My sister had a birthday. It's not important WHICH birthday - what is important is that she is older than me and therefore I am still young and vibrant.
Will big sis be offended by this? Whatever... I have it from a very good source that she will not be reading my blog today. You see... for her birthday she decided to upgrade her internet service. Faster - more reliable... lots more of those things that mean nothing to me... I mean, past 300 baud modem I'm lost anyway. Heck, I'm not even sure I spelled baud right. Is it Bod? I hope not, because that's just messed.
The process of upgrading goes like this - first, the old disgruntled "grouchy because you realized our service sucks" internet guy comes at the VERY BEGINNING of the 8-11 window they've given you... and the new "I'm still smiling because we're glad to have your business and your money" guy comes at the END of the 9-5 service window... and then finds out that some fluff for brains has apparently welded shut the access panel and it may take 24 to 48 hours to find out who exactly we should contact to obtain permission to put all our fancy whiz-bang whoozamawhatsits into the apartment building. New York has pretty strict codes I hear... I think the whoozamawhatsits will require forms be filled out in triplicate - and that doesn't even cover the whiz bangs. Well, 24 - 48 has passed... and as much "smiling to get your business and money" as they've done... the internet is STILL not going anywhere.
This is not even my house. I am frustrated by proxy.
So we chatted On. The. Phone. Hey, I hear people did that for YEARS before Mr. Al Gore invented this world wide web thing!
We came up with LOTS of things that we'd give up before our internet... and because I'm nice - I'm going to share it with you even IF (and that's a pretty definite IF) it does make me look like I'm a little internet addicted. For the record - tomorrow while you are reading this I will actually be sitting and smiling WITHOUT my internet connection... I might need an anxiety reducer!
Without further ado: (and yes, I do realize that the list isn't very long... we may have laughed more than we brainstormed...)
*Sliced Bread - I mean... people are always saying "it's the best invention since Sliced Bread" but really... I actually kind of like just ripping off a hunk of bread. I would much rather give up sliced bread for life than my internet connection.
*Pizza - I'm a fan of pizza. I like the stuff. However - it's not all that good for me and if my choice was between no pizza Ever Again - and no internet ever again... well, my health concerns would win out every time. Bye Bye thick crust with Ham and Pineapple - Hello thinner thighs and all my facebook friends!
*Plumbing - this is where things got sticky... I mean... do we mean ALL plumbing? or just our household plumbing? Could we run to the gas station? Is this like lack of water plumbing (I can still flush it if I fill the tank with water I haul in from the river) or lack of all facilities plumbing? And is this a "forever and ever" trade - or just how many hours are we talking? I mean... I can hold it for quite a long time if needs be... anyone who has ever camped with me can attest to this fact. Port-a-potties are WAY down there on my acceptable use list. How many hours of plumbing would you be able to go without for the sake of the internet? Assume (for the sake of argument) that you cannot use the sinks AT ALL or use stored water to flush... go ahead and drink your stored water though... although that might cut back on the amount of time you can wait to flush! I'm capping it at 6... as long as I have fair notice so that I can shower and use all necessary facilities - and as long as those 6 hours are the same ones that the kids spend at school. Otherwise we're down to 2. Max.
So, better than sliced bread? yep. More vital than plumbing? the debate is not over...
And the wheel? I think we need the wheel... at least until Al can perfect that transporter beam of his.
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