and I suppose you want to know WHY I know this with such surety?
Well, turns out I was in a hurry to get off to the library this morning and I needed to take a QUICK shower... 5 minute variety - luckily my morning walk had been outdoors rather than inside so the sweat factor was greatly reduced.
I flipped on the water (to VERY hot mind you) and... well, "disrobed"... but try not to dwell on that part so much. I began to stick one leg past the curtain when I spied what looked like fruit flies inside the tub. Leg OUT.
I'm still calm though - really, fruit flies aren't that big a deal right? Only what the holy heymana are they doing in my shower? Is it the brown sugar body scrub??? I'm thinking at this point that I can quickly rinse the whole shower area out and cut down to a 3 minute shower - but this is still not a deal breaker. Gross yes, but not a deal breaker.
As I move the shower curtain aside again I grab a closer look. These are not fruit flies... these are itty bitty tiny baby spiders. I would tell you there were tons of them... but "tons" might be an exaggeration... let's just say - more than 7...
Still pretty calm, although I'm realizing that instead of a quick spray down I'm going to have to SCRUB before allowing myself to be in the shower.
Before I get too much of a chance to decide how late I will be to the library I notice that my loofah has fallen from its spot and is laying on the bottom of the tub.
(side note - I hereby vow that I will never again use a loofah in the shower again... apologies to the entire loofah industry... but it just isn't going to happen!)
Under the loofah? Yep - the biggest, most monstrous mama spider you've seen since Harry Potter 2. (who me, exaggerate?)
Am I thinking of rescuing my morning shower?
Am I considering running from the house in a royal screaming fit?
Am I still Naked? ummm, yeah - and this is where I contend that you cannot be Naked and Brave... I don't care how many weird stories you can relate about ancient wars fought sans clothing or stage productions with no costume budget necessary... I just don't think it's possible!
The rest of my morning happened in the following order:
1 - put on robe.
2 - deep breath.
3 - check to make sure spider has not moved... because we all know that if you continue looking at it a spider or bug will not move. Proven fact.
4 - text ManOfTheHouse that he really must call me as soon as his important meeting is over.
5 - freak out a little more.
6 - phone call to Neighbor of the Year (hmmm... is NOTY an okay acronym?) I TOLD her to just tell me to put on my big girl pants and kill the thing... but it didn't work...
7 - still talking on the phone as she sympathizes with (and probably laughs at) me - I finally realize that I cannot squish the monstrous creature... but I have foaming bath cleanser close at hand.
8 - the spider does not LIKE foaming bath cleanser... but it's now running frantically trying to escape from the tub. boy am I glad that I am now at least partially clothed because otherwise I might have cried.
9 - I realize that I also have Drano Gel near at hand
10 - Drano Gel does the trick! Now, I can't say that Drano Gel alone is the answer to all of your arachnid issues... perhaps it was the toxic fumes caused by combining the Drano Gel and Lysol Foaming Bath Cleanser? Whatever - big hairy creature from the depths of Albuquerque be gone - *cough* - and I'd better get out of the bathroom as well.
11 - I realize that I am now 30 minutes LATE and I also know full well that there is NO WAY I can get in the shower.
12 - I decide it is a hat day.
as for the rest of my day? a mischievous custodian places a rubber cockroach amongst the boxes I am moving around the library for the upcoming book fair. I recognize it as fake, but still can't touch it. as I am doing increasingly active tasks I realize that I am REALLY needing a shower still!
Neighbor of the Year did call to make sure I was still alive... and to tell me that her four year old daughter had offered to come kill the spider for me. The same daughter who was not so sure she could handle preschool that day. Yep - whatever, I'd be embarrassed except I know for a surety that she had the added benefit of wearing clothing.
So that's it... well, except for the fact that poor M.O.T.H. had to come home and thoroughly scrub the entire bathroom and throw away the loofahs, poufs, and whatever else might secretly be housing anything with more than 0 legs.
Maybe I will shower before bed? M.O.T.H. certainly hopes so since I have done my 3.5 mile walk, lifted MANY boxes for the book fair, cleaned out most of my office, and done a 30 minute spin class... Here's hoping I run into nobody I know while running off to buy gel for boy T's crazy hair.
OH! and aren't you glad I didn't put any pictures with this post... of spiders... or naked people...
Psalms 30:4-5 -- On Singing for Joy
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