Saturday, May 8, 2010

I'd like to thank the Academy...

Turns out I'll never be nominated for an Oscar... or an Emmy... or mother of the year...

Wanna know why???

Okay - I'll tell you, but it's a long story :)

Once upon a time we had a son... one of three... actually, technically he is three of three, being third and all... but that gives away too much information for those of you who know us in real life :) oh well, it's all true - he can't deny it.

Recently this son (and for the purposes of THIS story we are referring to him as PIMB - that's Pain in my buttocks... which isn't as cute as Pain in my posterior... butt* that acronym just didn't look good.), so this son has been... well... ten. That's right, I'm convincing myself that this is all normal ten year old behavior. All ten year olds blame a large hole in their jeans on "somebody" who came into their room and ripped their jeans - right? Apparently this same "somebody" also likes to take his homework and move it from one side of the table to the other and misplace his jacket and shoes... daily. Just this morning "somebody" did "something" which caused him to have a stiff neck upon waking.

This is not NEW behavior unfortunately... so maybe it's not ALL about being ten. Some years ago he was being 6 instead. Apparently all six year olds have a conniption fit every time macaroni and cheese is not made to their specifications. Each time Mac and Cheese was served at our house he would inspect it carefully and proclaim whether or not there were still little tiny cheese lumps in it. These were known as RED DOTS. Pretty soon it became impossible to make Mac and Cheese to his satisfaction... every - single - batch - had red dots in it... and try as I might I could not see them. I became concerned that my son needed his eyes checked... or that perhaps next we would be seeing little green men?

My solution??? (and the thing that knocked me out of the running for Mom of the Year - permanently) I made a wonderfully perfect batch of Macaroni and Cheese, inspected it (no joke) with a magnifying glass to ensure that there was no chance of red dots... and then proceeded...


to....


dip a toothpick...


into the red food coloring...


and put HUGE red dots on his plate of Mac and Cheese.


... then I called the kids up for lunch. The other kids were pretty tired of his constant complaint and were thus more than happy to play along - lunch went just as it always did. PIMB says there are red dots, we say we don't see any, and we go on with lunch...

Only it didn't last very long because we're all dying of laughter...


You know what though, he didn't complain about those silly red dots anymore. Maybe I should sneak into his room tonight and rip holes in his pants, put his homework under his notebook, hide his shoes and jacket, and tilt his head sideways on his pillow to make it stiff.


Maybe not.


This year the Academy should nominate me for my restraint... because trust me, it ain't easy!


Happy Mother's Day to all the other real moms out there who aren't getting a nomination this year either :)




and for the record - although my story makes it SOUND like all we ever ate was Mac and Cheese - I do also provide my children with healthy meals such as frozen fish fingers, tuna on crackers, and chicken nuggets.

8 comments:

lori said...

You ARE my kind of mom of the year! I love it! I hope you have a wonderful mother's day, and that your children treat you to a great day!

Megz said...

HAHA. We had our own mac'n'cheese fiasco with my 9-year-old today. Apparently being the Awesome Mom I am and treating him to the Kraft variety was a mistake! He flipped out that it smelled 'funny' and wanted the GV brand instead.
Cheers to ornery boys no matter what. Maybe I should have switched boxes and he'd be none the wiser...

Garden of Egan said...

Oh, I loved your post.

I am getting ready to present my NOT mother of the year speech to all my adoring fans.

{crickets}

Ya, mother of the year....I think I'm gonna vomit. I'm trying to figure out a way to have an appendicitis attack or something so I don't have to go to church.
Got any ideas?

Homer and Queen said...

Tell him about all the starving kids in China or the poor picked on kids at the Rader's. One week at my house...he will love you!

T said...

Queen - how's next week for you? (okay, kidding... sorta...)

ack Tauna - save appendicitis for the BIG emergency - mother's day at church is only worthy of a migraine... hope you feel better ;)

Megz... my kids only eat the cheap brand too... maybe because I only bought Kraft on birthdays? but wait... this is sounding way too much like a story M.O.T.H. tells about white bread :)

and Lori... ah Lori, thanks for the vote of confidence, frankly I'm just hoping for a lack of arguing and maybe if I'm lucky the girls won't whine about their hairdos?

LC said...

That is WAY funny. I had to share it with BD. He calls that technique "flooding" in his line of work.
Now, I'm wanting to try it hmm...

Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

HA! That is why I love you. Oh but my kids aren't going to like you so much, since I'm learning from the best! hehehe

Kristina P. said...

You are so fun! Happy Mother's day, Tonya!