Tuesday, May 18, 2010

F.Y.I. - it is impossible to be Brave and Naked at the same time.

true story.

and I suppose you want to know WHY I know this with such surety?

Well, turns out I was in a hurry to get off to the library this morning and I needed to take a QUICK shower... 5 minute variety - luckily my morning walk had been outdoors rather than inside so the sweat factor was greatly reduced.

I flipped on the water (to VERY hot mind you) and... well, "disrobed"... but try not to dwell on that part so much. I began to stick one leg past the curtain when I spied what looked like fruit flies inside the tub. Leg OUT.

I'm still calm though - really, fruit flies aren't that big a deal right? Only what the holy heymana are they doing in my shower? Is it the brown sugar body scrub??? I'm thinking at this point that I can quickly rinse the whole shower area out and cut down to a 3 minute shower - but this is still not a deal breaker. Gross yes, but not a deal breaker.

As I move the shower curtain aside again I grab a closer look. These are not fruit flies... these are itty bitty tiny baby spiders. I would tell you there were tons of them... but "tons" might be an exaggeration... let's just say - more than 7...

Still pretty calm, although I'm realizing that instead of a quick spray down I'm going to have to SCRUB before allowing myself to be in the shower.

Before I get too much of a chance to decide how late I will be to the library I notice that my loofah has fallen from its spot and is laying on the bottom of the tub.

(side note - I hereby vow that I will never again use a loofah in the shower again... apologies to the entire loofah industry... but it just isn't going to happen!)

Under the loofah? Yep - the biggest, most monstrous mama spider you've seen since Harry Potter 2. (who me, exaggerate?)

Am I thinking of rescuing my morning shower?

Am I considering running from the house in a royal screaming fit?

Am I still Naked? ummm, yeah - and this is where I contend that you cannot be Naked and Brave... I don't care how many weird stories you can relate about ancient wars fought sans clothing or stage productions with no costume budget necessary... I just don't think it's possible!

The rest of my morning happened in the following order:

1 - put on robe.
2 - deep breath.
3 - check to make sure spider has not moved... because we all know that if you continue looking at it a spider or bug will not move. Proven fact.
4 - text ManOfTheHouse that he really must call me as soon as his important meeting is over.
5 - freak out a little more.
6 - phone call to Neighbor of the Year (hmmm... is NOTY an okay acronym?) I TOLD her to just tell me to put on my big girl pants and kill the thing... but it didn't work...
7 - still talking on the phone as she sympathizes with (and probably laughs at) me - I finally realize that I cannot squish the monstrous creature... but I have foaming bath cleanser close at hand.
8 - the spider does not LIKE foaming bath cleanser... but it's now running frantically trying to escape from the tub. boy am I glad that I am now at least partially clothed because otherwise I might have cried.
9 - I realize that I also have Drano Gel near at hand
10 - Drano Gel does the trick! Now, I can't say that Drano Gel alone is the answer to all of your arachnid issues... perhaps it was the toxic fumes caused by combining the Drano Gel and Lysol Foaming Bath Cleanser? Whatever - big hairy creature from the depths of Albuquerque be gone - *cough* - and I'd better get out of the bathroom as well.
11 - I realize that I am now 30 minutes LATE and I also know full well that there is NO WAY I can get in the shower.
12 - I decide it is a hat day.

as for the rest of my day? a mischievous custodian places a rubber cockroach amongst the boxes I am moving around the library for the upcoming book fair. I recognize it as fake, but still can't touch it. as I am doing increasingly active tasks I realize that I am REALLY needing a shower still!

Neighbor of the Year did call to make sure I was still alive... and to tell me that her four year old daughter had offered to come kill the spider for me. The same daughter who was not so sure she could handle preschool that day. Yep - whatever, I'd be embarrassed except I know for a surety that she had the added benefit of wearing clothing.

So that's it... well, except for the fact that poor M.O.T.H. had to come home and thoroughly scrub the entire bathroom and throw away the loofahs, poufs, and whatever else might secretly be housing anything with more than 0 legs.

Maybe I will shower before bed? M.O.T.H. certainly hopes so since I have done my 3.5 mile walk, lifted MANY boxes for the book fair, cleaned out most of my office, and done a 30 minute spin class... Here's hoping I run into nobody I know while running off to buy gel for boy T's crazy hair.

OH! and aren't you glad I didn't put any pictures with this post... of spiders... or naked people...


Garden of Egan said...

What are you talking about? Of course I want pictures!!!!!

If the spiders are that huge I think I don't want to move to St G. Yowza!!!!! I hate loathe detest despise spiders.
Naked people, meh, that's part of my job.

Thanks for the awesome description.

Kristina P. said...

I couldn't even read past the loofah part. It freaks me out too much!

Malinda said...

Wow, I am glad it wasn't me who found all those spiders in the bathtub because I would of screamed very loudly because I hate spiders. Loved the post, well all your posts are fun to read.

Charlotte said...

Aacck! I would have been freaked out, too. I've been known to drown insects that cross me in the shower. But I would have had to wait for husband or boys to get home to remove the remains. I think I'll keep foaming cleanser on hand from now on.

Heidi Ashworth said...

Ewwwwww! Scary.

Nutty Hamster Chick said...

My thing is snakes, hate them. Me and Harrison Ford, we are like this, in that department.

Spiders I can kill. It is funny because my 19 year old hates them also and he always gets me to come and kill any spider that ventures into his room. I tell him he better be sure to ask each girl he dates if she will kill the spiders in the house if they should happen to get married. I figure it is a deal breaker and he might as well ask her on the first date, because I pretty sure it would be humiliating to call up your mom to come over and kill spiders for you once you are married.

And yes I imaging there will be some pretty big bugs in Jacksonville Florida, and it does make me smile just a tiny bit to imagine the trial that will be to him.

Hey isn't that was missions are for, suffering and growth?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

ha ha ha ha ha

Awesome imagery! Once I was laying in the tub (maybe you remember this photo on my blog last year) and I looked up and saw a ginormous cane spider on the shower curtain.


I testify that what you say is true. You cannot be brave and naked simultaneously.

Barbaloot said...

No way would I have showered with that having happened. Glad you had a husband to come and do the intense cleaning before the shower was safe. But I still have the creeps just thinking about it!

Megz said...

I actually get more brave when I am naked. Something about being more primal....totally kidding.
Anyway, I would have freaked as well. I'm going to have to put something a little more potent than apricot scrub near my shower now.

Lacking Productivity said...

Thanks for commenting on my Or So She Says post.

I loved reading this post (you crack me up!)...my mom had the same thing happen to her the night she saw Arachnophobia (ironically). She found a huge mama spider at the bottom of the tub, covered in tiny baby spiders, but then she panicked and couldn't kill them because there was a mom with all her babies (apparently I didn't inherit her heart, because I would have killed every last one of those suckers...and now I know Draino Gel does the trick), so she had my dad trap them in a jar and send them outside.

Sher said...

Wow! 3.5 miles and a spin class? You're my hero even if you are chicken while you are missing any protective layers. I had my own spider incident today -- it crawled out from under the magazine I was reading -- ahhh! Yours was worse. But the time one climbed out of my breakfast cereal -- with milk -- that I'd been eating. That might at least be equal to your spider story.

Anonymous said...

In fourth grade, our class pet was a Tarantula.

Yes, it was.

And guess who won the opportunity to take it home over Christmas break?

Yup. Me. Lucky, lucky me.

My mother still doesn't like to talk about it.

LC said...

Eeee. I'm feeling all skittish now.

April said...

OH MY H*#$ are you kidding me???? I am still crawling just thinking about it! I had a cockroach in my bathroom the other day and I couldn't touch it. So I threw a washcloth over it (knowing full well that I'd have to then burn the wash cloth) until my hubby could throw it out when he got home from work that night. Before he got home it had moved! Moved I tell you! I had my son find it and finish it off. My son then proceeded to put the piece of paper towel WITH the dead cockroach IN HIS MOUTH. AAAAAGGGGG!!!!!

All this was to let you know, I feel your pain. Boy do I feel your pain. And at no point in your story telling did I ever visualize you nekked. Nope, not once. Never.