Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Overheard at a Clutz-Anonymous Meeting

TheGuyInCharge: So, why don't we all get started - you know the drill, okay... let's start with the new girl.

Me:  Umm, okay - my name is Tonya and I'm a clutz

Everyone:  Hi Tonya

TGIC:  alright, welcome Tonya - but I do have to say - some of our members are concerned about the use of that word... we like to use the term "Coordination Deprived"

Me:  okay, but the brochure...

TGIC: yeah... I've been meaning to have my secretary get right on that... but the doctor says no more typing for a few more weeks.  Oh hi Alice, how's the hand by the way?

Alice: good - I can use my left hand to type if it's an emergency... but I'm afraid I may have spilled something on the keyboard earlier - you don't need the letters Z,X,A, & S do you?

TGIC:  alright then... we'll get on that brochure issue later.    Tonya, tell us, how long have you known you were a clu...  ermmm...  Coordination Deprived?

Tonya:  I'm sure my parents knew...  but I think they tried to hide it from me.  I have a strong memory of a soccer practice where I accidentally kicked the ball with both feet and landed on my rear.

Everyone:  (nods of understanding)

Tonya:  yeah, that was right after getting off of crutches...  after 5 years...

Everyone:  (fewer nods... a few shocked looks)

Tonya:  That would have been hilarious on film... maybe won me $10,000  on AFV.  I should probably film my entire life... they really get a kick out of pain on that show.

TGIC:  What was the most painful experience you've ever had?

Tonya:  That's easy... childbirth of course.  But that's not really coordination related... is it?

Everyone:  (uncomfortable looks all around)

TGIC:  so... what brought you here today?

Tonya:  I think the final straw was when I tripped UP the stairs yesterday.  (indicating her bruised toes and possibly chipped knee-cap)

TGIC:  One thing that we've found is that CD sufferers tend to group together...  do you know other people who should be here? 

Tonya:  Omigosh!  my clutzi  coordination deprivation is only rivaled by my neighbor who has nearly shut her own head in her car door.  And then there was that guy I dated who knocked himself out cold on the basement stairs...

Former Boyfriend: - oh, hey Tonya... almost didn't recognize you.  Sorry, the bandages obscure my vision.

(uncomfortable pause)

FB: and to be fair... it WAS a low hanging ceiling...

TGIC:  Okay... looks like we've accomplished a lot here today - next week our meeting will be on the first floor at the request of... well, nearly everyone... that should make it a lot easier for the crutches and wheelchairs.

(sounds of folding chairs, a few exclamations of pain...  and one long yell descending in intensity... which solidifies the reasoning for holding the meeting on the ground floor)


16 comments:

Michelle said...

I cannot count the number of times I hurt myself a day. Can you recall ever seeing me do anything that requires more coordination than eating at the family parties? I think not. There is a reason. The last time I tried I knocked a little niece to the ground. CDers unite.

Barbaloot said...

I think I need to send my cousin to your next meeting:)

One Cluttered Brain said...

LOL...oh my.
i think we all have our clumsy days T. don't feel bad. I hope you didn't hurt yourself too bad....

Kristina P. said...

I would suggest never wearing high heels.

Megz said...

So if Dancing With the Stars calls, that's a no?

Saimi said...

Have you ever considered wearing bubble wrap?

Sher said...

I can't think of a clever thing to say. I'm sorry you have a new owie. I hope it heals quickly. I still think tripping up the stairs is better than falling down them.

Annette Lyon said...

A bit too close to home. I almost always have random bruises from running into things--and I usually have no memory as to when I got which bruise.

The Gibsons said...

hmm I think I know who I am in the story. Sorry about your trip UP the stairs..lol

rocky trolley said...

oh T, i lost count of how much i laughed.
seems like your pain is my gain.

Garden of Egan said...

Well, I would like to see photographic evidence of your clutsyness.
I mean seriouly love, you are too short to fall too far.

Lisa said...

I've heard it's a sign of intelligence. Too busy thinking deep thoughts to pay attention to surroundings. Let's go with that, shall we?

rocky trolley said...

deep thoughts, deeply clutzy

LC said...

Totally funny.
My nickname growing up was "Grace,' always said with great sarcasm after a fall down the stairs or sitting on the piano bench and having it come crashing down, etc....

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha. Holy crap that is funny!

Jen T said...

You are good. Reminds me of Finding Nemo where they go to the "fish are friends not food" meeting. Love it!