Tuesday, October 25, 2011

My willpower is officially a "Limited Edition"

I don't eat chocolate.  Dark - blech, Milk chocolate - blech...  White Chocolate... okay, I actually love that one... love love love that one...  don't judge.

some of you already knew this about me...

and the rest of you better not be deleting me from your google reader.

avoidance of chocolate does NOT make me a freak of nature.

the freak of nature thing is just a coincidence.

I just... well, I don't like it, and I'm willing to admit that should probably count against my "woman points" and it might even keep me from joining in on certain church activities... but there it is. deal. If it's easier to cope with I actually CAN'T eat it without getting nasty stomach aches and migraines - I prefer to think that I have amazing willpower.

That willpower?  There are certain words that kill my willpower.  Without fail - these words have me questioning every resolve to eat well, avoid overspending, or to be a nicer human being.  The words?

"50% off"


"Mom, you're not going to like this but..."

and the worst of them all?

"Limited Edition"

A few years ago my parents were in town on their way to Vegas (because let's be honest - Vegas is WAY more fun than my house) and I was at the store with them picking up "a few things for the trip"

Somehow "a few things" ended up including a bag of White Chocolate Limited Edition Pirate Pearls M&Ms.

When I got home I took a pair of scissors and snipped off the corner of the bag - removed just 3 little pearls and enjoyed them.  I then put a chip clip on the bag and stuffed it into the freezer door.  See?  Amazing Willpower at work.

My dad?  laughed and laughed and laughed some more...

Whatever - he probably laughed all the way to Vegas... I was going to show him - I had willpower oozing out my ears.


I was going *munch* to show *munch* him how much will *munch* power I had.  *munch* When they *munch munch* came back *munch* through *munch* town... they'd see!

*munch munch munch munch munch inhale munch munch*




Well, what actually ended up happening was that a few hours before they came back through town I ran off to the store and bought ANOTHER limited edition bag, matched up the corners so that the snip would be indistinguishable from the first. I ate just 3 little tiny pearls (by this point I was getting pretty sick of them) and clipped them up and stuck them in the freezer door.

Yes, seriously.

I think my Dad checked out the bag... he was probably amazed at my willpower.  I don't know... I think I was in bed suffering from indigestion at that time.

See, "limited edition" is a dangerous word.

Apparently white chocolate M&Ms (with the normal colorful candy shells) were available as a test market in Australia for awhile before the pirate pearls came out.

It's a good thing I didn't live in Australia back then.

So this year - my will power is being tested to the EXTREME!

Candy Corn colored White Chocolate M&Ms.

I bought ONE bag.

but I've learned my lesson - this bag doesn't have a snipped corner... this bag is shoved WAY back in the freezer... behind the frozen peas where no kids will accidentally find them.

It's been there for FOUR weeks.

That my friends... that is willpower.

My nutrition class ends at the end of November...  I'll open the bag the next day. 

Any bets on how long it will last after that?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Happy Birthday Ty Pennington

This post will have nothing to do with Ty Pennington by the way...

I just wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday because I'm hoping to become really chummy so he'll come and build those bookshelves for me.

Yes, the ones that my husband promised as a Christmas gift.

3 years ago.

Hardly a good enough story for "Extreme Home Makeover"... but it's the best sob story I've got.

Ahh, the first world problems of our middle class are just tear jerkers aren't they?

Today's post is brought to you by Klout.  Well, not really BY Klout - it's just ABOUT Klout.

Apparently they like to decide WHO is influential about WHAT?  and then give out perks for the top influencers.

In the beginning (read as - when I was blogging and tweeting and not keeping up so well with my reading and dishes doing) I was ROCKING Klout - I had an awesome score and if you are impressed by numbers which mean absolutely nothing you would have had a jaw dropping moment at mine.

Now?  not so much.  Letting REAL life take precedence has been a good change in life... but when they say "you can't have it all" - I think they are referencing my Klout score.

HOWEVER, all is not lost - I made the top three influencers in one category at least.

Not blogging.
Not authors.
Not baking.
Not even cats... although for some reason I was influential about cats for about a week...

I think I said something about hating them... ?

But - as of last week I was the third strongest influence about...

Drum Roll Please....

yep, Zucchini.

Apparently a day of tweeting every time I took another batch of Zucchini bread out of the oven and complaining about the sheer amount of Zucchini I had in my house put me on the top of the world.

Now I'm thinking it would be a BOATLOAD of fun to sit down with the first and second place influencers... I'm sure we'd have SO much in common... well, you know - as long as I did a little Zucchini research ahead of time.

Monday, October 17, 2011

It doesn't get more random than this...

Sometimes there's just so much going on in life that you just don't know where to start.

and sometimes life is just dull as dirt and there's nothing to tell...

and sometimes... well, sometimes it's hard to know the difference.

picture from free-extras.com - because I'm too lazy to upload mine.

I have beautiful new orchids on my table.  They were an anniversary gift from ManOfTheHouse.

We've been married 18 years.

Apparently they were all out of the cards that said "We've tolerated each other for this long... if it ain't broke don't fix it"

We're WAY romantic like that.

Which is probably why we ended up seeing "Dial M for Murder"...

Maybe he was hoping I'd snuggle in close during the scary parts?

Probably not.  It was HOT in that theatre.

Is it wrong to take off your shoes?  Because if it is I SO didn't do that.  Even if I really wanted to.

But those orchids?

They are mocking me with their difficult upkeep...

or maybe they are quivering in fear knowing that as a child I even killed my "air plant"

and now that I think about it... maybe the "air plant" was just a hunk of Spanish Moss that my parents were testing me with.

I failed.

Yes, you should all probably be very afraid for my children.

Especially the one who decided to add Tenor Saxophone to his instrumental repertoire on Sunday afternoon.

I am currently not in a financial position to soundproof his bedroom...

Confession: he's actually quite good for someone who has been playing for only 3 hours... but there's nothing funny about successes.

Failure is a MUCH better breeding ground for humor.  Case in Point: Rodney Dangerfield.

But then again...  seriously Rodney... have a little self respect. 
also not mine... you really think I'd have this around???  crazy.

I'm embarrassed to admit that I saw that movie.  Years ago.

Maybe instead of me being embarrassed my mother should be mortified because she took me to see it.

I think she also insisted we leave about 15 minutes into the movie.

Hey, give her a break - we all have our little "parent fail" moments...

Wait... reflecting on my own parent fail moments I have to amend an earlier statement.

Failure isn't always funny...  sometimes it just sucks rocks.  Of course, before I had teenagers some of my worst parent fail moments probably involved my kids sucking actual rocks. And dirt. And sand. And any assortment of insects that were on the carpet because I hadn't vacuumed in the past 7 minutes.

Would you believe me if I told you I was berated by a complete stranger because my then infant daughter was munching away on some sand.  At the sand dunes.

Would you think less of me if I told you that I said that fiber is good for our digestion?

and then waited for her to be out of sight before swooping down and washing out my daughter's mouth...

Because while I can find humor in my failures - I certainly don't appreciate other people finding them a source of amusement before I'm ready to laugh about it.

That air plant though - I'm ready for all the teasing you can dish out...

My curiosity just got the better of me.  Mr Google tells me that there is such a thing as "live Spanish Moss"... as well as a large number of air plants... apparently my parents were not making up the entire thing.

For the record - next time I get an air plant I want the one named "Funkiana"...
image from DeltonaSeashells.com - my favorite (only) source for air plant information.

Not the prettiest of plants to be honest... but I can't wait for the next time I'm at a boring meeting and can say "Oh, I'm sorry to cut this short, but I've really got to get home and not water my Funkiana"...

It'll probably go over a little better than the "I've got to wash my hair" excuse.


Random enough for you? c'mon... you've never discussed Orchids, Rodney Dangerfield, and Funkiana before? Obviously you do not try to carry on conversations with me early in the morning. :)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Columbus proved nothing to me...

Apparently the world is flat.

I know this because I recently fell off the edge.

I know - you wondered what happened to me, well, there you have it, "there be monsters" and all that jazz... I can't confirm or deny the existence of elephants and a hugo-mongous turtle holding it all up, my last pair of contacts got ripped and it's hard to tell the difference between elephants and my laundry pile.

Turns out it's kind of a long way down at the edge, but not entirely impossible to claw your way back up.

Good to know.

If you want a BETTER excuse than that you're welcome to invent one.  Until then, I'm sticking with my flat world theory.

And don't believe anyone who tells you that it's because I'm busy...

They're a bunch of liars...  whose brains are obviously mush from all the museum meetings, youth conferences, party planning, sewing, PTA meetings, laundry, shuttling kids from school to school and back again, field trips, nutrition classes, shopping, planning meetings, church classes, eye appointments, working out, dance classes, scouts, youth group, cooking, cleaning, oil changes, wasting time on Pinterest, hair appointments, helping people move, and trying to just read a darn book before the deadline they've had to do.

Those kind of people just can't be trusted.

Don't worry, today will be devoted to thinking of something hilarious for tomorrow... it's a good bet it will be inspired by an eye appointment, nutrition class or a museum meeting though...