10 reasons I hate being late to church

1-the front rows are nice comfy (well, okay, that might be a stretch) pews with cushions... the back? Hard metal chairs. Not comfortable AT. ALL.

2-if by some small miracle (which in church isn't really out of the question) there IS a pew available when we arrive late I will choose it over the hard metal chairs.  Yes, I get the comfort - but then we must endure the questioning looks from those around us as we parade past...  why are we late?  did that kid even comb his hair?  what kind of fashion statement is the youngest making this week?  should she really be wearing 4 inch heels with her foot issues?

3-those hard metal chairs?  Also VERY cold.

4-the first few minutes of church are usually devoted to announcing stuff and introducing new people.  I find it very telling that I never know what is going on and I am unfamiliar with a full 1/3 of our congregation.

5-there is a phenomenon in congregational singing.  It seems that nobody is actually aware that it is their turn to sing until the noise of the people in front of them singing reaches their ears.  Sometimes it takes awhile for this sound to travel all the way to the back of the overflow area...   I was trained to sing when the conductor says to sing - which means sometimes my note comes a 1/2 beat before those around me.   Now, it's true that this can be a lot of fun and I have enjoyed making the people around me uncomfortable (don't worry, it's the 1/3 I don't know way back here...) but truly - this maybe should have made the #1 spot.

6-kids.  My own don't sit as well... can't really blame them with the hard, cold metal chairs... but still - I came to church to listen, didn't I?

7-kids.  Other ones this time.  I remember having young children and needing to take them out occasionally (okay, weekly) for a variety of reasons (messy diapers, inconsolable crying, just being so darn bored I wanted to poke myself in the eye) and then we sat where it was convenient to leave without creating a scene.  You know, back when I was young enough for the hard metal chairs to not bother me so much.  The young kids and their young parents are still back here, but somehow I just don't fit in anymore.

8-bad vision.  Okay, the truth is that I'm a tad on the short side...  okay, maybe a little closer to the ridiculously short side...  so seeing past rows and rows of heads that are taller than me is not always conducive to a good church experience.  I make it worse by usually waking up late enough that I don't want to put my contacts in... hmmm... maybe this has something to do with that 1/3 of the people I don't recognize?

9-hymn books.  There are just never enough of them in the back.  This is probably by design because very few of those moms can make it through a song without running to the foyer.  Or maybe they are hoping to lessen the number of people singing 1/2 a beat behind schedule?

10-hmmm... okay, I don't really have a number ten...  it seems like any list worth its snuff would have a final culminating good point.  But I don't - unless you want to hear about hard, cold, metal chairs again?

Top 2 signs that you (meaning I) are starved for attention...

#2 - you write a blog... all about yourself... and check your e-mail every 2.4 minutes to see if anyone has commented.

#1 - okay...bear with me...

An open letter to the Sweet little girl who I briefly encountered last night at a school event - no, not the one gluing the tootie frooties to her brother - the one who said "you're pretty" to me out of the blue...

You made my day.  You might have been going up to every lady in the school and telling them the same thing - but I'm sure you noticed how happy I was to hear you say it to me.  Or maybe my over-reaction freaked you out a little bit?  I didn't necessarily mean that I REALLY wanted to take you home and keep you forever.  My apologies, no need for the restraining order.

That is all.

Love, Tonya
(who is not a creeper in the least... but may have borrowed the picture from a divorce website... because apparently when you're as nice as me you don't have a restraining order laying about the house ready to be photographed.)

When You're Smiling... the whole world smiles with you...

you know that song right? I was thinking it was Sinatra... and I was partially right - but it seems that every big name tried to put their spin on this song... Frank Sinatra, Billie Holiday, Louis Armstrong, Dean Martin -- and Michael Buble... whose name STILL just bugs me. seriously.

The gist of the song is that when you're smiling, the whole world smiles with you... but let's be honest... that just isn't true is it? I mean... c'mon - sometimes when you're smilin' the whole world is thinking there has GOT to be something wrong with that perpetually chipper freak...

and not all smiles are equal - maybe that isn't politically correct... but some smiles are definitely more the type you want to smile along with... and some... well...

some just make the whole world stand up and run from the room screaming.

some cause the more cynical among us to make sure your parents are nearby with the diaper bag...

some make me glad for the lock on my bedroom door.  No creepy pets allowed.

and some make me want to put stronger locks on my girls' doors.

and some I just have to include so that my fellow blogger friends have a reason to scream today. (you're welcome Kristina) but really... that's a pretty smarmy smile - kinda makes me want to take a swing at those teeth!

Waiting for my nails to dry...

Warning - I am in a mood... an unfunny mood... if you want funny scroll down and read my Mormon Tabernacle Choir Nudie Calendar post again... and skip this one... I'll be back to being funny tomorrow - but hey, this is MY blog and I've got a little something on my mind that needs to be aired...



Waiting for my nails to dry.... Yep, some days that's all I've got. My kids are all out of the house by 8:30 in the morning - even if I have to shove them out that door... and ManOfTheHouse is usually gone by that time too...

I always chuckle to myself when he leaves asking the question "so, what are doing today?"

My answer? I think I'll take a hot shower, sit around in my robe... eat a few bon-bons, maybe give myself a pedicure. If I have time I might pluck my eyebrows or do a crossword puzzle... (not at the same time!) On a REALLY ambitious day I might look up an episode of something on Hulu...

and then I wake up from my reverie - and notice that there are 4 loads of laundry to be done - and only enough detergent for two cycles. There is a sink full of dishes and I probably need to pick up some cheese if we're making pizza tonight. The pizza dough has to get started by 3:15 or dinner will be another LATE night... which wouldn't really bother me except that the boys all have scouts. The rug is in serious need of a deep vacuuming and the tile grout is looking like tar. (well, it's not like it started out WHITE at least...) I have some artwork I need to complete before this afternoon's museum meeting and some open house invitations to hand deliver.

Yep, even though I am a Stay-at-home-Mother - and even though all of my children are in school... I manage to stay busy. So take THAT "mister-be-a-productive-member-of-society" because although I get a little defensive sometimes, I AM doing what I deem to be most important. (Note to readers... no, ManOfTheHouse is NOT who I'm ranting at... nor is Obama... it's just a general beef of the week)

When my kids arrive home from school it is to an adult who wants them to succeed in life... and making them do chores and homework is a necessary step in that success. When my kids are sick... I can pamper to my heart's content. When ManOfTheHouse needs an errand run during the day... I can drop everything and help him out. I am LUCKY to be able to do this. Last year I worked - way too much - and learned a few lessons. My choice isn't right for everyone and I respect that... really I do!

So yes, I need to decide what I want to be when I grow up... but for now - I need to be free to run my kids to band practice, their math classes, soccer, etc... and I need to remember that these children ARE my responsibility... a responsibility that I brought on myself willingly - a responsibility that I will cherish until the day they no longer need me... in 50 years or so...

So, excuse the ranting and ravings of a lunatic S.A.H.M. - I've said my piece. Now I can move on to starting that next load of laundry and that final sketch...

oh, and I need to decide on a color for my nails... I'm thinking it's a lime green day...

Why all the birds are dropping dead.

Now, contrary to popular belief - especially among those who have read my Hitchcock bird post - I am not an animal hater. Apparently my house is doing all the hating for me right now.

Scientists around the world are currently stymied as to why birds are dropping from the sky in huge numbers around the world... I might have a clue for them. You see, this is my front window

the reflection is to fight the summer heat...  it works, sort of...

two birds have flown into this window in the past week.

and you're very welcome - I drew the line at taking a photograph of the dead birds with their heads at unnatural angle.

Windows are deadly.

No... I am not suggesting that someone has installed a highly reflective window up in the sky into which thousands of birds are meeting their untimely death... but I have noticed one thing. Birds. Are. Dumb. Yes, the window is reflecting the outside... so they're happily flying along looking for a little more nature to fly in and they see - far below - a small archway leading into what appears to be sky and trees. Apparently birds are always on the look-out for better bits of the outdoors to fly in because they're getting crowded up there in the big blue.

So I can feel a little badly... really... what I don't get is that those windows that so neatly reflect the outdoors? Yep, they also reflect the BIRD. That same bird that is flying closer and closer. Playing chicken with his reflection. Is he hoping that other bird will turn aside and let him pass?

These world-wide mass bird deaths? Yep, probably just a bunch of idiot birds playing massive games of chicken way up the sky. I know, you probably haven't played "chicken" since elementary school - but remember hoping the other guy would bail first?  Yeah, only the dumb kids played it. The air is a little thin up there... maybe their thought processes are slowed. Or maybe there's a reason that "bird-brain" is an insult.

There's little to be done about mass bird idiocy - I wish the scientists the best of luck... but I'll do my part and take responsibility for the two bird deaths attributable to my home this week.

I've gotta do SOMETHING to help out the little guy...  like taping big X's on the window with blue masking tape?  Except that's boring.  and ugly.

So I've come up with options... tell me what you think - imagine that you live across the street from me (I know, a dream come true...  that house IS for sale...)

#1

simple... to the point... but do you think they come in green?

#2

I'm afraid it's just another version of "chicken" we'd just end up killing braver birds.

#3 (my favorite)

you think it'll work?  Of course, we may switch from having little dead bird carcasses piling up to having the highest number of car wrecks... what can I say - I'm an animal lover! Errrmmmm... well, I'm a non-animal-hater at least.

When Children become Fashion Conscious...

okay, maybe "conscious" isn't the right word?

she loves these boots!

you be the judge.

because as the mother, if I am the judge I have to deal with the kicking, screaming, crying, "you don't love me anymore and I'm going to punish you by sitting by DAD at the dinner table tonight" fits.

I'm sure the Runway announcers would have a great time announcing this little ensemble:

"and here we have Miss M - sporting a pair of boots with some real history.  Purchased years ago by a neighbor for their dress-up box these boots have seen many pair of feet, they have a lot of stories to smell tell, even before their current incarnation as a skit prop, having been painted with acrylics for a family reunion years past - that's true recycling there!"

"but don't overlook the tights - I hear tell those have some great features to them.  Where else can you find a pair of tights that ride comfortably below the bum and need to be tugged up constantly.  Rumor has it that when they were purchased they actually fit at the waist and were all but hidden by that dress - which used to reach the ankles! Innovative styling!!!"

"let's not pass over the shrug sweater - that's a hand-knit WONDER - the 1/2 length sleeves, the snug fit around her chest...  looks as it was made for her.  And it WAS - by her own grandmother - who must have some sort of future sight because when it was made six years ago it was HUGE - covering her entire torso...  but no worries, Miss M has grown into it well!"

and yes... for the record - I actually did let her go to school like that.  her hair was stunning and that makes up for a LOT!

men of the what???

Maybe it's just me.

Well, okay - I already know it's not JUST me, because ManOfTheHouse actually pointed it out first. Too bad he doesn't have a blog to share everything that he finds amusing 'eh?

so when you see the title on this

do you automatically think of something like this?

yeah, me either...

especially since these men

are fine, upstanding citizens...

and singing just doesn't leave them with that same chiseled look...


should probably avoid going out in rainstorms for fear of being struck by lightning now...  will it help if I tell you that I'd rather listen to the choir than ogle the calendar?  true story.