If you can't say nothin' nice... don't say nothin'...

Only it wasn't the "nice" that was giving me troubles.

well... maybe once.  But seriously - soccer coaches of 7 year old girls really should not be so competitive.

I was keeping a secret.  Now, at long last I can let the cat out of the bag...

not THAT secret!  Oh for crying out loud I'm already a mother of 5 wonderful kids - that can can stay in the bag.  Consider that bag knotted and tossed in the river.

Great, now there's going to be hate mail from PETA.

bring it on...  I do my part for animals by not owning any... trust me, it's for the best.

...

Oh, yeah - the secret...

*cue the music*

We're goin' to Disneyyyylaaand...

did you sing that too?

No?  Well get back up there and try again because you are obviously need a little pick me up.

As I write this my kids have no idea...  none.  We're telling them tomorrow.  Packing should be fun - I mean, isn't that the best part of the trip???

A little prayer of thanks that I did 97% of the laundry in the house on Wednesday - because today?  Today the washing machine broke.  Yep...  I think last time we planned to go to Disneyland our washer broke too... only it managed to break BEFORE we purchased non-refundable tickets and so we enjoyed a lovely vacation at home scrounging for the last clean clothes until the new washing machine ("the happiest washing machine on earth") could be delivered.  Almost as much fun... and without the fear of some creeper dressed as a huge over sized stuffed animal coming up behind us.

Oh wait... we're excited about this really... I mean, I've already packed my Grumpy t-shirt and I'm wearing my Grumpy sun visor even though it's 11:30 at night.  Wait, it's daylight savings tonight so let's just call it 12:30am... which makes wearing a sun visor totally acceptable.

I'll take lots of pictures... lots and lots and lots... otherwise all the effort that went into finding color coordinated shirts for my kids will have been wasted.  I'll take and share so many pictures that you'll think you were there with us.  You may even experience a little nausea after the tea-cups... I know I will.  Okay, I won't photograph that.

So many pictures... just none today.

(and if you NEED to get in touch with me for some reason, well...  first, it had better be uber stinkin' important if you're going to cut into my Mickey time - and second... oh, there's no second... just message me on twitter... or text me if you're lucky enough to be one of the 17.6 people who have my number...

and trust me, you don't want to know about that 6/10ths of a person who keeps calling... she's right up there with the soccer coach on my "people who are causing me to re-evaluate my 'the meek shall inherit the earth' belief"

don't bother robbing my house - I'm taking all the good stuff with me...  leaving behind the busted washing machine and a big attack dog who hasn't been fed in weeks.

oh crap - I already mentioned my dislike of animals...  you might believe the "hasn't been fed in weeks" before you believe the "dog" part... and you'd be right...

Instead I'm leaving a lot of clutter right inside the front door... because being sued by my trespassers sounds like a lot of fun - and unfortunately, not as far fetched as you'd think.

Trash Can Archaeology...

When I was a kindergarten teacher (yes, WAY back then...) we used to have this fun unit where we read about Archaeology. 

I know I know... seems like an advanced topic for Kindergarten... and I'd defend it if I remembered WHY I did it... I  am sure it had something to do with a book we were writing - but the point is it was FUN! 

I got a few parents in the class to save their "clean" garbage for the week  (read as: no food, no diapers, no tissues...) - and at the end of the week we'd split into teams, go through the garbage and make guesses about what kind of people lived in the household.

it's a little scary what your trash tells about you.

My trash today?

Empty Cake Mix Boxes: 2, strawberry & yellow

eggshells: probably just enough for those cakes

Empty Kit Kat Wrappers: 25

Empty M&Ms bag: 1(but only because there were some left in the other bag)

Snips from the tops of colorful melting chocolate: 5 (because the first 3 bags were already open)

Nearly empty can of frosting: 1

Microwave Popcorn Bags (Empty of course): 12

Unpopped Popcorn Kernels: Too many to count

Crumpled Paper Towels, stained with a rainbow of colors: Lots

Empty Kool-Aid Packets: 6 - all different flavors/colors

Wrappers from new ice cube trays - 3, double packed...

Empty 2 liter bottles of Generic Lemon Lime Soda: 1... the other 3 got thrown away at church.

Pizza Boxes: 3

Wrappers from the really yummy white chocolate bite size candies that I ate for "energy": Too many.

You know what this says about our family???

Pull out your hidden archaeologist skills and let me know...

all I know is that to my kids it says I spend way too much time and effort on treats for my youth group girls and not enough time making a healthy meal for my family.

imagine the other pictures of colorful popcorn and rainbow drinks...

Tonight I promise there will be an empty bag of tossed salad...

And a few more wrappers from those little white chocolate candies... nom....

39.999 - and counting...

There's no hiding it...

Today is my birthday...

HOWEVER - since I wasn't born until 8:30 in the morning I am not yet 40... even though I am currently surrounded by decorations which profess otherwise.

that sign is actually in my house... the rest, not so much...

What does a balloon know?

Depending on how fast I can think/type/find a picture to fit the post this may actually get posted while I am still "30-something"

I can do it, my reflexes are still as sharp as ever.

The question of the day is? What do I have to show for my 39.999 years of life?

A pretty amazing husband who is 8 kinds of manly and who is taking me out to lunch... even though 40 won't quite get me a senior discount - he's just generous like that.

5 stunningly brilliant children - who in the next 3 days will have me running all over creation for plays, soccer, swimming, dance, bands, scouts, birthday parties (not mine), and church activities...

The conviction that there is no better way to spend my time than what I've just described.

A house that despite advances in technology does not clean itself.

and the bragging rights to helping a local store put together a 21,000 piece puzzle.  Well, technically it's a 24,000 piece puzzle - but we're not done yet... good thing "Huge Freakin' Puzzle" is on my bucket list and not on my "things to do by the time I'm 40" list.

It's probably too late to make on of those lists...

well, maybe not - let's put "write a hastily thought out blog post" and "shower" on the list and call it good.

1/2 way there!

Confessions of a Crappy Blogger

it's not that my life has been boring.

or busy.

really - it's been a laid back full of fun month... and if you knew all about it you'd be super jealous.

I could give you all the nitty gritty details - but in the interest of keeping my blog posts short and sweet (just like me?) you will just get to hear about what I'm NOT blogging about.


I won't  tell you how of all the houses in the country Santa (and part time school bus driver Phil) came to visit our house.

I won't blog about Christmas gifts... or house hunting (not for me)... or spending way too much time trying to beat my niece's score in A Christmas Bubble Shooter...

You also probably won't get to hear much about costume making, Sesquicentennial celebrations that included me covered in paint up to my elbows, or a particular prop piece that still only exists in my brain even though it needs to be done in a few days.

Dance Recitals, Orchestra Concerts, and Random Youth Activities that had me wearing two coats and a blanket will also be absent.

I won't even give you the skinny on my fitness class results or how I spent my winnings...  I wouldn't even tell you if I remember how that money was spent... or how much of the weight I lost I have managed to put back on during the festive season.

You don't even get to hear about how I will never shop at my local shoe store again thanks to a very rude manager... turns out their name is a lie and I pay a lot more than I expect...

So... what am I going to blog about?  Today my dear friends you get to see the thing that made me laugh the hardest all year...  well, maybe the second hardest... some of you have written some pretty funny blogs and tweets...

and maybe it's just the old lady in me that has obviously had a little too much pressure on my bladder when pregnant... but this seems like a BAD name for a business...

...just sayin'

Raising My Kids a little too Seriously...

You know you've done something right (wrong?) when your kids react seriously to one of your hilarious childhood stories...

Case in Point?  Well, Story in point I guess...

I used to work at a Theatre.  Not a theater - you see, a theater is a place where you pay too much to see a movie that has been polished to perfection (or imperfection) and wash it down with popcorn and soda... a Theatre is someplace where you pay 4 times as much for the ticket, starve until intermission then chug down your $3 water bottle, and have about a 50% chance that there will be an actor who is having an off day...

I was a higher class usher...

But one week I had sprained my ankle and could not handle taking patrons (yeah, at the theater you're just a customer... but Theatre has "patrons") to their seats.  My boss decided we'd do something a little different and sat me on a chair where I greeted each patron with a winning smile, tore off their ticket stub and then handed the ticket to the next in a line of about 4 ushers, introducing them with "and Shawn will take you to your seat..."  His name really was Shawn...  and all was going really well until I looked at the end of the line and realized that (although I had met her... and worked with her earlier that week) I had completely blanked on the new girl's name.  Completely.

Rather than admitting defeat I proceeded through the line... "and Tim here will now show you to your seats" (with the winning smile... always the winning smile!)

Shawn looked at me... glanced over his shoulder... looked at me again...

"Tim? their seats please..." (as I force the tickets into Shawn's hand)

and so on and so forth throughout the next 1/2 hour... making up different names each time... hoping I guess to eventually hit on the right name?

It was hi-freakin'-larious... and rather ingenious if I must say so myself.

And apparently - I do have to say so myself... because when I told the Veggie-Teen my story... he just looked at me with a blank stare and asked why on earth I didn't just own up and ask her name...

Yeah... right... that requires a certain maturity that even now I don't have.

Given the same situation - I'd do exactly the same thing today...

Except instead of starting with "Tim" - Shawn would have been called "Donatello"...

Stop the Presses!

I suppose that the words "Stop the Presses" shouldn't be used on a nearly defunct blog.

I'd make all sorts of excuses for why I was so busy - the holidays... blah blah blah blah blah...

Guess what I learned this weekend? 

Turns out that each and every one of us on this earth has the same number of hours in the day - so my lame excuses about not having enough time are just not going to sell.

Honesty? Well, in all seriousness - this stupid nutrition class/weight loss thing is the ONLY thing that's been occupying my thoughts and this is NOT a diet blog.  I do not want to write a diet blog... I can only assume that you don't want to read a diet blog...  so I just ended up not blogging.

Okay - so that's actually only half of what I did.  I also wasted a HUGE amount of time on pinterest.  If you are not familiar with pinterest it is a lovely little corner of the web where people like me "pin" all of the things from around the internet onto virtual corkboards so that I can someday look back and see all of the million things that I wish I had actually done. 

Seriously - I have a young friend who has her entire Pinterest wedding planned out down to the napkin rings.  I don't think she's dating anyone right now.

BUT - this is where the Stop The Presses comes in...

I.
Actually.
MADE something.

and not just the cinnamon roll pancakes.  although those are to. die. for.

While perusing Pinterest yesterday I saw a cute skirt made from fabric and an old pair of jeans...  it was cute so of COURSE it went straight onto my "Sewing, Yeah, like I do THAT" board (seriously, that's what I named it...  I like truth in advertising) and went about my life...

"Life" yesterday included taking my kids to the dollar store so that they could pick out some goodies to send off to some missionaries... we're nice like that... cheap, but nice...

As we entered the dollar store I notice that sweet H is tying her sweatshirt around her waist.  Since it is about negative 23786 degrees Kelvin right now I'm wondering why on earth she would do this... and wondering why on earth she is tying it on backward...  maybe she's just THAT proud of the BYU cougars? (hey, no college slamming around here people... take it outside!)

Turns out she'd been practicing the splits for her Hip-Hop class.

and there goes one more pair of jeans into the trash... but wait!

Yep - I have some fabric... I have a sewing machine... I have thread

and now? now I have a cute new skirt for my little girl!

At the expense of one needle...

Lest you think this is a one time thing - I also have a few other crafts that I made with my Young Women at church... at least one of which began its life on Pinterest :)

So now I need a new board: "Things I can actually vouch for"....

at least that one won't have 2356 items on it :)

How I REALLY feel about weight loss

Diets Suck.

Don't get all high and mighty telling me that the real answer is making a "lifestyle change" instead of "going on a diet"

First of all "lifestyle change" just brings to mind a Chaz Bono type of thing.  Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Who am I kidding...  really, I think there is something wrong with Chaz Bono... but it's not about his lifestyle choices.

The REAL problem is that when you say "lifestyle change" I know that's just a politically correct term for "permanent diet"

The only reason I can stomach eating broccoli florets for lunch is knowing that I don't have to do this forever.

and the first person to even suggest that I will eventually crave healthy foods such as little green mini-trees is getting virtual broccoli shoved deep into their virtual sinuses.

(hmmm... have I mentioned that diets suck... and they make me crabby?)

In a short 78 days I hit a milestone birthday.

Bonus points to anyone who is guessing 30...

and I'm staring daggers at anyone who is guessing 50...

it's 40 - and I know... that's probably ancient sounding to you... 

to be honest - I'm okay with turning 40... it's not freaking me out... much.

Ask again in 77 days.

I tell you this not to give you 78 days to shop for the perfect gift... (my favorite color is green) - but because the impending birthday has a lot to do with that four letter word "diet".

You see... turning 40 means that ManOfTheHouse is about to turn... well... older than 40...

Maybe even old enough to qualify as "Middle Aged"

And as well all know that means it's high time for a mid-life crisis.

A good mid-life crisis has a few required elements.

*We can't afford a shiny new red sports car. 
*ManOfTheHouse has enough self respect to know that he'd look ridiculous wearing spandex on a Harley
*that leaves us with the trophy wife...

You know, that hot young bombshell that seems to go for the salt and pepper guys... the one who is usually photographed draped across the red sports car in a skimpy bikini.

I'd say gold-digger... but let's be real...

I've decided to save us all a LOT of time, money & tears

I'm going to BE the new trophy wife.

which means about 6 more pounds in the next 78 days.  Totally do-able. (let's not mention the hair coloring, extensions, and botox I'd need to REALLY look like a trophy wife)

Perfect Solution right???  Yep, well, aside from the whole broccoli thing!