Friday, May 27, 2011

Zumba is of the Devil.

I have referenced my Zumba story more than once... but realized last week I'd never actually TOLD my Zumba story... We cannot have that... not so much because you need another cautionary tale... but because I have a hard time keeping anything to myself.

and so I present - without further ado - the reason I am under Doctor's order to not shake my Booty.

say "Zumba" in my community and you will have to duck - because it seems to be the Jazzercise of the new century... (if you don't know what Jazzercise is... well, be glad... be very glad...)
gee, which would YOU rather look like?  I know, the frog tights are "rad"

Women from miles around you will flock to hear how much you LOVE your Zumba instructor and whether or not you have tried the glow in the dark version...

for those of you unenlightened folk who have been living under a rock Zumba is a mish mash of Latin Dance moves/other dance moves inspired by other things that I really don't care to research just for the purposes of this blog. The music is... loud. Okay - probably also "happenin'" or some other less dated term.

I went once - I was prepared to shake my money maker. (no, I don't know what that means... as I've never actually been paid to shake any part of myself).  I shimmied when the instructor said shimmy - I did the one move that made me look like a water sprinkler...  I box stepped and even did a move or two that made me glad that there were no men in the room.  I had MOVES like no other.

okay, maybe one other... the lady next to me had extremely similar moves... only in reverse... which is probably why we kept bumping into one another.  I am going to go ahead and blame that entirely on her since she's not here to defend herself.

I walked out of that one hour class sweating like... well, like I'd just spent an hour working out.  Trust me, if anyone tells you "Zumba is so fun you forget you're working out"... well, they're just plain mental.

It was fun... sort of...  but not THAT fun.

It was fun enough that I picked up a schedule on my way out of the class, anticipating that me and my money maker could probably do with a class or two... per week... and I went home - confident in my new found abilities.

and then...

(yes, I probably could have come up with a better transition for my story... something that lets the reader know that it's all downhill from here... so sue me)

I woke up the next morning feeling like I had just stepped off the Tilt O Whirl.  I tried to get out of bed and ended up... well, out of bed... but not on my feet.

haha, funny... yeah... except I have hardwood floors in my bedroom...  not so funny now is it? (okay, you can laugh... it's still funny... and they're actually a laminate knockoff - but they LOOK like hardwood!)

I've had a few "dizzy days" - sometimes referred to as my "blonde moments" - throughout my life... I always assumed I had a little water in my ear, or maybe an inner ear infection... and they always go away after a day or two.  No big deal.

Except that a week later I was still spinning.  EVERYTHING I did caused me to "trip out"...

It was nauseating - but worst of all it was pretty danged scary.  Especially when I was driving.

Which I only did once...  because once was enough...  for everyone involved.

Okay - it was only me that was involved... thank goodness...

I saw a few doctors...  the first told me (no joke) to go home and look up some stuff on WebMD to see how best to treat it.  Yeah, WebMD is the best place to go if you want to link every single scratch to the possibility of necrotizing fasciitis.

So I went to a few different doctors ... and the down and dirty of it is that I have a diagnosis:

Sucks To Be You Syndrome

only they called it something less exciting...  benign proximal blah blah blah vertigo... and then told me to NEVER try Zumba again.  Seriously.  So, technically - it's my doctor's fault that my jeans a little tight.

(conveniently forgetting about the cheesecake in the freezer...)

Yeah, dizzy me got to enjoy a lot of free Disneyland type rides just going about my daily business... and two months later I was finally able to pass a field sobriety test.

Things I learned:  When there is a medicine meant to counteract the dizziness... the best place for it is probably NOT on the lowest shelf.  The pharmacist agreed with me after he had to come out and get it for me.  Dishes and Food located on shelves higher than eye level...  yeah, those weren't important to the meal anyway.  While the effects are similar - tickets to Disneyland are cheaper than all those Dr. visits.  After all of these years I have not learned a hip and with it way to say "cool".

images blatantly stolen from the web... because I'm under Doctor's orders to stay away from any place that might cause me to Shake what my momma gave me.


Gina said...

Oh my gosh. Funniest Zumba story ever, of that I am quite certain!

Sorry about the Sucks To Be You Syndrome.

Kazzy said...

Wow, I have never heard of that happening to anyone before!

My moneymaker enjoys Zumba, and I may have to ask about the glow-in-dark variety!

Kristina P. said...

I've always known that Zumba is evil. I would like to try it to be able to mock it.

Cheeseboy said...

The Web MD comment blew me away! Great advice, Dr. Sir. That degree is really doing you a lot of good.

For a long time I wanted to try Zumba because I thought it was eating a smothered burrito while wearing a sweatsuit.

Barbaloot said...

I'm not gonna lie---I love feeling dizzy and crazy. If zumba did that to me, I might have gone more than once. I just didn't like it. I feel like I can do a lot more on the treadmill in an hour than I can dancing for an hour.

Hope you're all better. And hey, what a nice excuse to avoid a certain type of exercise:)

Missy said...

LOL! Sorry for your pain!
I am now going to get myself a doctor's excuse to get out of this Torture!!!

Lisa said...

I am sooo sorry about your vertigo...but YAY FOR YOU THAT YOU NEVER HAVE TO ZUMBA AGAIN! I, on the other hand, have many "well meaning" friends who either instruct it, or attend the classes, and INSIST on asking me twice a week if I will come. And then they do this quick little up and down once over to my wiggly bod, to mark their point. Anyway, I wish I could claim the Dr. said I couldn't. Lucky.

Megz said...

Your money maker must have been working it to put your balance out of whack! That's crazy. I'm pretty sure you could go back to zumba though. There are many grannies in my class that could show you some slow-mo moves that are guaranteed to do no bodily harm. Course if you ain't sweatin' what's the point?

Saimi said...

Oh how I can relate!!! I love my Zumba classes...three days a week!

And shake it...not this girl but I have the little thing you wear around your hips with the dangling shiny coins or whatever...I helps me with the illusion I'm moving in the right places!

Weird about the vertigo thing though, glad the internet could come through for you..

Heidi said...

I knew about the vertigo, just not from whence it came. Vertigo is a work out all its own--exhausting! Funny, funny, post!

Jen T said...

Even in my little tiny town they do Zumba, so it has to be everywhere if it is here :) I have not gone, had considered it, but now I have an excuse not to, so thanks T!! :)

LC said...

Funny Zumba story. In it's defense it's better than Jazzercise, at least judging by that hilarious photo!
Between Wii and Zumba class, I've got some pretty great moves to bust out at the next what??

Melanie Jacobson said...

I know this story probably shouldn't make me want to go, but it kinda does.

Sher said...

T. You're partly in charge of the next reunion and so you should plan something so that Laura can show some of her moves. I volunteer to sit very still with you so you don't feel left out when you can't do all of the fun shaking. We'll be the judges. Sound fun?

kathy said...

Holy cow, that's the best Zumba story ever. I mean, worst. I've taken a couple zumba classes and never heard of anyone getting dizzy. (Well, I did once but I was pregnant and dizzy all the time anyway.)
I would totally blame zumba, too. It's never the cheesecake's fault. :)

Garden of Egan said...

I should be shakin' my money maker but after reading your post, I'm grateful that I didn't.
Just being careful and all.

Hope you get feeling better soon.

Charlotte said...

Dude, you're ALLERGIC to exercise. You are my hero.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I came across your story because I put Zumba causing vertigo into google. I experienced pretty much the same thing. Did Zumba one night after not exercising for years besides running after little ones. The next morning woke up with the room shifting in a weird way. Have felt foggy and sort of dizzy for ten days. One doctor said vertigo, another said to get an MRI. Wtf!! How are you feeling?? Please tell me it is better...

Anonymous said...

Just like the previous commenter, I typed a Google search on "Zumba causes vertigo". I started having the same sorts of dizziness symptoms after a few weeks of Zumba classes. In my case though, instead of giving up the classes, I changed where I stand in the class relative to the instructor so that my head is looking more straight ahead. After a week in the new position, no more dizziness.