff that comes home the last few days and then jumps out of the backpack onto my recently vacuumed rug) is directly proportional to the amount of time spent cleaning the house that day.

I am avoiding any unnecessary cleaning today - for fear that the pile will get larger!

I probably should have made a special breakfast for my kids today.

Marshmallow Mateys are special enough for the last day of school... when school starts again I'll celebrate with donuts.

Tomorrow they're all going to be home... all day...

The first child to say "what is there to do..." will be punished.

severely.

probably with a list of possible chores.

If I haven't written anything witty by next Monday - please call and insist on hearing my voice... because it's entirely possible that I will still be buried under piles of backpack barf and gym clothes that haven't been brought home since August.

Welcome Summer... I think...

The Last Week of School - the "Mommy-do List"

My kids are not what you might call "organized"

Now, I wouldn't call them scatter-brained  (most days) but I wouldn't be too upset if someone else did...

The last week of school is always full of fun activities - and somehow that last week crept up on me like a big Anaconda.  We're now down to 2.5 days of "fun, fun, fun" and I'm exhausted.  (I'm also a little freaked out at the thought of completing all of this from the interior of an Anaconda)

Pirate Day...   the bus comes at 8:30... at 7:30 we're scrounging through boxes of Halloween costumes because I KNOW we've got a pirate costume...  and ta'dah...  we find it, with seconds to spare.  Note to self as they walk out the door:  wash the costume before putting it back in the box... hopefully nobody noticed that smudge on the shirt that looks like she had an incontinent parrot on her shoulder.

Hawaiian Day...  at 7:55 I got asked where the Hawaiian shirts were that I sewed for the girls last summer...  ummm....  *Lots of Scrambling* and they were off to school dressed in bright prints with shell necklaces.  I even found my muumuu and wore it when I went later to teach the art class and help with Shaved Ice treats.

Concerts... luckily I found out about the concert via e-mail the day before, otherwise I have to wonder how that all would have gone... "Oh yeah mom... the big concert is tonight, in like 7 minutes, could you stop making dinner and run me up to the school?"

Movie Day Treats...  8:15 - Mom, we can bring treats to school to share today...  (ummm, yeah, I'm not a nice enough mom to put them in the car and buy something yummy on the way to school...) I opened the cupboard ONCE and stated that if she wanted, there was enough time to pop a bag of popcorn.

Pajama Day (that's today) - I was SO on top of it... I knew about this day - we picked out the pajamas she was going to wear... and I washed them.  Or so I thought...

Somewhere in my pain medicated, muscle relaxed stupor of last night we found out that the favorite Jammies were not clean... So Veggie Teen put a small load in the was for me since I was unconscious on the couch.  I dragged myself off the couch long enough to tell him to put them in the dryer, brush my teeth, and lay down on the bed.  (Really I'm fine... pulled a muscle...  no worries)

When I woke up this morning?  The pajama pants are in the dryer - the shirt?  on the floor next to a note from M "Please clean thes pants and shrit for pigama Day.  Tank you"...  oops.

Fastest load takes 23 minutes - and the dryer got it MOST of the way dry before she had to put it on...  good thing the sun has come out...

I'm THAT mom... the one who doesn't know what's going on at the school...  the one whose kid shows up in pajamas on hawaiian day (okay, not quite...)

and the thing is... I know that when we clean out backpacks on Wednesday after school... I will find a well written note, complete with a chart, detailing what special days are happening at school...

Today I'm just hoping that by "My teacher said we could bring ANY stuffed animal to school today" that she didn't mean "Mom, I lost the note because it actually said the stuffed animal shouldn't be larger than the student"...  I'd show you a picture... but I'm only awake long enough to get this typed...  I think I'm tired again - I only got 15 hours of sleep last night.

What I Wish I'd Said Wednesday

Wrong Numbers.

We all get them, shoot - we've all dialed them... and felt stupid saying "oops, sorry - wrong number"

Some people just hang up when they hear my voice. Yes, I take it personally.

Some people ask for their friend in that odd voice that tells you that they already know they've blown it but are hoping against hope that their friend is allowing some complete stranger to answer their phone. Could happen... right?

With the advent of cell phones my new favorite is the text message of baby pictures... from someone I've never met. I should probably text them back and let them know that they're sending nearly naked pictures of their child to a complete stranger... but who wants to look like a pedophile?

I've always wanted to be that cool guy who ends up chatting with the caller and playing with their mind... but that requires some FAST thinking. FAST I can do... it's the thinking part that I get hung up on.

Our most recent "wrong number" call came on Sunday. Answered by my 9 yr old daughter.

They had meant to call Panda Express.

Which makes perfect sense because we have a total of ONE digit in common. I'm hoping they were ordering the shrimp - because seafood is good for your brain right?

The caller seemed to hesitate a little when that tiny little girl voice answered the phone - but he went ahead and asked if it was Panda Express anyway

Unfortunately my daughter told them they had the wrong number and hung up before I could grab the phone...

Because what I REALLY wish I'd said was "Panda Express, where Chinese Food is so authentic we use Child Labor - will this be for pick-up or delivery"

Monday rolls around again...

It tends to do that every week doesn't it?

If you are a facebook friend or a Twitter follower you already know that I had a HOT date this weekend.

ManOfTheHouse took me out to a concert - and then we followed that up with dinner and dancing.

yes, seriously...  my sisters-in-law who have known ManOfTheHouse since he was practicing the deacon two-step can stop laughing now...

The Concert?

okay, so it was Veggie Teen's band performing poolside at the community center.  They're pretty amazing though and I fully enjoyed it.

The Dinner/Dancing?

ummm...  let's just say that it was an event titled "The Hootenanny Hoedown"...

Hey, don't kill the messenger - I didn't name it!

A few of our older friends got married awhile back - and decided to throw this lovely party in lieu of a reception...

I debated what kinds of illnesses would keep me away gracefully but allow me to show up at church the next day... but eventually I just gave in and got dressed.  Nothing special, not even an ounce of plaid.

M, however, went all out.

and we ate...  I think it was all cooked in a dutch oven... which makes for delicious cobblers, but very greasy meat.

and listened to a little country music.  Thumbs up for me - I actually knew a song or two...  because ManOfTheHouse made me watch that Walk the Line movie...

but did you know that "All my exes live in Texas" is an actual song and NOT just a joke people make about Country Music?  Yeah, okay - you did?  Now I do too...  go figure.  As far as I know though - that joke about what you get when you play Country Music backward is still just humor...  isn't it?  (you know... y'get yer truck back, y'get yer hat back... etc...)

hey... trust me, it's funnier in person.

and we danced... well, we tried to dance...  and by "we" I actually do mean that I got into it as well, but there is no photographic evidence of my boot-scootin'-boogie.  Sad day for you.

line dancing?  kinda like Zumba... I felt uncoordinated all over again - and put it in the list of things I'm pretty sure my doctor doesn't want me doing. (Have I ever told you guys my Zumba story?)

and then the eating and dancing caught up with me...  and we left - driving quickly so I could get home before "succumbing to the urge" - yeah, well, I knew I should have stayed home in the first place! 

Spoiled Rotten

Let's face it... I'll never get EVERYTHING I want for Mother's Day... because as of this writing nobody has yet invented the Universal Mute Button... y'know - that little device I can keep in my pocket that will automatically silence the phone call that interrupts the prayer, the blathering busy-body at the store, the iPod in my kids' ears that is keeping them from hearing my pleas for help, and the sassy child. When that is invented life will be perfect... well, as long as nobody else around me gets ahold of one :)

Until then... my family did pretty well :)

Breakfast in bed... complete with my daily allergy pills :)

The final card from M... (she made 4 this year) - presented during church.

Mostly because she wanted me to use it to "sing" along with the primary Mother's Day songs...

And... if you didn't get what you wanted... hey, you're on a computer right now - what's stopping you?

Okay, I mean BESIDES the credit limit?

You're gonna want to see this one...

1-Veggie Teen had a birthday - he's sixteen...  if you look closely at his knee you can see that he even got a vehicle... his favorite Hippie Van :)

2-Okay, so he got a little bit more than that... 

funny he is still rocking the neighborhood by playing on the piano forte upstairs... we met our brand new neighbors - and they didn't even ask our names... just "who plays the piano?"... luckily that was followed by "I like it" and not by "hey kid, could ya tone it down a little?" or "you little brat - I'm gonna call the cops if that wakes me up again!"
3-16 is a rite of passage in our family... it is the age when you're allowed to *gasp* Date...

Guess how long it took before he was invited to go somewhere...

24.2 hours.

Guess how long it would have been before HE did the inviting...

more than that.  a lot more.

Thank goodness girls are a little bolder these days...

and creative too... the "signature" to the invite was buried in a (reportedly) delicious chocolate cake.  Which looked a lot better before digging out aforementioned signature...

4-The kids are playing soccer...  M even occasionally will get near the ball.

Don't look closely - don't notice that her shorts are on backward... just appreciate the miracle of her foot making contact with the ball and not someone's shin.  I once caught her doing a little boogie near the goal... the game had obviously lost her interest... I wish I'd had a camera though because that was quite the talented little hip-shaker out there.

5-H plays too... as does Po... unfortunately their games are almost always scheduled at the same time and try as I might I have not been able to be two places at once.  I'll keep working on that.

As you can tell from the picture Soccer is not about exercise or skill... it is about fashion...

Check out those socks (not my daughter wearing them...  just a friend with awesome taste in leg wear)

6-Speaking of great taste - M has obviously seen the new trend amongst the teens - wearing two different colored Cons...  she decided to put her own spin on it.

and yes - I did let her go to school that way. (although I did tuck the matching pair in her backpack... just in case)

7-The REAL news of the week?

It's what I let my kid go to school WITHOUT...

I'm really torn...  because when he asked if I'd cut it last night I was having a "shock and awe" moment.

and this morning...  not a word was said... I don't think ManOfTheHouse even noticed... 

This little tiny strand of hair was such a part of his identity for the past year I'm not sure what's going to happen without it...  He is NOT a rebellious child... and even if I weren't his mother I think I'd be impressed with what a good kid he is...  but he just likes to be a little "different"...  and this was his non-permanent, non-bizarre, non-illegal way to stand out.  And now it's gone...

A moment of silence please...

Going "off-radar" is sometimes healthy...

In this day and age it seems we all have so many ways to be "connected" - now I may have the oldest phone on the planet but some of you have phones that are as fancy as my laptop/phone/gps/the iPod I don't actually have/best friend rolled into one. This is all well and good... but sometimes, well frankly sometimes I need a break.

I know, my artistic talent knows no bounds...

So, I dropped off the edge of the earth... or at least the radar screen...
Sometimes I like to listen - you know, to the world around me.

Which means that the OTHER world around me (that's you guys) gets a little neglected... sorry! it's just the truth peeps - I apparently can't be all things to all people no matter how hard I try!

So if you've missed my witty comments on your blog posts - I formally apologize...

If you thought that my absence was indicative of the fact that I keeled over and died then why on earth did you not call the authorities... y'know, in this case being... ummm... Mark Zuckerberg? I'm pretty sure he'd be able to find me before the local cops... although it's not hard, it's not like I'm hiding out in a fancy mansion in Pakistan or anything...

Luckily this week signifies the end of soccer season... which will return my Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays to normal...

define "normal" for me again wouldya?

OH! and I have a giveaway to finalize - because I have a Freschetta Pizza Coupon to mail off to Heather B (who is way off across the ocean and thus not eligible for the Container set)... Sorry Heather - but I think that you will be happy when you find that the Containers are now going to Laura... who I'm sure will treat them quite well in your absence.

I thank you... Freschetta thanks you... Random.org thanks you... ummm... yeah - we're a grateful bunch of people around here!

and now if you REALLY want to try it I'll give you a hint - hurry, because most of the boxes right now have a mail-in rebate which means you ALL get pizza for free. Free is my favorite price!

y'wanna know what I learned while "listening" yesterday at the park during soccer practice... I learned that SOME people have step-sons who don't know that their Dad isn't really their Dad yet and that SOME people should probably not have such loud conversations in a public place...  just sayin'

hey, what can I say...  the sounds of nature were probably more soothing, but the soap opera was happening about 5 feet away...  what's a girl supposed to do?